The lights had dimmed hours ago. Most were asleep other than those who worked the night shift upon the Voidbreaker II. Most. Cole hadn’t really been sleeping. When he had, the Human doubted it was very useful considering the fear and stress of the night terrors that followed him into consciousness. Caf had become a fall back once more, as it had a few times in the past for him. It wasn’t a healthy habit but at least for the time being while sleep was more tiring than being awake, it’d do.
He’d had the last few days to think. Hours, whether training or not, of just thinking. Cole felt like he was drownign in it but reaching out for help was… Well. He’d either be ignored, pitied, or drag Sagitta down with him. She didn’t deserve that.
Sagitta had returned to the ship not long before, a medical droid following her around to ensure she didn’t strain her heart with it being so recently repaired. It wouldn’t be needed for too long likely but it was long enough that it clearly bothered the Mirilian. Or so he guessed. He’d been avoiding her. Cole felt guilty for doing so but at the same time.. It was necessary while he worked this out. It wouldn’t be fair if…
His hands started shaking and Cole got to his feet, leaving his room. More caf. Maybe head to do some training, he didn’t know but he felt oddly sick whenever that if crossed into his mind. Weak. As if even the thought was pulling his soul free from his body. It made him feel tired; this was why he found his way toward the cafeteria for more caf. At least if he wasn’t tired it was something.
It was a short trip, no one was there to cross paths with in the halls or elevators. The dimmed lights were easy on sleep deprived eyes and the halls quiet of any incoming threat. Not that that meant there weren’t any. Sometimes, now more than ever, he’d see a glimpse of something in a reflection and find himself looking back. Pausing middstep to listen. A hand on the pistol at his hip, a knife right beside it.
The trip to the cafeteria was calm though, missing any stops or pauses and allowed the Human to pass as freely as he ever felt he was walking the halls.
Sagitta had made friends. He hoped she was relying on them. Such relations came to her as easily as breathing. It was a shame she was here too tonight.
Cole would struggle to miss the purple hair in an empty room. Her droid was with her, beeping angrily though muffled heavily by towels that were practically encasing the damn thing. She was sat there, mug in hand and staring ahead wearing a t-shirt. He found that weird, she’d never worn one before.
He could leave. Let the gap form as it should, make her rely on her friends and hurt less if an if occured. Yet Cole couldn’t, continuing his path to coffee before claiming a seat across from hers. He didn’t speak, in case she didn’t want to. Or in case she did and just needed an ear to listen.
Sagitta was so happy to be back.
Or she originally was. She had a feeling that people had started to avoid her and Cole was one of them. Was it because of the mission? That she wasn’t careful?
The black scar on her chest and apparently, heart?
Kriff. She died. Twice. Of course, Foxen was right. She made poor choices. Her team had reassured her that it could happen to any of them and honestly, Sagitta would prefer if it was herself instead of them.
That’s when it dawned on her. Cole was right. She was reckless. Sagitta hasn’t been sleeping well, something the droid was more than happy to remind her. Sagitta had experienced sleep paralysis for the first time ever. The medic mentioned it could be a trauma based reaction to be under Force Lightning so much and for so long but was it really?
She could feel his presence. It was like a part of him had lived in her and never left. And it made her ill. She could hear his voice like a sharp crack of a radio static in the calmness of the night.
Sagitta remembered Buir leaning on Caf and sometimes he gets exhausted enough to sleep. Without those complications and that was what she was trying.
Pink irises glared at the caf. Why must it be so bitter? With a defeated sigh she brought it up to her lips. Then Cole sat in front of her.
Her shoulders dropped. Cole. She missed him. He was quiet. They haven’t spoken since she got back. She doesn’t even know what to say or do.
So she turned to her usual. A soft warm smile and, “Hi. How are you?”
“Hey.” He repsonded softly back. He could see she was tired. No need to worry her, keep it vague. “I’m well enough. Looks like you’re getting there too though… since when did you drink caf?”
Cole raised his own mug, lowering it back to the table once the emphasis was applied.
Her smile was warm. It always was but he’d learned that she’d be warm no matter what state she was in. Injured or afraid. Yet, all context included he knew it wasn’t a true show of what she actually felt.
Sagitta grimaced before chuckling, “Couple of hours ago actually. I remembered Buir had the tendency to lean heavily on the caf when he can’t sleep so he would exhausted himself to finally sleep. I guess…I’m trying that. Instead of going missions or sparring.” She took another sip and made a slight face, “By the stars, why didn’t anyone tell me it’s so bitter,” Sagitta laughed softly.
Then her hues glanced to Cole, “What about you? What brought you here to have some caf as well?”
“I’ll warn you that the more you have it the more you need to get the effect.” Cole paused before adding on, “Milk or sugar should make it better, though maybe it’s for the best if you don’t like it too much.” He sipped his drink, giving himself a moment to consider the question. Or more how to phrase the answer. Even now, it felt wrong to lie outright to her with the quiet agreement they had.
“I’m tired but the wrong tired for sleeping. So… caf.”
He let that hang for a moment before prompting another question, one that he knew the answer to already from what she’d said but it needed asking. If he could help her then maybe the fact he approached her at all more worthwhile for her. “Are you sleeping at all?”
Sagitta nodded. “I figured but I’ll be okay.” She paused for a moment before getting up, “Milk or sugar huh?” She mentioned before deciding to try. She would pour the milk a bit at a time and added sugars taking sips until she was content. It was certainly better.
Sagitta’s brows furrowed when he said he was tired but not the tired he needed for sleeping. What was wrong?
Sat back down, she ignored the droid that was violently shaking and trying to break free from the towels she had smothered and tied it with. “No,” she said honestly, “Not really. I - ah. Um.” She winced before inhaling, “Experienced my first sleeping paralysis. That’s what the medic called it.”
Sagitta shook her head and cleared her throat, “What’s eating you, Cole?” She asked while took another sip. Bitter was still there but it was better. Thank kriff.
Kriff. Usually he woke up too quickly, too violently for that to ever take effect but it had once or twice. It had been maddening to deal with. Not that Cole had any advice.
He shrugged at the question, “I’m worried about you, currently. Have they offered you any medication to help you sleep? Anything like that? Won’t help you heal if you’re not sleeping.”
Sagitta sighed and leaned forward. “Honestly? I don’t want to. Good news though, I am healed. They just don’t know what the effects of the…” She trailed off as her jaw tightened. With a clear of her throat, “Of the Dark Side did to me.” Then she reached over and attempted to grab Cole’s hand. She gave him a warm reassuring smile, “I’ll be okay. I always bounce back and I’ll try sleeping tonight and for longer.”
“Trying doesn’t always matter.” Cole pointed out gently. He didn’t withdraw his hand, though he hesistated before grasping it back. Public space. Shouldn’t be doing this anyway. What if-
He wasn’t reassured. There was a crease to his brow as he looked at her. “I know you don’t like the droid, but it might help them work out if there’s any long term side effects if it’s allowed to do it’s job.” Cole paused, tense. “You need to get better.”
Sagitta felt the tension. ‘Oh. Right.’ She let go of his hand gently and slid it back to her side. He doesn’t like public displays of affection. Or hugs for that matter. Kriff. She probably accidentally upset him.
She was getting frustrated at the thought about the droid. “I’m trying, Cole,” Sagitta slightly hissed. Kriff. What was she doing wrong? Why was she doing everything wrong?
“You said trying doesn’t always matter. And that I need to get better. What do you want from me? I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to be exhausted enough to sleep without medication. I’m trying not to lose my kriffin mind and go out on a mission. I’m trying not to go somewhere to pick a fight just so I can have some physical exertion in or take a kriffin bat to destroy the droid-“ she exhaled, her hand around the mug was getting tighter. “What do you want for me,” she repeated.
He didn’t know why she withdrew the hand but after a moment pulled it back into his lap. Probably for the best. But it was strange. She so relied on touch, he’d thought… Well he’d thought it would have helped.
“If you’re already doing everything then I suppose nothing.” He answered, avoiding hey gaze. He’d made it worse. Of course he had. At least it was this and not her actually being dead but- Cole swallowed back a sudden lump in his throat, exhaling slowly after before continuing to talk, as if reading off a mission debriefing. A flat tone, mechanical. “Just trust the doctors, rely on your family and friends. If you want to try sleeping, the caffiene won’t help you tonight and will make your heart rate faster. It’s a risk, with low reward. That’s all. I’m sorry I bothered you.”
He shifted to stand.
He wasn’t looking at her.
Why was he avoiding her? How can he be sitting right there, at arm’s reach and yet feels like he’s far away? His tone made it so much worse. She wasn’t a soldier to him. Or someone to rattle off a mission. Kriff, this was why she avoided joining the military.
Sagitta frowned, “y-yea. I’m just going to stay up for today and be tired enough to sleep tonight…” Sagitta tried to explain.
“I’m relying on you too.” What happened? It wasn’t that long ago when they admitted there was something there.
This was her fault. ‘He doesn’t like me anymore.’ Was it because of the piece of the dark side she’ll always have? She felt self-conscious and slightly pulled the t-shirt collar as if she was worried it suddenly had a v-neck. “You never bothered me. In fact, I enjoy you. You being here made -“ she stopped. She didn’t want to tell him about the hallucinations she had been having on and off.
“Cole, where all of this coming from?” She sounded hurt.
She shouldn’t.
It didn’t matter though. Kriff. He didn’t know how to deal with this. Any of this. Words caught in his throat for a few moments.
She’d forgotten questions before. He’d rely on that.
“I thought I had. That’s all. If you need me today I can be there. If your plan is to stay up or not. It’s not easy at the best of times if it is though. Maybe more of those Ghibli holovids? Or something similar. A distraction, even if it’s not exertion.”
Things could wait. He couldn’t draw away. Not now. Not like this. It’d cause her more harm. She didn’t deserve that, kriff she’d died twice. Been stabbed by a cultist and possessed. The debriefing was available in the short hand notes. Cole couldn’t do this to her. He could act normal with her today.
Sagitta still feel the hurt. And she let it slide. “A-ah. Yea.” She hesitated for a moment. It sounded almost like she should do them by herself. Yet he offered to be there for her.
Kriff that sounded so good. She wanted to be selfish. Something was wrong with Cole and she can’t figure it out.
Then a warm grin, “A ghibi holovid sounds wonderful! We never did got to watch the others together.” She got up and sighed as she removed the towels while the droid angrily beeped.
“Go rest, Mrs, Armis.” Sagitta sighed. “Yes, we’re going now.” She grumbled. She got up from the table and threw away the cup and glanced towards Cole while holding towels in her arms.
Cole downed his own before placing the cup in the trash and coming up beside her.
He held an arm out, offering “I can take a few if you want?”
It was to not react to the droid. Mrs. He’d have to ask at some point if Ruka had reached out through some means about annulling that. Kriffs sake.
At least it was still her own last name on the end of it, that was less awkward than it could have been.
Sagitta smiled softly before she shook her head. “I rather wrap your arm with mine but- I understand. I think you don’t like to be touched? So you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” She held the towels closer to her as they headed towards Cole’s room.
Oh. That.. made sense. For an assumption. It made sense as to why she pulled away from his hand.
“I don’t dislike being touched.” Cole shrugged, walking beside her as they headed into the elevators to go up. “I just prefer knowing if it’s coming. Or being in private. Both to an extent but-” he cut off, frowning a little. It was all quite awkward. He hadn’t thought too much into it before. There was a simple summary, at least, rather than trying to explain it all at once. “It’s all contextual.”
A moment popped to mind and his expression softened ever so slightly, “You asked once, if you could. I said no but I did appreciate that you asked. It was nice.”
Nice didn’t really cover the emotions connected but the words didn’t quite feel right. Even if this was going to be normal, there were limits. A weight.
Ooohhh! So he didn’t have a problem with it. It was more about her approach.
“Ah!” Sagitta happily smiled. “Okay! I’ll do my very best to ask you from now on. In public at least.” She winked at Cole as they stepped off. Things were better. Maybe he wasn’t distancing himself from her after all.
Maybe he was trying to get her to be better. Just like how she wanted to protect him.
And if she had an ounce of that power she experienced. She could do a better job in protecting people she loves.
Maybe the Dark side wouldn’t be so bad.
She felt a cold chill as she huffed. for a moment and the droid, right om kriffin cue-
“You are experiencing an increase of heart rate and low blood pressure. Are you experiencing withdrawal symptoms?”
Sagitta grimaced. This was not what she wanted Cole to hear. Kriff. She’s going have to see if she can get rid of it sooner. Four days was too long. “Y-yea.” She murmured.
Sagitta cleared her throat as she stood in front of Cole’s door. With her arms holding the towels, she couldn’t put in the code for his door.
Cole keyed in the number, opening the door.
It was only after they’d entered and the door shut that he closed the door. “It really just tells your medical information to everyone? Isn’t that a violation of some privacy law?”
He’d asked about why she was having kriffing withdrawl symptons in a minute…
Sagitta blushed for a moment. “Uh. I asked about that and they said yes unless I’m with someone who’s in my emergency contact. But it does scan to make sure only the ones that can have access to my records is around before asking…” she cleared her throat as her ears were still red. “This…Atty person really made sure you were my emergency contact and had access. I don’t know how long. Kriff.”
She cleared her throat, again.
“When I can, we can get it annulled.”
“I already had my part of the paper work handled.” Cole looked equally awkward for a moment. “At least it’s careful, though… Yeah. Apparently Atriyu has a record for doing this. Ruka Ya-ir mentioned something about needing to reset a counter under his breath.”
There was another pause before he asked, “Withdrawl symptoms? From.. the pain medication or something else?”
Sagitta was either hiding an actual addiction or the dark had left it’s… mark. He knew enough to know it was more than just a set of abilities.
Sagitta nodded. “I’ll have to go and do it. They couldn’t do it at the hospital. I haven’t even met this…Atriyu and Ruka yet. Maybe I will when I go get this take care of.”
Sagitta laughed at hearing about resetting a counter as she giggled, “that bad huh?”
Then the mood killer.
She cringed. Her arms crossed as she suddenly felt self-conscious. She glanced down to as if needed a reminder. Really, she was checking to make sure she was wearing her t-shirt. Having all the towels pressed up against her helped. Her jaw tightened as she sat the edge of Cole’s bad. “It’s ah, it’s something else.” Her hands started to rub her arms. “S-so! I was thinking maybe Kiki’s Delivery Service this time. Where’s your datapad?”
Cole frowned. She completely withdrew. Was this one to press or to let go? Sometimes she’d snap at him, others she wouldn’t. It didn’t help she was hiding her torso but it was when she started rubbing her arms that he decided it needed investigating. To know, even if it was just to know to avoid the topic.
He stood over her, taking one of her hands in his and pulling it off of her arm. Cole had long stopped noticing new scars on his knuckles, though the newest few were more prominent. In the longer process of healing the bones in his hands, the surface wounds had been left enough that another layer of scar was left to form. Not that his knuckles weren’t basically more scar tissue than healthy skin at this point anyway.
“Sagitta.”
The Human stood over her and grabbed her hand as she flinched slightly. She shook her head at him.
‘Sagitta.’
Her free arm tightened the towels against her chest as she considered it for a bit. She was worried that talking about it was going to push him away further from her and she did not like that. But she knew. He wouldn’t drop it. He was like a kriffin’ arx wolf. Once he got a bite of something, he wasn’t going to let go easily, if any.
She took steady breaths. “I’ve been - ah. Kriff.” She muttered. “The ah.. possession. It made me so strong and so powerful. It’s… insane. Because of it, I miss how it felt. I want it. To fall to the Dark Side and be stronger. More powerful.” She cleared her throat as the droid started beeping. Her hand tightened her grip on his.
“Mrs. Armis, your heart rate is going up. Are you experiencing any discomfort, pain in the chest, tightness of the chest..” the droid continued to list off the symptoms one can have when something was wrong with the heart. Sagitta knew she had to wait. She placed the towels at the foot of the bed.
Once the droid was done, “No.” She paused for a moment, obviously uncomfortable and scared to talk about this. “Anyways it… hasn’t been that bad the last few days. I uh- been handling it pretty well.” She grimaced. “Just small things.” Chills, vomiting, nausea, loss of appetite. Yea. Hasn’t been that bad. Her thumb stroked over the back of his hand and she frowned softly. Her hues glanced to his knuckles. She knew he had scars but… were they fresh?
A pause.
Yea. Those are fresh.
“Cole? What happened?”
He squeezed her hand. So that was it. For those few seconds she quiet, as the Droid droned on, he rubbed small circles into the back of her hand. It hadn’t been bad the last few days. So it had been worse. Maybe it was why she was so ill still in the hospital. Itd make sense.
“I don’t know much about the Force to help but I know enough that if you’ve managed to resist so far, it means a lot for resisting in the future. You’re stronger than it.”
Her eyes glanced over his hand. She frowned.
Kriff. Well. No lying. Not when shed just told him that. What a strange agreement he’d gotten himself locked in with her. Something about her lying to him had bothered him so much that this was now some peculiar standard.
“I got attacked. I fought them off well enough and I’m alright now. Nothing I’m not used to.
The report that the second one had died from his injuries had made him at least feel that he’d done well in the fight. Even if it had been close to death for him, he killed two and injured one in a heavily biased fight against his favour. Could have been worse.
Sagitta nodded solemnly when he brought up that it meant more resistance in the future. Something she always going to have to fight for. Possibly for the rest of her life.
‘You’re stronger than it.’
This startled her. There was no distance. No pushback. She really needed that. With an affectionate smile, she nodded and gave a squeeze of his hand. “Thank you.”
When he explained that he got attacked, her eyebrow rose. Her facial expression was one of worry and curiosity. She opened her mouth but quickly closed it. Should she really get upset? She just had a rough mission herself. But who? What? Why? Was he on a mission?
He must be really okay if there were no obvious injuries or discomfort in his movements.
“Okay.” Sagitta was fighting to not ask questions. “I’m glad you’re okay and I can see you’re fine now.” She kissed the back of his hand gently before sighing softly. “So!” She freed her hand and clasped her hand together into a clap, “About that holovid?” She grinned.
Oh she didn’t question.. it. That startled him but Cole had the reaction, letting her hand go and nodding. If he reacted she might actually ask. It was better she didn’t. This was his to handle, though it already had been. Could he even claim his current mental state was still related to the attack? Or was that clinging onto an excuse? He didn’t know but it wasn’t the time. She was smiling. Focus on that.
“Yes, let me just grab mine.”
Cole crossed to where his backpack sat beside his desk, rifling through it before drawing the brotherhood issued tablet out. He turned it on, clearing off the mission debriefings and police report hed been viewing before hand before passing it to Sagitta.
“I’ll put the towels on the desk while you find it?”
Cole did somewhat wonder where those had come from. It was a lot of towels.
Sagitta nodded before she glanced at the towels. And almost recoiled. Oh kriff. How many did she grab? With a clear of her throat, she scooted back on the bed and her back against the wall. Slowly, she rose the datapad. She lets out a bit of an embarrassed laugh before hiding her face behind the datapad. “Uh… hopefully no one at the pool needs the towels today..” She muttered and grimaced slightly.
“Nothing was stopping that thing.” She glanced off to the side as the droid was just tucked in the corner and very still. With a clear of her throat, she was still hidden behind the datapad while she gets the holovids up. “There we go! Okay, I actually want to watch two so I’ll just give you the gist without spilling too much! One is Howl’s Moving Castle. … To be honest the name says all. Kiki’s Delivery Service is another. The name also says all. So much for gist.” Sagitta chuckled while peeking from above the datapad to look at Cole. “Hmmm. If I had to really gist it, Howl’s Moving Castle has a bit of a romance, and finding yourself. Same for Kiki’s Delivery Service! Less on the romance though! Pretty good for coming of age film. I would show a kid that one. They both have very good messages to keep on going and never give up. Thought… it would be good for right now.”
“Sure.” Cole replied, not folding the towels but he laid them on the desk as evenly as he could so that they wouldn’t be a in a roughed up pile.
With her shuffling, he could sit on the bed beside her.
“The first one was interesting to watch, I’m okay to watch these. This is for you, either way.”
Even if the topic felt a little more.. raw to him currently. Whatever.
“Which one first?”
Not even a chuckle. Or a smile. She thought that her comment on the towels would’ve initiated him. She remembered him standing at the doorway back at the hotel while he laughed at her. His soft oof and a chuckle when she shouted piggyback while they sparred. Fleeting moments of his smile passed as Sagitta sub-consciously tapped the datapad nervously. Had he read the Envoy Mission reports? Was he distancing himself because of her? No. Can’t be. She told him of her withdrawals and he seemed to take it in stride. Maybe he was just serious cause he may have not liked the fact that she tried to smother the droid with towels to cease its beeping.
‘Which one first?’
She snapped out of it as she shook her head and cleared her throat. “Ah. Spaced out! My bad. Okay. Hmm. Yea, let’s watch Howl’s Moving Castle. I am very glad you enjoyed Spirited Away. I wish I can tell you I have a favorite but I really don’t! I love them all.” She smiled softly as leaned over and hit play while leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder.
Cole shifted an arm around her side, on hand resting on her hip.
They laid like that throughout both of the movies, occassional shifts occurred of course but Cole was content to sit there and enjoy the time.
Sagitta had fallen asleep during the movie. Her arm was across his torso and she was on her side up against him. Her head rested on his shoulder. The droid was content and had gone into sleep mode. Soft humming noises can be heard from it, barely noticeable compared to the hums of the ship’s noises.
Finally. A night with no sleep paralysis or a nightmare. Though she had slept in the same position for a while so she started to stir and stretched. Made sure not to accidentally hurt Cole. He’s awake? Did he sleep at all?
Sagitta slightly frowned but a mischievous grin formed. “Mmmm.” She said softly, her face nuzzled up against his neck while her hand went to his face and stroke his beard softly. She gave him a single kiss on his jawline.
“Did you sleep at all?”
Cole had settled in as Sagitta fell asleep. He was glad she hadn’t had enough caffiene to actually keep her awake. From how soundly she slept, she’d definitely needed it. The droid was calm, so was she. Nothing came through the door but thanks to a lingering paranoia and the lack of anythign else to do without risking disturbing her or breaking the cuddle it was easy to settle into acting as sentry.
He had an arm around her waist still, the other over her shoulders, though that one shifted to be looser as Sagitta stirred.
The movies had been good, he’d had.. feelings that he did his best to ignore. They’d stung. Kiki’s delivery service less so, though it was quite a sweet holovid overall and something with how she interacted with her parents in the beginning, the community around her had made him more emotional than the rest of the vid altogether. Howl’s moving castle had struck harder. There was a sense of freedom in those movies that made his heart ache.
He’d leant into the touch of her hand, “No but I hadn’t been planning to. It’s ok.”
Sagitta frowned softly but then shifted and straddled him. “I can help with that? Hmm?” She smirked while kissing down his neck-
“Mrs. Armis, your heart rate is going up.” Sagitta pressed her face against Cole’s shoulder and he would be able to hear a choked laugh from her- “….experiencing any discomfort, pain-“ Sagitta exhaled as she sat up, her face completely hot.
She cleared her throat. “I uh- I can get the towels to-“ Kriff. Was she actually embarrassed? “Have it be quiet for a bit.” She cleared her throat before responding no to the droid when it was done.
Cole snorted slightly, sitting up and before Sagitta could tell it no he cut in, “Droid, marriage activities occuring, please ignore any raised heart rates for a while.”
He’d see if that worked before allowing her to tie the damned thing up again. It didn’t aid Sagitta’s flushed face however, though it did draw a smile from him. Even as what she was attempting dropped a weight in his stomach. He supposed to be putting space, at least some. He wanted to do this but it was an urge that would just hurt them both more later.
He didn’t know how to avoid it now without hurting her or her ending up worrying about him when he shouldn’t be her problem. Sagitta already had enough on her plate without some karker who plenty of people would drink to the discovery he was truly gone from the galaxy. She was likely the only one it’d hurt and that shouldn’t be the case. The smile faded slightly even as he listened for the droids response.
Sagitta cracked up at Cole’s response while the droid beeped few times as it seemed to be calculating.
Then with a giggle she pecked him, “I didn’t think of that.” Her hand stroke his cheek softly, her thumb gently stroked over his lips and Sagitta enjoyed the smile.
The droid seemed to become quiet.
His smile faded slightly. This put a small pause, “are you okay?”
The droid didn’t respond. But she noticed something was wrong. He couldn’t look away from her eyes but suddenly everything was too close. He cleared his throat, shifting slightly under her to sit up rather than be laid back as he was against the pillows.
The truth was.. something he needed her to not know. If he lied it was too far in the other direction. Kriff why was all this so difficult?!
The silence was answer enough, he realised, not having the words to fill the space. With that making things all the more weighted, he murmured out, “I will be.”
Please don’t ask. Don’t. Everything was okay for a few minutes, just let it be ok. She needed to be calm. Happy. Deserves better than this kark. Anyone else would be better at this for her dammit.
Sagitta felt him shift as she gently lifted herself up and scooted down a little to give him more room.
‘I will be’
Her brows furrowed. Then she remembered how distant he felt late at night. He was feeling better. Should she push it or leave it be? She cared too much about him to leave it be.
“Cole. What’s eating you?” Sagitta asked, her face was full of concern and worry.
Two options. One was significantly worse than the other but neither were ideal. Well. There was a third option but he couldn’t do that to her now.
Ironically it was the one that led to this issue being pulled up that became the most ideal option. He leant forward and kissed her.
It was a rough kiss, his hand holding her cheek. There was space for her to pull back but… well. He hoped she wouldn’t.
Kriff even the karking small plans like stop being involved with someone you’re going to end up hurting. Even they don’t work out you kriffing-
Sagitta was surprised at the kiss and there was hesitation but she returned it. Her hand was back at the side of his face as she tenderly stroked it.
The kiss lingered for a moment.
Before she pulled away. “You can … talk to me, Cole.” Her voice was soft and gentle. She scooted a bit closer to him while gently scratching his slightly stubby beard.
He could. But there was a difference between what someone could do and what they should.
He spoke softly, leaning his forehead against hers and murmuring against her lips, “I know.”
His other arm wrapped round her waist. His chest hurt.
He’s here. He’s right here. She could feel his warmth. Smell his musk. The texture of his beard against her hand. And yet he felt like he was galaxies away. How was that even possible?
He’s not ready. He’ll tell her when he is. Would he? Where does she even stand?
She swallow hard and nodded before she pressed her lips against his and kissed him deeply.
Sagitta cuddled up against him again. She could spend every day like this. Maybe. Then the droid started beeping, “Mrs. Armis. It’s time for your checkup at the medic bay. Please proceed to the medic bay.”
Sagitta grumbled. With a defeated sigh, she pecked Cole’s cheek before climbing over him and getting out. “24 more hours and you are out of my life.” She glared at the droid. She could not kriffin wait.
“I’ll bring us some food okay?” She got dressed and leaned down to peck him on the lips. “Get some sleep if you can. Please.”
Cole had been leant beside her, face nuzzled into her neck. Then she was gone.
Hed sat up once she was out of bed, “I doubt ill get enough if you come straight back with food. I doubt a check up takes that long.”
It sounded reasonable, he looked calm.
But inside he was hoping she’d take it. That she’d just.. leave and let the gap form without him having to hurt her.
Sagitta paused. “You’re right.” Then she frowned as she stood up straight. This… was odd. No plans for either of them. For the rest of the day. Or tomorrow. She looked confused and already a bit hurt.
“I-” She stopped as the droid beeped. And repeated the words it said earlier. Pink hues watched him. She was failing. Her promise to Zuza, she was failing.
More importantly, by failing him, she felt like she was failing herself. He’s so far away and she can’t bring him back here. Not like she used to. What was she doing wrong?
It couldn’t be because of the mission. He was so… perfect and showing comfort around that mark like he does every time she was self-conscious about her scar. Mainly the burn, which he got her comfortable with, and now the print Scimitar had left on her.
Her jaw tighten as she headed to the door and opened it, letting the droid pass first. She paused for a moment and looked back at him, “Get some rest, okay?” She gently smiled before she stepped out and closed the door behind her.
He stayed sat on the bed, but had shifted toward the edge. The blanket was bunched up at his hip, covering the scars.
She didn’t need to worry. Hed be fine. Itd be fine. No matter what ifs.
He nodded, not having the time nor words really to make that false promise. He was glad. The door clicked shut and Cole let his eyes close. He rubbed his face, releasing a soft shuddering breath. It hurt. He didn’t want to do this. Any of it.
He was so kriffing tired.
But at least she was going to eat. Had smiled. It was a good note to leave things on while he.. worked out whatever it was that he was doing.
Zuza knocked gently on Sagitta’s door. Shed checked in earlier in the week, but thr mirilian was tired and she hadn’t wanted to bother her for too long.
This time she had a pile of snacks in her arms and Frond at her heel.
“It’s me, Zuza!”
Sagitta blankly stared at her datapad. She wasn’t really paying attention.
Despite all the visitors she had and hanging out with Savi after the hospital, she actually felt alone. Truly alone. Her hues glanced around the empty room. There were people she could message but she didn’t want to bother them. More like she didn’t want them to ask if she was okay when she was physically fine. Everything else? Not so much. This was why she hated being still. She wanted to keep moving. She didn’t want to sit here in her kriffin’ thoughts.
The past few hours had been rough. She just finished getting over a nasty withdrawal and now she was resting. The Mirialan was exhausted. Kriff. Why does the dark side have to be so powerful and so alluring…
She jumped slightly at the door knock. For a moment, she thought it might’ve been Cole. But she was wrong. A friendly smile formed on her lips. Zuza. She wouldn’t mind her at all! “Come on in!” She climbed out of her hammock. She didn’t want to be rude to a friend that was visiting.
Zuza stepped into the room, a smile on her face, “Heya! Ya hanging in there?”
She couldn’t help the pun.
Sagitta laughed as she smiled. “Yep! As much as I hate it.” Then she beamed at seeing Frond. “Hey boy!” She laughed softly as she petted Frond. This was good. She needed some distraction. After few pets, she wrapped Zuza into a hug, lifted her up for a bit and squished a bit longer before setting her down.
“Oh, just got back from the store?” Sagitta asked and gestured towards the bag of snacks.
“I keep a stash in Zig’s room.” Zuza admitted with a sheepish grin. She’d returned the hug whole heartedly, squeezing Sagitta’s shoulders and bouncing on her toes once she was placed back kn the floor.
Frond’s tail was wagging a mile-a-dozen as he circled the pair excitedly.
“Not a bad idea, but you didn’t have to!” Sagitta chuckled and watched Frond. “H-hey, watch with that iron tail of yours.” She joked softly while petting Frond whenever he got close to her. “So what are you doing here?”
“Oh j- ow Frond!” Zuza jumped slightly as he caught her with the tail. It was fluffy, so it wasn’t like a whip at least but it still hurt.
“Sit.”
Frond looked tempted to ignore her but did sit down beside the pair, panting happily as he got petted.
“I just wanted to check in again. See if you’d killed the droid yet. Hang out, whatever.”
Sagitta laughed as she sighed. Her hand was gently scratching Frond’s head. She seemed slightly exhausted but not too bad.
“I have been tempted to. Several chances actually. But the medic bay threatened it would come out of my credits and I can’t afford that.” She chuckled before shaking her head. She plopped onto the hammock vertically and patted the middle for Zuza to sit on too.
“The droid is gone tomorrow morning and I absolutely cannot wait.”
“Hey at least its not long then.” Zuza sat beside her.
Frond decided to attempt to join them.
Zuza squeaked, hoping the hammock could actually hold his weight along with both of theirs as he tried to use the bed below to scramble up and in.
Sagitta laughed as her hands went underneath Frond’s armpits and pulled him up as they now sat on the hammock with Frond on their lap. She gently petted his back. “It’s good to have company, thank you, Zuza. You didn’t have to though.” She paused for a moment and then sighed. It was eating at her. “I haven’t been a very good friend. I -Ah. Well. Do you remember I promised I would try my best to help Cole and…” She grimaced softly.
“I don’t know. One thing, we were laughing and smiling. I was really enjoying myself. And after the Envoy Mission… he’s … distant. He’s here but he’s not here.” She scoffed. Why was she pouring all this on Zuza? She cleared her throat. “I’ll keep trying. By the stars, we all know I don’t give up that easily.” She chuckled, “After all, I died twice and came back.” She felt like she could joke about it now. She chuckled while scratching Frond. “I have so much more to do, don’t I boy? Yes, I doooooo. Don’t get me wrong, kriff, it was scaaaarrry. Still is.” She scratched Frond’s ears, “but I always keep fighting.”
With a small grin, she nudged Zuza’s shoulder with hers. “What about you? How you been?”
“..just cause you made me a promise doesn’t mean you’re failing if Cole starts.. acting off.” Zuza tried to reassure, trying to smile as Sagitta did when joked about her deaths. “Hes probably worried. He’s awful at showing anything other than anger or.. nothing.”
Frond wiggled over onto his back and Zuza laughed lightly, rubbing his belly as his Lord demanded. She really did spoil him. Oh well.
“I’m just glad you’re okay. And I have been. Things are settling down a bit, though.. I dunno. Somethings on the horizon. Its been too quiet, especially with some of the research the academy has been doing. I don’t read it but Zig puts it on audio mode so I’ve over heard some of the reports. Some real kark is coming. You better be careful. Might not be under my watch anymore but.. you’re my friend.”
Sagitta nodded. “You’re right. I’ll give him a bit more time.” She smiled softly but she couldn’t shake the feeling.
Sagitta laughed as well while helping with the belly ribs for Frond.
She became quiet for a moment. “I know what you mean. I think everyone has been feeling it. It’s …really eerie.” She stopped rubbing Frond’s belly and wrapped her arms around Zuza, “and you’re my friend! You need to be careful too!”
She heard Frond whine as she released Zuza, “yes, you be careful too mister! You’re my friend too!” While rubbed his belly again.
“He’s not coming out in the field. Maybe another time, cause kriff knows there’ll be one. But nah, he’s still a puppy. He’s bloody big for a puppy but he is one.”
Zuza returned the side ways hug, “We’ll be okay. I doubt ill be on any front lines this time, I’ve got to take care of the corp. I’ll be somewhere in it but… I have quite a bit to lose right now.” She chuckled softly, rubbing Frond’s belly more.
“Ah good! I wasn’t sure how old this big boy was! Goodness. If he’s still a pup….hooo boy.” She chuckled while booping Frond’s nose.
Sagitta grimaced softly at hearing Zuza has a bit more to lose now. She didn’t want to think about that. But the fact remains that it felt like there was a darkness looming and watching their life clock slowly tick away.
Or was that the dark side talking?
Kriff.
“Wish there was a way to know how everyone I care and love was okay whenever happens.”
Her smile dropped to a sad one, “but in cases like this, it’s either in front of you or afterwards.” She cleared her throat. When did she become this melancholy?!
Then she laughed and shook her head, “I’m not worried! We Arconas are a rough and tough bunch I’ve noticed.”
She grinned before booping Frond’s toe beans. “It’s why I fit in. Speaking of, when I’m released from the watchful eyes of the medics here, we should do something fun! Swimming, jumping off of a cliff, running…”
“Yeah he’s not even a year yet.” Zuza smiled.
Frond’s tail whacked heavily against the side of the hammock.
“I don’t think I’d want to know before I was meant to. Even if I suddenly had the Force, it doesn’t mean I’d fix it. I’d rather just.. deal with it. If it happens. You’re right though, we’re Arconan. We’ll make it.”
She laughed, “Maybe not a cliff. You might be able to do some fancy jumping stuff but I’ve only got gravity kn my side. Maybe into a lake though. I’m down for jumping into something. Selen is gorgeous, plenty of places to go so long as we’re prepared for the wild life.
“Psh. Not even a yeeeeear old yet big boy eh?” She chuckled and squished his toe beans gently before give him some belly scratches again.
Sagitta nodded softly, “thankfully while I do have the Force, that power is not my forte. But ah, my Buir? It’s…hers. I watch her and it’s… kriff. It’s painful.”
With a grin and a nod, “awww come on. Haven’t you heard of parachutes? Or a jet pack?” She laughed softly. “Though jumping from a cliff into lake sounds perfect. It’s also something Frond can join us with I imagine!”
“I have jet pack boots but it doesn’t count if i can just fly away.” Zuza laughed, “We’ll find something and bring this lard butt along. He does training so well, loves running around but as soon as we’re home he’s an absolute snuggle bug and just goes to sleep. Everywhere. Zig found him on the back of the toilet once. We’re still not sure if he worked out how to open the door or if we forgot to close it.”
Frond did a soft bork, as if trying to let them know which way it was but not speaking the correct language.
“When you’re better. It’ll be good for ya to get out. I know I hate being cooped up.”
Sagitta chuckled, “no you’re right. It’s not the same.” She listened as she cooed towards Frond, “awww a snuggle bug! Nothing wrong with that! Nope, nothing at alllllll! But that’s impressive on the door thing. Smart boy, eh?” At least his sounds were soft.
“Ugggghhhhh! I dooooooo! I’m going mad here. I can work out a bit now but something likes to count down how much I have time left.” Pink hues gave the droid daggers. “Not much longer though. Maybe I’ll actually ended up missing it.” Then she laughed, “I actually had an embarrassing moment, C- eeeehhhh-“ she stopped while her face got slightly muddy red. “Know what, it’s something I don’t think you want to-“
“Mrs. Armis. Your heart rate had went up, are you experiencing any-“ Sagitta started to mocked the droid, word for word before responding with no.
“Few more hours.” She chuckled.
“Oh?” Zuza was all ears. “No no, you can tell me. C? Cole?”
She smiled. She still worried for him, espeically since the stabbing a few days ago. Sagitta’s account of him being distant wasn’t surprising but… at least if he was talking to her enough that she had an embarrasing moment around him then maybe it wasn’t so bad? It was hard to gauge.
“Also I’d have shot the bot by now. Just gonna say it.”
Sagitta nodded, “we were going to…you know. But then that thing almost ruined it but Cole was quick on the draw. Got it to shut up when he mentioned we were going to do marriage actives. I don’t think I laughed so hard in so long….” Then she trailed off. Her brows slightly tilted. She remember the distance there was between them and even a bit doing.
She had enjoy herself, without a doubt, but something. Was off. She sighed softly, worried.
A small chuckle, “I have aimed my blaster at it few times. That thought of how much credits it would be had stopped me.” Her pets for Frond was now more gentle.
“I know you said he’s not good at showing emotions but it really feels so different. We both finally admitted there was some feelings and then when I came back from Envoy mission…” she shook her head. “I don’t know. It’s almost as if he’s slipping through my fingers.” She sighed and cleared her throat. With a small grin, “apparently this… Atriyu? Person had married Cole and me without us knowing it.”
Zuza snorted at the story. She hadn’t known about the marriage and her jaw dropped.
“Atty married you two? And she didn’t tell me?” She scoffed, shaking her head. This was absolutely being brought up at their next tea date… whenever they next had one. Zuza had skipped the last few. Atty was like a mother she’d never had in some ways but she was still a very powerful Force user who specialised in knowing what you were feeling. It was sometimes too much.
But it was hard to move past what had just been said.
“When.. you say slipping through your fingers what do you mean?” Her brow creased, hand coming to a stop resting on Frond’s tummy. He was enjoying the pets Sagitta provided still, so didn’t complain.
Sagitta blinked. She didn’t not assume Zuza would know Atty. “oh my gosh! You know her?!” Sagitta yelped softly. “Yea she did! But we’re having it annulled. Eventually. I guess that’s something for me to do tomorrow.” She scratched her cheek chuckling. “So she really does go around and marry people huh?”
Sagitta paused for a moment. Her hand gently moved to rub Frond’s side. “It’s really like he’s not there. If I had to go from experience, maybe really bad funk? Buir gets them but no one is the same so I’m not sure if that’s what Cole is doing. Yea, he’s private but we were communicating good and telling each other everything and next thing I know I’m being pushed away. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want me aro-“ she grimaced. Maybe that was it. Sagitta shook her head. No, if he wanted to ended it with her, he could done it easily.
“I just have a bad feeling. A really bad one and he’s not letting me help this time.”
Zuza frowned.
“He never lets anyone help.” She said, not particularly thinking about the words yet not quite regretting them. She sighed softly, “I had a different relationship with him so… I don’t know if you should be worried. But if he didn’t want you around he’d tell you to your face Sagitta. I’ve seen him do things like that before. It’s brutal but if he doesn’t like someone he doesn’t hold back. You’d know if that was the problem.”
She put an arm around her friend and gave her a soft squish, “I’m sure it’ll be okay. Maybe it’s just that he’s still bothered about what happened with him the other day.”
Not that Zuza wasn’t already planning to check herself. Somehow. She was worried, more than ever. It would.. likely be extreme. Ruka could not find out. But if he was getting more distant from the one person he’d connected with then maybe it was necessary. If it wasn’t then… Well. She had been open to him hashing it out on her in the first place. It’d be a fight now, rather than her just accepting a beating, but it was still the same in essence. Maybe it was time.
The Mirialan nodded. “Yea. I’ve seen something like that somewhat. No. This is different.” Sagitta wish she could explain how it’s so different than what she used to. Sure, Cole has shut down around her before but this was entirely different. Kriff. She was heavily developing feelings for him.
Sagitta felt the small squish and glanced to Zuza. “What happened to him the other day?” Her voice sounded strained.
Zuza paused. If it was anyone else she wouldn’t be surprised they didn’t know. Had no one, not even Cole, told her?
“He.. got stabbed. Twice I think, kriff. Three dudes jumped him in the street. Ruka found him and he’s okay, obviously, but it was… Well. No one told me until he was better but Cora looked stressed when he told me about it.” She paused, before gently asking, “He didn’t tell you that?”
Sagitta snapped, “no he kriffin didn’t.” To protect them she gently lifted Frond onto Zuza’s lap as she got up and started pacing. Range of emotions were boiling to the surface. The droid started beeping, “Mrs. Armis-“ it stopped when she used telekinesis on it and slammed it down to the ground, “He kriffin didn’t!” Repeated Sagitta. She was so frustrated, concerned, and worried. Her pacing was rapidly going up. Her eyes darted to her door. She wanted to go talk to him and check up on him, now.
Zuza grimaced. Well. That was timing.
Frond whined slightly, shifting so Zuza could get up but remaining in the hammock once she had. Zuza didn’t get in Sagitta’s way, but she did hold her hands up placatingly, spotting how her gaze had gone to the door, “Hey, hey. If you go now you’ll just yell at him. It won’t help. Breathe.”
Sagitta exhaled sharply then laughed bitterly, “Every time I wanted to yell at him, I never could. Kriff.” She slowly exhaled and saw their reactions. She glanced over to the droid. “Ah…” she frowned and rubbed her face. “I’m- im sorry. Both of you.” She gave Frond and Zuza a small smile. She looked hurt and tired. Her arms crossed as she gently rubbed her upper arms with her hands.
Zuza crossed the space and gave her a hug.
“He should have told you.”
As much as Zuza worried for Cole, he was a damned idiot as well. What was he doing?
Sagitta’s jaw clenched as she return the hug slightly. How was she respond to that? It hurts. He’s not telling her anything again and now he apparently got severely hurt that even Zuza knew and a Cora person was worried. Who was Cora anyways?
“I should take the droid to the medic bay…. Maybe they’ll end the monitoring early..” she murmured softly.
“They might keep you in if its only a few hours left too. Though.. they probably will know you broke it already. Send me the bill, I’ll just ask Zig to fix it and there won’t be one by the time we’re done, yeah?”
Zuza tried to reassure, wishing she’d thought ahead a little rather than just blurting it out but then again… the fact he hadn’t told her.
It was time for them to talk.
Sagitta nodded as she went over and gathered up the droid and headed to the door. She cleared her throat and smiled, “thank you zuza. For visiting. I’m holding onto you for us to do something on Selen.”
“You know where I am if you need me Sagitta. Or at.. at least my comcode. I do tend to fly a lot don’t I?” She laughed lightly, though it was strained.
“I’ll keep that promise happily. It’s a deal.”
Sagitta chuckled softly.
“Good. A deal then. See you soon, Zuza.” She headed out with the broken droid and made her way towards the medic bay.
It was a few hours later when Zuza finally decided to just kriffing do it. She didn’t tell anyone. The lights had dimmed on the Voidbreaker and Zig was busy doing something with a pipe and a wrench somewhere. Not that Zuza worried Zig would be mad about it, but she didn’t want to worry Zig over nothing. She didn’t fear Cole anymore. She… never really had. It had been a mess of guilty, fear of pain, fear of facing the truth. But not of him.
And he was.. alone. Zuza had worked it out almost immediately. Someone had told. It didn’t matter whether it was her or not, the only reason Cole would be away from home permanently and alone was if everyone else had died. She held no love for his father but Cole had. His last blood relation was gone along with the group he’d grown up with.
She’d been worried ever since she worked it out. Zuza had cursed herself more than once for not approaching him but at the same time was.. it for him? Or was it to ease her own guilt? It was all so complex and bigger issues had overtaken the time she had to mull it over. Kriff, even when she had time she didn’t want to mull it over.
But now he was hurting. More than ever. Something had shifted and if Sagitta was right it was for the worse.
Zuza’s knuckles rapped sharply against his door.
Cole had been sat at his desk, mug in hand and cleaning his guns. It was basic maintanence, rather than anyhting necessary.
He sighed at hearing Zuza’s voice.
“Cole? I think it’s time we… that we sorted this.”
The words lingered. Zuza couldn’t hear anything for a few moments but the door did open. He looked tired. More so than ever.
“Now?”
She nodded.
“Any rules?”
“No permnanent damage, fight till one of us is unable to continue.”
He considered it. Zuza couldn’t read what was going on in his head.
Cole was glad she couldn’t. He stepped out the door and followed her to the elevator. He wasn’t sure he really wanted to fight her.
He was so tired but a piece of him still held onto that anger. It something other than darkness that had been suffocating him the last few days so he took it.
It was something to do other than think. His thoughts had been following a path that he was resigning himself to but he… he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure he wanted to keep following it. A break was probably needed. This served that purpose if nothing else. Maybe someone would do the job for him if they saw him and Zuza fighting.
The walk there was silent, they didn’t pass anyone that they could see and slipped into the training room. It was monitored, yes, but Zig nor Doon were likely to watch back. Even if they did, hopefully there’d be nothing worth reporting afterall.
Not that Cole minded. It didn’t matter.
But it did to Zuza.
Sagitta was finally free from that droid. Even better there wasn’t going to be a bill. It was something they said to their patients to keep the droid destroying to a minimum. After few hours of questions, blood work, another kriffin’ physical exam, Sagitta was free. As far as they could tell, the marking was just there as a discoloration and does not affect her heart.
Thank kriff. Imagine having limit on her activities if it did. She saw movement and paused when Cole and Zuza had slipped into the training room.
What…what was going on? She considered checking on them. Part of her was worried, she remembered Zuza mentioned she killed his brother and Sagitta never brought it up around Cole so she wasn’t sure to how he felt about that. The other part says to not be nosy and go back to her room.
But then she remembered. The bad feeling. Sagitta’s jaw tighten as she glanced around and made sure there was no one around before she slipped in the training room herself and called upon the Force to cloak and hide her.
“Nothing permanent, we stop when one is down?” Cole was asking, reconfirming the rules once mroe as he watched Zuza carefully. She was crossing the room to a training weapon rack, picking up a plain replica of a vibrosword. She wandered back to the matt they’d chosen to fight on, though really they weren’t restricted to it.
Zuza nodded, “Yeah.”
They stood opposing each other, a few moments passing of them regarding each other when Cole huffed a bitter, disingenious laugh. “You still don’t like starting spars?”
Zuza opened her mouth to respond but was forced back as he snapped forward, taking advantage of the mild distraction to gain on her. She was smaller and faster, though with the sword she could keep better distance than usual.
Not that the sword lasted too long. They traded blows, both familiar still with how the other fought and deftly evading the other’s moves. Some struck, drawing pained breaths from the other. Neither was holding back. It was like dancing, the smooth movements of shadow step, deflecting and redirecting attacks in opposition to the defensive clockwork like movements of Soresu that Zuza was trying to replicate, ducking and weaving. It was poor but her speed made up for not having the power or the Force to actually back the form.
They had quickly ended up off of the matt and it was then that when Zuza swung, striking Cole in the side that he changed the flow of the fight. He grabbed the weapon and yanked, pulling Zuza closer and disarming her in one movement. She didn’t hesistate though, slamming her hands into his chest and retreating. She wasn’t good in hand to hand. It showed, as despite the fact the woman easily ducked and dodged many of Cole’s blows, she did little in return, leading them back towards the weapons racks in an attempt to re-arm.
Cole noticed but Zuza saw the feint coming and used it to instead sweep his legs out. It was lucky and she didn’t get time to move away before her luck ran out and her ankle was in his grasp.
Zuza hit the floor and rolled, kicking at Cole. He was stunned slightly, caught in the centre of his chest and winded but he didn’t let it stop him. Panting heavily to regain breath, he grabbed her legs with one arm and shifted to place his knee on her neck.
She managed to wriggle her legs free, stronger than she once was but the scrabble that followed was desperate.
Zuza yelped as his knee landed on her chest, Trying to shove him off got her arms pinned. He grabbed her neck and looking into his eyes for a moment she wondered if she going to die.
Cole would wonder later if he really was about to kill her then. He’d squeezed, nails digging in and hearing the way her breath stopped. Felt the impact of her feet slamming against the floor to try and find enough purchase to get free. It was a few seconds before he blinked and withdrew. He’d won. He stood. It didn’t feel any different.
Zuza was stuck regaining her breath, one hand going to her neck which was already red but the fear had gone at least. They were both bruised and battered. It was a longer fight than either of them had expected, though Zuza wasn’t surprised by the result.
It didn’t take her long to speak again, though she remained sat on the floor she did finally sit up.
“You’ve gotten better.”
“So have you.”
There was a painfully awkward pause after.
“You’re not well though.” Zuza said eventually. She’d seen it in his face. The fight started normally enough but it hadn’t taken long before he’d gotten angry. The mask had slipped, he’d glared down at her as if she was nothing. But it wasn’t just anger. There was desperation. Pain. Not just someone who wanted revenge, but someone who was hurt. Defending themselves from anything that came within arms reach.
Cole didn’t respond for a long time. He felt empty. For a few minutes he’d wondered if this would clear his head. To finally have this.. over. But it wasn’t over. Nothing had changed. He sat down on the floor. His face was passive but it wasn’t the usual mask that Cole maintained. It was… lost. Lacking anything else that usually needed containing. The exhaustion was visible in more than his face now, the bags under his eyes were nothing in comparison to the slump in his posture, the way he stared into the far distance as if Zuza wasn’t there, not because he wasn’t paying attention but because it was easier than meeting her gaze.
“Neither are you.” Was the eventual response. “You weren’t just scared of me at the end.”
Zuza grimaced. No. She hadn’t been. The last hand at her neck, her face, like that. The last one that choked her. It was just a kiss they’d forced on her but it still shadowed over her. “No. I wasn’t.”
“Who?”
“They’re already dead.”
Cole nodded, accepting it.
Zuza didn’t let the matter of him drop though, “You weren’t just angry.”
“You know what’s wrong.”
Zuza sighed, getting to her feet and slipping her hands into her pockets. “So? Maybe I want to hear it from you.”
“You’ve had two years to ask.”
“I know I just-”
“No Zuza. You don’t know.” Cole snapped, reeling himself in afterwards and standing as well. “I know it’s my fault, I should have known talking to you that day would have kriffed me over. But two years. I tried as best as I could to make something but nothing stuck. I’ve tried.”
“Cole…”
“THEY’RE GONE!” They had still been by the weapons rack and in a sudden burst he shoved it, tipping it over and feeling his palms sting under the duress and not caring. Everything tumbled to the floor.
He shoulders heaved as he panted, trying to regain control.
Zuza hadn’t flinched, watching with her mouth slightly ajar. As if the words she had to say were stuck or.. not worth saying. This was entirely new.
It was new to Cole too. He inhaled slowly, using the exercises he’d been taught over a decade ago to force himself to be calm. It didn’t work internally, it never had, but it made him focus enough to hold it all in again. Just keep holding. He was so tired of it.
He turned slowly, looking almost normal if his hands would stop shaking. “They’re dead. Zuza. Is that you want me to say? That I watched my father die? That Corvo died dragging me to safety after this?” He gestured to the scarred part of his jaw line. Where the beard had stopped being able to fully grow in. The stubble mostly covered the obvious scarring from a distance, it just looked patchy. “All of them, in less than an hour. Now you’ve heard it from me. Happy two karking years or however long it’s been.”
Cole started to walk toward the exit.
Zuza was stood there frozen still. She’d known. She’d looked into it enough to know the basic details.
Brown eyes watched him as he walked. She’d made it worse, hadn’t she?
She called out, her voice wavering though it didn’t stop her, “I’m worried about you. So is Sagitta.”
He didn’t respond.
‘Nothing permanent, we stop when one is down’
Sagitta cringed. Just.. how bad was this going to be? It was hard. To be able to split her focus on the Force to stay hiding and the other to slightly pay attention what was going on. Sagitta’s jaw tightened as she watched them. Her heart pounded widely. It was as if she was on the verge of panic attack and aderaline rush. Her hands were clenched into fists and they only squeezed a bit harder each time they drew a pained breath.
Then it got rough.
Really rough.
Sagitta couldn’t breathe the moment his knee was at Zuza’s neck. ‘Nothing permament.’ Cole wouldn’t… would he? Then her Force Cloak wavered for a moment when Zuza yelped at his knee landed on her chest and her focus with the Force was gone when his hands were around Zuza’s neck.
And the Force pulled her somewhere else.
‘He’s killing her.’ She could feel it. He wanted her dead. She was going to intervere but he blinked and withdrew. Sagitta let out a sharp quiet exhale she didn’t know she was holding. What. The. Kriff.
Then they both complimented each other in their weird way that they had gotten better. Her jaw hurt. She didn’t realized how hard she was clenching it. There was slight moist at her hands as she glanced down. Kriff. She was holding her fists too hard. Wait. She could see her hands.
It was hard but she mangaged to get the Force Cloak back up. She was steadying her breaths. Two people who she had came to care and love were just… kriff. She was trembling. Zuza had brought up that he wasn’t well. So it wasn’t just Sagitta. There was more.
Cole wasn’t okay. And Neither was Zuza.
They started to talk. Her hand went through her hair as she listened. When he yelled, Sagitta flinched as the weapons rack clattered down to the floor, one after one landed on each other. Her eyelids closed when he mentioned his father’s death. Corvo? She doesn’t know who what was but he was someone of importance. He walked away.
Zuza called out, with the truth. That both of them were worried about him.
He didn’t respond back. Or stop. Not even a hesitation.
Sagitta buried her face into her hands as she struggled to keep up the Force cloak and her emotions. Kriff. She rubbed her face roughly before sliding her hands back to her hair.
He shouldn’t be alone. Not right now at least. Torn. She was torn. What should she do? If she goes to him now, she would have to tell him that she was here. Being a kriffin’ idiot and disrespected their privacy. But if she doesn’t… her stomach dropped. She didn’t want to think what would happened if she didn’t. She waited for Zuza.
‘Oh Zuza…’ She wanted to console her too, but Zuza had Zig. She would hope Zuza would go to Zig. She also had Frond. That sweet big boy would be able to help somewhat. What felt like enternity, Zuza finally left.
She waited a bit longer. Words replayed in her head. She could feel his intention to kill Zuza again. She felt sick. A cold shiver. Sagitta shook her head and pushed it aside. The Mirialan got up, she made her way back to where the rooms were.
For awhile, she leaned against the wall opposite of Cole’s door and stared at it. Now or never. She knocked the door, “Cole? I’m coming in.” She started to push the numbers on the key pad.
Cole was sat at his desk.
He still felt wrong. Except now he was just empty. Hollow. Everything that had burned its way to the surface had dimmed and died out.
He had the blaster pistol in his hand.
Zuza was right. He wasn’t well. He hadn’t been for a long time. He hadn’t sought help but neither had anyone reached out. Cole was supposed to be someone people looked up to. He’d been taught how to lead, in peace and war. He’d learned how to navigate a hostile galaxy that was out to get him and everyone he loved. To protect those he loved. He’d failed. Again and again. Graham wasn’t the first but he was the most significant then. Zuza followed. He hadn’t just lost his brother that day after all. For all he’d hated her even now… Even now he was failing to protect her. He’d been about to kill her. His father. Corvo. Friends. His home. Even the pictures were likely destroyed now. The only thing that was a husk of a man who’d failed at every turn. It made sense in a way. His birth had killed his mother. The beginning had been stained by death, maybe it was the Force punishing their family for their actions.
Icy eyes looked down at the blaster. It was comfortable in his hand. He didn’t register the knock, nor the pinging of the keys as a passcode was entered.
The door opening however broke through to his attention and he lowered the weapon to his lap, his other hand shifting to grasp the barrel. Cole managed to contain the shock, the rush of other emotions that had almost made him throw the blaster down in panic, keeping it calmly down. He’d been cleaning weapons earlier.
It was Sagitta.
He looked over at her, deciding to let her open the conversation. Why the kriff was she here? Had she seen what he’d been doing? Did.. he even care?
Sagitta saw the tattle-tale coloration of his black blaster and felt a lump in her throat.
She needed to be careful. He could be cleaning or-
Kriff. Why were words so hard. She approached him, careful and gentle in her movements as her hand went to his before sliding over to grasp over the blaster, “Let go.”
Everything was wrong. His hands were shaking. Again or still? He hadn’t been paying attention. Her hand was on his, then on the blaster. Was she protecting herself or did she know?
He swallowed hard, a few moments passing before he finally relinquished it. The other two, the sniper and the assault rifle, were partially disassembled on the desk in front of him. He remained sat where he has, realising he should say something but nothing made sense to say.
If she hadn’t come in he’d be gone by now.
Eventually he found it to ask, “Why are you here? I gave you the passcode for emergencies.”
Sagitta felt slightly relieved as she placed the blaster on the desk. She flinched softly at his words. Was she nothing to him?
“I’m going to need you to listen,” She started, her voice serious and gentle at the same time. “It’ll… it’s… ah. Kriff. It’s a lot. And I’m going to need you to avoid being angry until I’m finished. Then you can be mad all you want.” Sagitta moved to place herself between him and the desk. She wasn’t going to let him have anything if she can help it. “I was there. At the - ah, training room. From start to end.” She grimaced, realized how bad it sound, “Zuza told me long ago about Graham. Not everything… but enough. And I’ve been so worried about you, Cole, so I followed and I hid.” She exhaled softly, “I understand if you’ll hate me. I get it. But here’s the thing.” She squatted down slightly so they could be at eye contact while he sat at his chair. She wanted to make sure he sees her.
“I’m not leaving you alone. Not right now. I am so sorry for not seeing this earlier. I’m so sorry for not able to help you. I am so sorry I failed you.” Then she exhaled slowly, she was fighting the tears back, “Ah… I am not sorry for developing feelings for you. So, I’m here and I’m staying here until you get back on your feet because that’s what we do. We get back on and we keep pushing forward. If you want nothing to do with me afterwards, that’s fine, but let me make it clear right now, I am not leaving you alone. Not right now.”
If he allowed her, she would grasped his hand tightly.
“You asked earlier why I’m here. I’m here because I fell in love with you. Kriff, Cole. I’ve been less reckless and more aware of my life since I met you.” Her grip on his hand tighten as a tear fell but her eyes were full of determination. She wanted him to know to understand. She wasn’t going down. “I can’t let you go without fighting. If you’re too tired to fight, then let me fight for you. Just… don’t let go.”
He wanted to be angry. To stand up, tell her to leave- to get out before he made her. Yet as Sagitta spoke he just felt himself breaking. He couldn’t stand. He didn’t have it in him to be angry anymore. He’d been angry for so long.
She wasn’t going to leave. That wasn’t a promise she could keep but she meant it. Was it really enough? He could see it in her eyes. He didn’t want to keep looking but there wasn’t much else he could do as she spoke. Cole didn’t resist her taking his hand, feeling his eyes start to sting. He blinked hard, still holding on. It was habit. He’d let go a few moments before though and it was hard to catch onto the frayed ends of the strings. He’d held on too long yet-
Let me fight for you.
Because I fell in love you with you.
He just had to not let go. Not entirely. The strings could go but that didn’t have to mean everything. It felt like everything. Everything he’d known was gone.
Cole tried to speak but the hollow that had formed in his chest, blocking out all else, had collapsed. His shoulders shook and he broke eye contact, turning away as his eyes overspilled with tears. His breaths came heavy, even now trying to contain the sobs but unable to. Yet his hand still held onto hers like a life line. He felt pathetic but the dam had broken and it was too late for that. There was something worth holding onto at least.
Sagitta stayed quiet. He needed this. And she would do what she can to help him. Her heart hurts seeing him like this. She just wanted to hug it all away. To make it go away.
Kriff, if she could, she would take it all and let it be her burden to deal with and not his.
Each shudder he does, her heart trembled. It felt like she was the one hurting him. The one harming him. ‘Focus.’ She shifted and sat down at the floor. “Cole…” Her voice was soft and nuturing. Her hand gently tugged while the other went to his forearm as she tugged agian. “Come on. Come here.” She was trying to pull him towards her and out of that chair so he can get the proper emotional release.
It took Cole a while before he responded but eventually he nodded, calm enough to shift out of the chair and maneouvre onto the floor beside her, leaning on the desk.
He still trying to stem the tide, though it had lessened enough that the full body sobs had stopped at least. He was left, sniffing and trying to somewhat regain control. It worked in terms of noise but the tears flowed freely yet. For everyone he’d lost. For how much of himself he’d lost. All the pain. The isolation. He didn’t feel empty anymore but it was replaced by everything he’d been trying to desperately seal away.
“I’m sorry.” He managed to breathe out eventually. This wasn’t her burden. She shouldn’t… yet she was. He didn’t know how to handle it other than apologise for needing it, despite being relieved that she was there.
Sagitta remained quiet as she was just by his side. Sometimes that was all people needed and she hoped it was enough. Her hand stroke his hair while she patiently waited and hid the pain this was causing her. Yet, she knew he needed this. She could feel his soft hair between her fingers. This was her way of letting him know that she’s here, he’s not alone as well comforting him. She gave him a timid and calming smile, and shook her head, “Don’t be.” She leaned forward enough and kissed him on his head before resting her head on his.
Her shoulders relaxed and she felt relieved. She would hate to think if she arrived too late.
No matter.
They’ll keep fighting. Sagitta will make sure of it.
Eventually he calmed. The tears came to a stop and his breathing steadied.
She was still there. Her hand in his hair.
He didn’t feel better exactly but it was… a different kind of empty. Tired rather than lost. Nothing was wildly trying to break free, instead it was calm. As if a storm had finally broken and despite the sky still being hidden by clouds, you could tell the worst had passed.
It was in that moment, of clarity and grief that he murmured, “Thank you for being you.”
Shed said it, in a different way. He meant it in his own way. It wasn’t as strongly as he’d want to feel it to say it but… it was there. Theyd both known for a while and even if the words themselves wouldn’t come, he hoped she’d know what he meant beyond the surface.
Sagitta just stayed there. Her fingers delicately stroking his hair. She remained quiet. She was also preparing herself for when he was well enough for him to shove her away. To not be part of his life anymore. That kind of pain was going to hurt but as long he was alive and okay, it would be worth it. She can live with the pain.
‘Thank you for being you.’
A small smile. Her eyelids closed as she sighed contently. She moved her head to kiss him on his head again before resting her head on him. Her fingers went back to stroking his hair gently. She cleared her throat softly to fight back the tears.
“You got this…” Sagitta whispered softly.
They had a long road ahead of them. At least the waves are calm now.
He shifted, arms looping around her and properly hugging her. He sat there for a short while before-
“We should.. probably get up off the floor.”
His voice was soft, hoarse. Tentative as if in a place where you had to be quiet. Cole felt like he was, ready for the other boot to drop. Yet.. it hadnt yet.
Sagitta let out a slow exhale before nodded. She gently got up when Cole did as well. When he stood, her arms wrapped around him tightly, holding him close to her. She slightly trembled. The thought of…. almost losing him scared her. But it was okay. He’s okay. He’s here. Right now.
He held her close, feeling her tremble and… wishing that it wasn’t like his fault that Sagitta felt that way. But it was. Kriff if shed been a minute later…
He felt sick, he realised. When had he last eaten? Sleep had been escaping Cole for well over 24, likely closer to 48 hours. He hadn’t really paid attention to his other needs. He’d have to try and remedy that but not this moment.
He held her a little closer, “When.. you say you were there from the start. Of me and Zuza back there, what..” he inhaled before letting out a slightly stressed exhale, “You heard everything then?‘”
Sagitta flinched slightly. Fear overwhelmed her but she shoved it down. Was this going to ruin everything? There was no going back. She cleared her throat. “…I did. I’m sorry about your family…”
Cole closed his eyes. He.. well he supposed hed have told her eventually. It still.. stung. Even if she hadn’t known they’d talk about that. She couldn’t have.
It didn’t make him any less uncomfortable.
“Can we sit down?” He asked very softly. Cole wasn’t quite sure what else to do just yet. He still felt like he was drifting, that he shouldn’t be here and only by some weird twist of fate. Sagitta was.. well she that twist.
Sagitta pulled away slighty. “Y-yea of course. Sorry…” She chuckled a bit while she grasped his hand and squeezed it softly. They walked to the bed and Sagitta sat down the edge of it. She glanced towards the pillows for a moment. He had denied sleep earlier. Has he slept at all? She glanced at his face and got more clear look. He … was exhausted.
Her heart pounded against her chest and thank kriff the droid was gone. She doesn’t want him to know. “Cole, when’s the last time you slept? Or ate? … I can order somethings…” She could go get them but she didn’t want to leave him alone.
Not yet.
She needed to make sure he’s grounded.
Cole sat down towards the head of the bed, still close to her but leaning as he had kn the desk when they were on the floor. It wasn’t intentional.
“..I don’t know on the food. Its been.. 48 hours or something similar. For sleep. I’ve eaten since then but nightmares. I wasn’t sleeping anyway, I kept waking up back up. So I just.. stopped trying.”
He ran a hand across his face, his jaw. Feeling the patchines of the stubble but not lingering on it.
Sagitta frowned softly as she thought about it for a minute. What can she do to continue to ground him? She knows what works for her but… she wasn’t sure if it would work for him. Her hand held his hand while the other one gently just traces the back of his hand.
“I think… a shower would do you well right now. Just feeling the temperature of the water. I can order some food while you do that and we can try to get some sleep hmm? O-or you can - ah, skip that shower idea entirely. But I’m still ordering us some food.” She smiled softly before continuing, “I had nightmares every night since the mission that night with you. We… can find a way to help yours. But right now, one step at a time.” He’s too raw for her to go deeper.
One step at a time.
“Sure.” Cole murmured. It didn’t sound like a bad idea. He hadn’t showered since he first decided he was staying awake.
“I’ll have whatever you want. I won’t be long in the shower.” He felt the need to tell her. She was watching him but he couldn’t blame her. For once it didn’t feel threatening. It was steadying. An anchor point to hold onto while everything settled.
Sagitta nodded softly with a reassuring smile, “Okay. That sounds good. If you need me, I’ll be here.”
Hed nodded back, hesitating before heading into the refresher. The sound of water followed a minute or two later.
Cole didn’t take long at all to shower but he took a minute once he was done to just stand underneath the water. It was unnecessary and a bit of a waste but it felt nice and was a small positive feeling in a swamp of confused and tired emotions. He felt washed out inside, this didn’t fix that but it did clear his head somewhat. He felt better. It was small but it was something.
He turned the water off, wrapping a towel around himself and realising the scars were visible. They were obvious, most of the scars on his torso had had years to fade to a silvery hue whereas these were still pink.
There was an attempt to consider ways to avoid her seeing them but Cole realised he really didn’t have the energy to. Shed just stopped him from…
Yeah he doubted him getting stabbed would be as much of a shock. He stepped out in the towel, crossing the room to pull out some clean boxers and an outfit for when he woke up. He wasn’t going to dress fully to eat and sleep in his own room.
Once he got in, Sagitta quickly grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. Kriff. Kriff. That was so fuckin close. She shuddered softly. Took few deep breaths, she pulled herself together and started to order some food off the datapad. She worked on some slow breathing while he showered and she layed on the bed on her belly with the pillow underneath her chest and arms while she looked up some things on the datapad. The water stopped and Cole emerged soon after.
She watched him for a moment, recongizing the new pink ones. Kriff. How could she be so dumb and not noticed it earlier. Course her mind was elsewher-
Sagitta cleared her throat. She doesn’t need that memory to come up in her head. “Food should be here soon,” She sat up on the bed and put the pillow back to where it was. “We could watch a holovid if you want. Or I could read something to you?” Sagitta offered. Though if he just… wanted to sit in silence too that was fine but for her, silence was bad but it didn’t mean it was bad for everyone. “Or we can just cuddle,” added the Mirialan to let him know she would be fine with quiet as well.
Cole had worked out she wasn’t one to sit quietly. He didn’t mind either way if they watched something or not, likely he was going to end up falling asleep either way.
“We can put a holovid on. I don’t think I’ll be up long after the food is finished though.” Cole got dressed as much as he was going to before shifting to sit beside her on the bed.
Hed noticed that she was hugging the pillow.
His tone softened, “I.. am sorry. For scaring you if nothing else.”
Sagitta gently grinned, “Yea. I figure I can put something you had already seen or read a book I already read to you before. So that way, you wouldn’t have to pay attention and it sort of becomes background noise.” When he sat down beside her on the bed, she gave him a peck on the cheek.
When he spoke, Sagitta shook her head. He’s been through so much and he was apologizing? For her? She reached out to his hand and squeezed gently. “It didn’t happen. So let’s not… dwell on the what if, okay?” Her voice was soft. There was a bit of a knock with a droid relaying the order as she got up and opened it. Once she grabbed the bag, she went to the desk and realized it was still occupied. So, instead she went over to the nightstand and was careful. Sagitta handed him his food as she grabbed hers. “Got couple of fruits too if you’re down for that.”
There was a bit of silence. “I never did ask. Would you be interested in some outdoor activity? Like running or swimming? Maybe climbing?” She started as she took a bite of her food.
He squeezed back though the worry didn’t leave his face. The food arrived and erased the line of conversation though. Probably for the better.
Cole took the food, shuffling over so she could sit more easily on the bed from being stood already. Now he could smell it, he was starving. It made sense but kriff, it was rare he left meals long when he didn’t need to. It took a few seconds before he responded. He didn’t inhale the food, but there was a definite haste to how Cole started to eat.
He finished the mouthful he had, pausing for a moment to think before responding, “For training or for fun?”
Sagitta continued to eat and didn’t mind. She was worried but glad he was at least eating now. Thankfully she ordered a bit extra for him.
When he did paused, she was chewing. She can sort of get where he’s coming from. She had been trained but her Buir did it in a way that it doesn’t seem like such a training or chore. Once she got the food down, “For fun.”
“Not running then. Depending on where, swimming could be fun.” Cole mused. “I’m not great at it, passable, but it’s always been alright.”
It was one of the few exercises they used to do that they often ended up having fun with even when it was a training exercise. One of the few they took to doing outside of them as well when the oppurtunity arose.
Sagitta had few places in mind. But some of them were a bit more difficult to get to. So this brought the other question he hasn’t yet answered, “What about climbing?”
She figured that one of the reasons why she’s doing okay was that she had so much more happy memories than bad. It helped her processed the bad easier. And honestly, it wasn’t just for him, it was also for her. Being cooped up in this ship since she got released from the hospital had been driving her mind so she was going to do something that was outside the Voidbreaker II.
She knows that one good day isn’t going to make everything better.
But it was a step and a start. A ripple on a still pond.
For both of them.
“I.. haven’t ever really done it for fun before. Not something I’ve really tried even in training. Enough that I can but it’s not really a common skill to need.”
He shrugged.
Before long they’d finished eating, he placed his contianer on the nightstand, leaning over her to do so before leaning back against the headboard.
“The droids gone. We.. could go soon if you wanted?”
It was more na offer for her. She clearly wanted to and after a week of being loaded up with a droid, almost dying twice before hand, dealing with the dark side of the Force pulling at her… she deserved a break. Maybe it’d help him too.
He wasn’t sure it that was entirely possible but it was better than his plan.
Sagitta leaned back to give him some room as she thought about it. She nodded softly, “If you don’t mind trying climbing, I know a great place. There’s a hidden water hole on top of a cliff and it’s really beautiful.” She smiled softly. She finished as well as she got up and closed the containers.
Placed them inside the bags, she tied it up so it wouldn’t stink up the room and placed it by the door.
“Buttttt,” She added as she plopped onto the bed next to him and smiled. “If you dont’ want to try climbing, I know a decent lake not too far from Estle City.”
“We could try it.” He mused, nodding slowly as she got back onto the bed. “I just won’t say I’m going to be very fast. So long as you don’t mind waiting, I don’t see if being a problem.”
The exhaustion was finally hitting properly. He somehow doubted he’d awake for much past the opening credits of whatever holovid they put on but at least for now he forced himself to be properly awake.
“I think you slept through most of Howl’s moving castle, if you wanted to put that one?”
Sagitta’s lips curved into an excited smile. “I don’t mind! It’s exhausting, fullfilling, and honestly… it helps me focus. I should work on my focus better. I’ve…” Her lips curved downwards for a moment and sighed. “I don’t want to be so reckless anymore.” She nodded as she reached over and started the Howl’s Moving Castle and turned off the lights at the same time. Laid on her side, she wrapped her arm around his torso and rested her head on his shoulder.
“You weren’t reckless. Not this time. I read the report…” Cole spoke softly as the music began playing. “It wasn’t your fault in any way, sometimes everything just goes wrong.”
He settled down with her, letting his head lean on his hers. It was probably going to be somewhat uncomfortable if he fell asleep like that but he didn’t mind too much.
It was a problem for tomorrow now that there was still one coming.
Sagitta flinched but then relaxed. She doesn’t say anything. But… having it come from Cole really meant a lot. She bit her cheek to stay calm and relaxed and tried not to go into those thoughts.
Instead, she focused on the holovido and Cole’s breathing. When it got heavier, she smiled softly. Soon, she fell asleep.
Sagitta opened her eyelids and blinked few times. Her hand went to rub her eyes. She almost moved away but she didn’t. She wanted to be sure Cole got the sleep he neded but kriff, she really needed to move. That didn’t last long. Not even a minute in and she wanted to stretched. So, she tried to move backed a bit and do small stretches, starting with her legs.
Cole was out. Even as she shifted, he just curled away slightly. It gave her enough room to escape, despite the Human remaining asleep for once. His sleep was unbothered, restful.
And his body had really needed it by the time he’d slipped into sleep. It wasn’t so quick to wake once more.
Sagitta was slightly surprised when he didn’t wake but she smiled. He needed it. Slowly and carefully, she got out of the bed and stretched some more, her joints popping back in place. Not wanting to make anymore noises, she grabbed the datapad and put it on mute. Sat down on the floor with her legs being criss cross applesauce, she does few things. Paused for a moment, her hues glanced back to Cole’s desk and she grimaced softly. Her fingers tapping at her thigh.
‘I don’t need the power. It wouldn’t-’
‘Far Sight.’ She flinched. She knew alot about Far Sight thanks to Lillian but she does not ever want to have that. But… would it really help her? Forseen things better? Prevent things?
‘Stop.’ She closed her eyelids and do some few deep breaths.
It took a little while but Cole eventually shifted, letting out a long exhale as he stretched. Everything still felt strange.
Wait.
He sat up realising the bed was emtpy, frowning a bit before he spotted Sagitta sitting on the floor. Okay. It was okay.
She was.. oddly still though.
“Sagitta?”
Sagitta jumped slightly at hearing his name before turned to look at him with a smile. “Morning! Sorry. Was trying this thing called meditation. It’s a lot harder than I thought. Honestly, how does a mind become quiet? If people thinks I talk too much, pfft, they never had a glimpse inside of my brain.” She chuckled and grabbed the datapad. She got up from the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. “I know a lot of people said focus on the breathing and I tried. You know, listen to the inhale and slowly exhale but then I start thinking - ah. Kriff. Random things. Such as ‘Do Nautolan lay eggs?’ Made me realized I never did a good job paying attention at the academy. Then I tried to think about the breathing again and ended up remembering at seeing a pregnant Nautolan so now I’m confused.” She shook her head with a small laugh. She grinned and looked at Cole, “You’re still up for the litte adventure?”
Cole shrugged, “I’ve never tried it. Though Nautalons lay eggs. They just.. have to carry the eggs for a little while first I think. I’ve never asked.” He started to sit up, brushing his hair back away from his eyes. His gaze landed on the desk. The two blasters still disaseembled and the smallest one….
He looked away, down to Sagitta and smiled ever so slightly, “You meant to go today? We could.”
“Meditation supposed to help with a lot of things but eh. May not be for me obviously. And oooh so … they do lay eggs but they carry it around so like pushing out babies, they push out eggs but why carry it if there’s nothing attached to the egg? Like we have the cord with the baby so why do they carry eggs? Maybe protection? Warmth? Oh kriff. I gone off on a tangent here.” Sagitta chuckled. She paused when he gaze over to the desk and gently run her fingers through his hair once before putting her arm back to her side.
Then she beamed. “Yes! Okay, I’m going to go to my room and get the stuff we’ll need. Just make sure to wear something comfortable. If it helps, I’m going to wear my swimsuit underneath of course along with my tank top and shorts. So! Whatever works for you! We can also skinny dip, everytime I went there wasn’t anyone there.” Sagitta shrugged as she went to the door and paused. Was…. it really safe for him to be alone? He seems to be doing better. Then she realized something.
She was going have to learn to trust him. She can’t always smother him. “I’ll see you in 10 minutes, okay?”
Cole glanced to the outfit he’d laid out. It… probably wasn’t quite approrpiate. He had a normal t-shirt somewhere.
“I’ll see you in ten.” He responded once she finished, shifting to stand up. It.. almost felt like he wasn’t quite in charge of his own actions. A passenger rather than pressing at the front. In control. He’d felt similar a few times before in the past though usually with a lot less clarity about his surroundings.
Kriff. Why did everything have to be complicated?
Once she headed out, it didn’t take him too long to get dressed, pulling on the plain shirt and still holstering the pistol to his hip. He even managed to get the assault blaster reassembled. He wasn’t too worried about dust in concerns of it but he’d want to sit down and clean the sniper again. Precision shooting left less room for mistakes in that regard afterall.
Sagitta nodded as she went to her room.
She was done and ready at 8 minutes. Thank kriff she actually had a backpack with all the stuff she would need at the ready. She knocked on Cole’s door, “Hey, ready?” She asked. True to her word, she had a pastel purple tanktop on over her bikini top and black shorts. This time, she was actually wearing shoes. She also had a backpack with differnt things in it. She had a hip holster ofr her blaster. Sagitta prefers thigh but since she was wearing shorts and with the rope harness? That wasn’t going to work out. Her beskar dagger, as always, was sheathed on the same belt as the hip holster. Her hair was up in a ponytail. Once Cole stepped out, she grinned. “We should get breakfast. Trust me.”
“Yes I have hte coordinates right.”
The Xber pilot scoffed as he shrugged. Whatever. He was going to get credits.
It wasn’t long before they arrived. “See the clearing? Just drop us off here.”
“Whatever ya say lady.”
When the ship touched the ground, Sagitta hopped off and took a deep breath. The area was empty save for the trees and a cliff. Thankfully, the cliff didn’t seem THAT tall. There was already four ropes over the cliff. While dirty, they looked very healthy. “So it’s about mmmm 40 - 45 ft up.” She set her backpack down and handed Cole the harness. “Okay,” She grabbed hers and put hers on and took it one step at a time for Cole to catch up.
Then she tightened the straps, “It’s a bit uncomfortable and that’s normal. You don’t want it painful.” Sagitta explained while she tighten the strap around her hip. She checked the thighs one and they seemed to be good. Her pink hues glanced over Cole’s harness and his looks good too. Besides, she’ll be right by him. Cole would be able to feel her energy from there. Just pure vibrate radiate and ready to move energy. She hooked the carabiner on her and added the rappel.
“So, this can hold hundreds of pounds. Don’t be worried. And this-” She tapped the strange metalic device, “Will help you stay. So when you climb, you need to make sure to pull the rope every… foot or two. That way it gets locked in place. It’s great when you want to take breaks so all you have to do make sure it’s locked in place then you can let go. Shake your arms or hands up for a bit. Whatever you need, at your pace.” She grinned. “Sometimes I just stop and look out at the horizon. It’s… really beautiful.”
Once they got set up and Sagitta finished explaining the rest and even demonstrated at the bottom and let Cole demostrated, she nodded. “I knew you would catch on quick.” She tilted her head towards the wall. “Ready?”
Cole was admittedly a little uneasy. The harness was supposed to be uncomfortable so he guessed that that was right. He’d done his best to adjust for his.. well. For himself to be as comfortable as possible if the harness ended up being necessary. But the method seemed simple enough. He could replicate her actions and the way the mechanism worked with the rope made sense. Pull it through to keep it tight and let the rest dangle freely.
Still, it was something new and he’d come this far. “Let’s go.”
Sagitta grinned as she started. “If it helps - ah” she pulled herself up while watching where her feet and hands goes. “The others who have climbed this came here often.” She paused her words now and then, mainly focused on the placement. “So you could see the faded prints on the rocks. Should help you. Some people avoid small ledges, those are a she-akk to grasp.” She still had to make a mental note of foot hand foot hand pull foot hand foot hand pull, repetitive.
She would glance over at Cole and made sure they were going at the same pace. Now and then she would stop and dangle while ‘sitting’ on the harness to look over the horizon. Sagitta shook her arms. They were burning and it felt so good. The sounds of nature, the fresh air and the shade from the clouds when they pass by. It was so kriffin nice to finally get out.
Cole started after her. He was definitely slower but he moved steadily and at a consistent pace. It used muscles he wasn’t used to using but it was fun enough. Though he found himself concentrating very hard on the path to take. On when he took rests. Sagitta slowed herself a little for him, he could tell.
But it was okay.
The view was great, the air was fresh. It was.. nice. Serene.
They made it to the top eventually, it took longer due to Cole’s inexperience with climbing like this but they made it.
Sagitta sat at the edge as she patted to the edge next to her. When Cole sat down, she exhaled, a bit sweaty as she leaned back. Her legs dangling off the cliff. She still had the harness on, it was better to be safe than sorry. “That was the hardest part! Luckily, the lagoon close to here has been pretty cool everytime I swam in it, so it’s good for the muscles and I always feel better afterwards. Then we get to rappel down! It’s a lot easier than climbing and pretty fun.”
Her pink hues glanced out over the horizon. They could see the top of the trees and different flying creatures. Estel City against the mountain was in view but futher away. Ready for swimming, she got up and started the process of removing the rope from the harness and then the harness itself.
The Mirialan stood before Cole and helped with removing of his. “So what do you think so far or was it more, by the stars, Sagitta, I’m never rock climbing again,” Sagitta joked. She wouldn’t mind if he didn’t enjoy it but she really appericated that he tried.
Hed still sounded out of breath when he initially responded, “Okay.” To the swimming plan.
When she stood up, he soon followed, the harness quickly being dropped to the floor now they were safely away from the edge.
“Its an experience.” He looked out toward the view again, “Definitely have never been this for fun before. Its new. I don’t think I would do this often but you might have me out here again some day.” He rubbed the back of his neck. He had enjoy the climb, the view was nice but damn he was sore. It was good but if something happened he’d be running below usual capacity. Hm. At the point he realised he was debating how far across the gap his sniper would be capable of shooting to, he looked back to Sagitta, “Where’s this lake?”
Sagitta grinned, “I’m glad to hear that. There’s other places but, not now of course. Honestly, all of this helped build up my stamina and strength over time.”
When they stood, she nodded her head in front of them. There was trees but it was obvious there was a man made path between the trees. “Not too far. Promise.” She smiled and lead the way. “This reminds me of a time when Asani and I had to hunt someone down in a forest. She did pretty good. Being a kushiban, she easily hopped from one branch to another. While I was struggling. Actually, I think I did trip on few tree roots here and there….” She laughed sheepishly as she scratched her cheek, “But the culpit was really good. They stole some information so we were to retrieve it. Anyways! Asani took them down and I went home covered in mud and leaves.” Sagitta chuckled, “That was a she-akk to clean the armor”
When they arrived, there was no one. Sagitta had been here few times but very rarely was there people here. The water was so clean and clear, you could practically see the bottom of sands, rocks, old fallen trees, and even fishes. The fishes moved away at the moving figures of the Mirialan and Human. “Annnnnd I also brought us some snacks in case we get hungry.” She set the bag down and started to take off her shorts. “Just the good energy kind, fruits and some jerkies.” Then she took off her tank top next and set it aside by the bag as she started to walk into the water. She shivered for a moment, her hot body from the climb to the cool water, it felt good.
“Kriff. I’m so sore and I’ve only been out of comission for a week and half.” Sagitta scoffed bitterly then realized she was being negative.
When did that happen? She shook her head softly. Her hues glanced over to Cole.
Cole listened to the story, noting it but having nothing to say about it. It was nice to hear the stories though, glimpses of the past.
“You’ll get there before long.” Cole commented, looking over at her. It was an unusual comment for her to make. He felt the same way but for her to say it.
He stripped his trousers and shirt off, leaving them in a neat pile on a rock before following her into the water. He took it slowly, the water was soothing but it was a sharp shock and he saw no need to rush.
He did ask once closer enough to her, “Are you okay?”
His voice was laced with concern. Was she just upset due to what happened or was it more? She’d seemed off this morning too after all.
But then yesterday wasn’t a good day for her either.
“Mmm.” She smiled as she nodded. “I am, at the moment,” Sagitta replied honestly. She turned to face him, “It’s just… been a busy month.”
She had a lot happened to her in a single month and she hasn’t had time to process or sort it out. And she feels like she still can’t. There was something coming and everyone could feel it. Even Zuza had mentioned it.
She doesn’t want to ruin this by being serious and talking about it. She wanted this to be a happy memory. They can discuss it back at the ship. “We can discuss it more back at the ship. You can hold me to that. But first…” Her smile changed into a mischievous grin as her fingertips touched the water, preparing to splash him.
“I will.” Cole confirmed. Itd be good to talk but he wasn’t against this just being what it was. A fun day out.
He spotted her leaning, her hands touching the water. As soon as she splashed, he had too. Cole smiled.
It had been a long time since he’d played around like this.
He swung his arm through the water to create a bigger but slower splash.
Sagitta squealed in excitement while she laughed and splashed back.
Now soaked from head to toe, with a grin on her face, she walked back to the shallow and to the land. They both agreed it was time for snacks. She was giggling all the way to the shore as she sighed contently. She squatted down and then sat back by the bag as she went through it. “So! I got a bunch of fruits… you know me. I love fruits,” grinned Sagitta. “Also got some meat jerky. Figured that would be good for protein after that climb, and of course-” She got out a water bottle and handed Cole one. Once he took it, she got out another one and drank some. With a relieved sigh, she grabbed a few fruits and a bit of protein before handing the bag to Cole so he can make his choice.
“Out of curiosity, you seemed to be really… when we watched holovids for the first time together, I brought up horror movies. I think I saw a reaction out of you?” She seemed more curious if anything. “Do you hate horror movies or…” She asked as she took a bite out of an apple.
Hed been smiling, properly. Cole didn’t feel right still but there was a contentment to him as they sorted out various snacks. He took a healthy drink of the water, grabbing a fruit and a piece of jerky before sitting down on the edge of the lagoon.
And then he sighed at the mention of horror.
“It- I don’t hate them but they’re frustrating. Id only seen two holovids before the ones you showed me. One was horror ish and the other was… action or something. And in both everyone was stupid in how they handled situations, they didn’t use the resources around them, the things they were fighting weren’t even threatening usually. Its.. frustrating to watch the idiocy.”
The frustration was visible in his features even thinking about it.
“Even basic gun safety is entirely regarded. Fingers always on the triggers, waving them around, never checking if its loaded when its handed to them.”
Sagitta did not expect that and yet, she was slightly amused. She took another bite of an apple as she listened. She… never thought of it that way. She just enjoyed the story or the plot.
It didn’t occur to her how wrong they were and how that would bother some people.
Yet, she found herself enjoying this. He was expressing himself.
Even though frustration isn’t a positive one. It was still amusing to her for some kriffin’ reason and she couldn’t pinpoint why.
She was totally going to bring this up again later. “You know, I never thought of it that way! It makes sense. I understand now. Huh. I -ah always paid attention to the plot and story, not really if it was realistic. Makes sense why if it was too much action it gets pretty boring for me.”
“Well I don’t know about all action movies. I only watched one. It was after the horror one and I wasn’t really keen to watch more if that was it.” Cole scoffed slightly before biting into a fruit. He had one knee up the other leg splayed out ahead of him. He had swimming trunks on but nothing else considering what they were just doing.
He sighed after, about to say something but cutting himself off before he started. He looked a little unsure, withdrawing slightly.
Graham had laughed so much that day. Took the piss out of him for months for being a film critic or something. It was a funny memory but a bittersweet one more so.
Sagitta nodded, “Well, now that I think back about the action movies I’ve seen… I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like them either.” She glanced over with a grin but then it turned into slight frown when he stopped.
He had the expression of uncertainty.
Should she push?
She scooted closer to Cole and was now right beside him. Leaned sideways, she nudged his shoulder with hers, “Hmm? What is it?”
Cole glanced sideways, not quite facing her. Should he? Hell he’d only even mentioned Graham once to her. She knew he was dead from Zuza but that was it. Instinct said to shake this off.
How close he came to shooting himself yesterday said otherwise. Trying was a start.
Cole spoke slowly, metering out the words as he worked out how to say them. It was unsteady, unsure how to share this and it coming out more mechanical than anything else, though amusement did light his tone if nothing else, “My brother. He was the only one who was there both times and he thought it was hilarious. I didn’t hear the end of it for months.”
Sagitta smiled as she chuckled, “Honestly… it was amusing to watch. It’s hmm. Ah - it made me want to keep you ranting.” She winked at him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek as of her way of saying thank you and that she’s here.
“And I’m going to be real here. It’s hard to give Asani a hard time for fun cause she goes on a rant and she doesn’t stop.” She laughed softly, “Remember that drug bust we did? How Asani kept on going and I was trying not to lose my cool on her? She doesn’t know when to stop. When that bully bunny gets her claws onto something, she does not let go.” She shook her head, “Oddly, she’s better at stealthy than me. Then I have Arden, jokes goes over her head like-” She make a woosh motion above her head, “She’s bad like Uncle Dyr. All books, no fun.”
Then she smiled softly, “Then I have Erin-” She grimaced. “She’s ah- she’s the youngest one of us all.”
Anger. She could feel the anger boiling to the surface. She cleared her throat and zipped up the bag,
She plopped back onto the grass and glanced over at Cole, “We can leave when you are ready. Orrrrr we could swim some more. Ah - we can also just relax here and watch the sky.”
Cole noted the names, committing them to memory. Her tone changed. Something was off.
But she said to ask back at the ship. So he would.
“You.. probably already know but his name was Graham.” He started. “And yeah we can head back if you want? I think if we end up swimming more we’ll struggle to get back for a while and it’s been a good few hours already.”
He started shifting to stand. In the time it’d taken to eat and talk he was dry enough that he felt he could start dressing.
Sagitta nodded, “And I would love to know more. Over time of course.” She reached out and squeezed his hand softly. Then a laugh, “Yeaaaa, you’re right. Best not to push it for now,” Sagitta mumbled.
She wanted to push it. She wants to keep going till her muscles were screaming and her body couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe she could ask for a spar when they get back.
“Alright!” She got up and started to get dressed, made sure her weapons were on her right along with the harness and checked Cole’s real quick if he allow her.
They made their descent and it was much more fun than the climb and less taxing.
Once they got in, she pushed the button, “Do you think you’ll be down for a spar?” Though she slightly flinched and regathered herself fast, hoping he didn’t catch it. The memory of… Zuza and Cole spar flashed and his… intention to kill Zuza was intense. ‘Kriff, maybe it was too soon to ask for a spar…’ *She reminded herself that she had sparred with him a few times and he wasn’t like that with her. *‘Zuza and Cole had a lot… going on. Cole was also not in the right place.’ All those thoughts ran through her mind to reassure her that it was safe to spar with him.
Cole saw the flinch. Shed seen.. yesterday. He knew he could but a flash of guilt struck. If she was afraid of him he didn’t want to frighten her. Either way something was up today. They were exhausted and she wanted to spar, never mind all the.. flickers.
“I don’t think its the best idea.” He said quietly, considering her as he placed his things down in the room. After a moment he decided to see how she reacted before asking what he actually wanted to ask.
The cracks were visible when she let them be, smiling through them as she did. But… shed been through so much recently. Kriff, he was the one having a breakdown over a karking ambush and shed been through so much. Still, he let it hang. Testing the waters.
Sagitta exhaled sharply when Cole mentioned it wasn’t a good idea. She wasn’t sure if it was relief or disappointment. Maybe a bit of both. She set her things down and stretched. Her hands rubbed the sore muscles on her upper arm for a bit as she bent her arm a few times.
There was a massive bantha in the room and it was almost suffocating. Her pink hues met with his before she looked away. She didn’t want to burden him more. He’s been through so much. Two years. He had been holding the pain on his shoulders for two years. Could she really unload? Kriff. Why the karkin’ nine suns did she mention for him to bring it up when they get back?
The silence was getting to her. Her eyes darted to the door. Why did she have an urge to get out?
She chuckled softly as she leaned against the wall. “I don’t do well when it’s quiet.”
“You usually do well at filling the quiet.” He commented back, staying a small distance away. If.. she was afraid of him to spar would him approaching now help or hinder? He didn’t know. Hed always hated how hard people were to understand. So many just knew, they could look at the way someone was standing and know but he.. he could tell when something was different but discerning that? Putting it all together and knowing exactly what to say?
That had always been Zuza’s biggest strength over him.
Someone had to talk though.
“I know you’re not okay. Kriff, just yesterday would upset anyone but like I said back in the hospital. No one would be okay after what you went through. Never mind yesterday. Never mind a few months ago, the kidnapping. And I have noticed you’ve been off today specifically as well. You don’t have to pretend.”
The guilt bore deeper as he spoke. What had he been thinking yesterday? The ghosts of the dead, he could feel them glaring at him. Even beyond the grave his father’s disappointment still stung. Even now, he was hurting her.
Cole crossed the room, taking the chance and gently placing his hands on her arms though he didn’t say anything more.
Sagitta laughed, but it was softer and almost sad when he mentioned that she does well when filling the quiet. “I do, but it’s so exhausting sometimes. To keep filling it.”
Sagitta flinched at Cole’s words when he brought up that she was not okay. The kidnapping. Kriff. He does know. Of course, Cole would be the kind to keep updates on what’s going on around. Maybe something Sagitta should take a page from his book. Her jaw tightened as she was fighting so much back.
She didn’t want to unload.
It was hers to carry. She wanted to be okay for others. She wanted to be strong. She wanted people to know that things will always be okay.
She could feel her walls were breaking.
His hands rested on her arms and she lost what little control she had. Sagitta unwrapped her arms and pulled Cole close, her face buried into his shoulder and her fingertips gripped his back tightly. Her breathing was becoming ragged.
“I’m so kriffin tired. I want everything to be okay. Kriff. I always held things for people. All of Asani’s anger and disdain. Buir’s fears, concerns, and even his past. His painful past. Every time he made sure I was okay, I wasn’t but I did not show it to him. He didn’t need to know. He doesn’t need extra weight on his shoulders. He’s been through so much. And he’s helped my sisters. He doesn’t need to know.” She repeated.
“Erin was a slave. We killed all of the slavers. I had never felt such…. bloodlust. I enjoyed it. I wanted more and it scared me.”
Her throat was so tight and it was hard to talk but she kept going- “All those years. I had never been kidnapped before - ah, the first time - when that happened - I was so scared. Terrified. I just moved out and I wasn’t sure if anyone was coming. I didn’t know what they were going to do, using electricity was kriffin bad enough. The way they - ah, messed with my thigh muscle - ” Her right leg flinched slightly, remembering them opening the wound and tugging on the muscle and pulling it as well using electricity on it. Her memories started to jump around.
“Then the asshole was still alive and I never got around to really accepting that. He’s supposed to be dead. He should be kriffin dead. I saw him bleed. I saw him-”
She exhaled sharply. Her body trembling as she continued. Tears started to pour down. Her voice broke. “Then when I got kidnapped again-” Her fingertips dug into his skin but not to hurt him. It was more of her hanging on. Her body started to tremble, “Kriff. That Force Lightning-” She could hear her own screams of pain, “Then the stab-” Her teeth gritted. “The pain. I was - I remember choking. I couldn’t breathe. I had never been so scared and … then it became peaceful. Almost like letting go…”
She laughed and slightly sobbed bitterly, “It didn’t let go. I can still hear him. I can feel his presence. Even right now. Just a little. I’m so scared. I want the power. To protect all of you. I want to embrace it. I wanted the pain. He’s so loud when it’s so quiet. And I hate it.”
She cleared her throat to fight to keep talking. Kriff. “And I was so tired. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I’ve considered it and then yesterday after you and Zuza-” She pulled back and looked at Cole. Her eyes were swollen from the crying but despite it, he would see the fight behind it, “I realized I wanted to keep fighting. I want to keep going. I wanted everything to be okay. For you. For everyone, I met and loved. What the future holds. For me.”
Then her fingertips grip loosened as she wrapped her arms around him and rest her head on his shoulder once more.
“I’m so exhausted. I just desperately want to protect all of you.”
She filled the silence. He held her close once she leant in, listening. Sagitta was trained for a lot of things but all the torment she went through? Hed have struggled with it. Never mind someone who just had combat training alone.
The talk of him. The dark side. The.. scimitar person if he remembered correctly. It made him angry, that it had lingered this way. She was still going strong but if she kept trying to keep going she was going to fall. And it was going to be a hard fall.
“You can’t protect anyone if you’re exhausted. There’s a reason I haven’t done missions in so long.” He murmured, going for logic first. As he always did. It was instinct. He wanted to explain how she could fix this. All of it. But.. was that the right thing to say when she was finally reaching out. Cole firmly doubted shed mentioned this to Zuza or her buirs.
He pulled her tighter against him though, one hand resting at the nape of her neck, fingers laid in the roots of her hair.
“We can help each other.” He murmured, “I think we both need to, don’t we? Rather than trying.. alone.”
How long had he not told anyone anything, because they didn’t need to know? It was likely as many years as he’d been able to shoot. Once he was capable of protecting himself, he was expected to do so. Hed relied on Graham sometimes.. but he knew that loneliness well. She was far more social than he was. Hiding like that… she shouldn’t.
“We can get you help, too. Okay?”
Sagitta let out a slow hiss when he mentioned that she can’t protect anyone if she’s exhausted. She hated it but he was right.
The grip tightened and she could feel his hand at the back of her neck and it was so warm and soothing. The other held her close.
Several breaths went by and she was struggling to breath normally. Cole would feel her nod against his shoulder in agreement of them helping each other and that they both needed to.
“Ho-How do -ah.” She pulled away and sniffled softly. “Excuse me for a bit…” She went into the bathroom and got some toilet paper and blew her nose. After few more sniffs, she threw it away and washed her hands. She didn’t look up in the mirror.
She didn’t want to.
The Mirialan exited the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bed, her hands at her face. She.. had never felt this tired in her life. Everything felt so heavy and yet, everything felt so light. It felt like it had all lifted. Finally allowing her to breathe for a moment.
“How do we begin?” She asked, removed her face from her hands and looked at Cole. “What’s the first step?” All that running, all that hiding, all the smiles, she really didn’t know what’s the first step was.
Then she chuckled twice. “I’m certain it’s not sparring.” She grimaced. Kriff. She was already falling back to her old habits.
“Not a clue. You saw what my eventual solution was.” It.. had the tone that it was meant as a joke but even as Cole said it it felt flat to him. Way too soon.
He leant on the desk, facing her.
“I think first we see someone about the fact that kriffer is still in your head.”
Sagitta blinked few times at Cole. She noticed the tone but didn’t laugh. She cleared her throat. Too soon. Maybe one day.
The Mirialan grimaced, “I… don’t think he’s actively in my head but more the..” She rubbed her hands together roughly. She glanced down at her scar, her face turning into the expression of disgusted before looked away. “The piece of the Dark Side. From what I understood, even when my heart got regenerated -” Kriff. Her heart got kriffin’ regenerated.
“- The black mark was still there.” She groaned as she didn’t like the idea of having to see someone about this.
Kriff. She shouldn’t said anything.
They were her burden to bear.
‘Stop it’
“Okay. Who.. who do you suggest? The only one that I know of that’s pretty in tune with the Force would be Marick and…” She winced. “Not Marick.”
“Theres Ruka, the proconsul of the clan. His husband Cora. There’s also Maricks brother, Wyndell though I don’t know if he’d know how to help. I think.. there’s a Shistavanen here called Mune, they’re skilled… thats all I know without going to the Academy and going to the experts.” Cole filled in, slipping into a more normal tone of voice for him as he reeled it off.
“If its just a remnant then.. it should be fixable. Or at least manageable. Like dealing with nightmares. Certain things make them better, others worse.”
Cole could recall a time many years ago where they’d gone through various avenues trying to cure him of the night terrors. Eventually the doctors said he’d need more long term options, personable ones. Unsafe ones should the information shared ever be leaked. Theyd used what they’d been given for a while but it prevented him being effective. He was allowed to choose between being in the field or not.
No one would ever have thought of him as a leader if he’d hidden behind the lines.
He brushed the memory away, “None of them would be judgemental. Marick would.. likely be the best option really. He’s connected to what happened anyway, if its a specific cause and effect, hes most likely to know.”
Sagitta listened. Kriff. Cole knew a lot of people. Ruka.. where did she- ah right. Proconsul. Cora. Marick’s brother, Wyndell. She’s forever grateful to both Wyndell and Marick for helping Cole and there’s… Mune?
The academy.
Absolutely not. The fact that she struggled to talk to Cole made her realize she might be too weary to unload this to others. Her burdens were hers. Then it hit her. Even though Cole was possibly giving her good suggestions, she wouldn’t want to go to any of them because she didn’t know them. She doesn’t know what they are going through and doesn’t want them to feel like they have to do something.
Sagitta exhaled slowly as she stopped rubbing her hands roughly and started to rub her arms before crossing them and sat up slightly on the bed.
“Okay. I’ll contact Marick.” Kriff. Kriff. She did not like this. Kriff. On the other hand… she could lie to him about this. Say she saw him, do better at hiding things, and don’t burden Cole ever again.
Her eyelids closed for a moment. What the kriff was that thought?
“Do you want to come or…?”
“I would.” Cole confirmed. “If it doesn’t make it harder, having me there?”
He was watching her carefully. He couldn’t tell what was going on beneath the surface but there was clearly a lot. He wished he could actually help.
Instead he just felt rather lost because this wasn’t any kind of help he could do anything with bar offer names.
Sagitta right side of lip curved upwards. A half smile. Cole being there would make it harder and easier. Harder because it meant he would be sure that she doesn’t get away with it but maybe his presence would make it easier for her. She’s not sure.
“I would love for you to be there.” She got up, walked towards the door, and grabbed her bag that was resting by it. “Going to my room to change and I’ll grab my datapad to send Marick a message.”
Cole nodded, “I’ll be here.”
He didn’t really want her to go, she was clearly struggling and it didn’t help that he was part of the problem but… No. He wouldn’t stop her. He just hoped she actually meant it about asking. Once she left he let himself delate slightly, pinching the bridge of his nose for a few seconds before finally properly reassembling his guns and setting them aside, setting to the cleaning the sniper so he could clear the desk at least.
Depending on if she wasn’t back when he was done, he’d probably shower too.
Sagitta entered her room as a sigh escaped from her. She turned on some music cause she did not want to tolerate the silence. Not right now at least. Grabbed her datapad, she bit her lower lip. For a while, she was pacing back and forth, wondering how to word this without sounding needy. She scoffed and put the datapad away and decided to take a shower to clean up.
Afterwards, she hummed to the music and started to feel better. Her eyes were less swollen and puffy, she doesn’t look like she had been crying anymore. She finally sent Marick a message and he responded pretty quickly.
Citadel.
Then it’s to the Citadel they will go. Sagitta got dressed in her causal jean and an old t-shirt and her curly hair was down. Sagitta made sure to turn off the music before leaving. Made her way back to Cole, “Hey, I’m coming in.” It felt weird to knock but also to enter without announcing herself. Pushed the buttons, she stepped into his room, “Marick is at the Citadel, that’s where we’ll meet him. We could also -ah.” She smiled softly at the amusement. “I can also finish the annulment process.”
He had had enough time to shower too, just in a pair of slacks and still drying his hair off in the bedroom when Sagitta came back in. Cole had been glad to get the sweat of the day off, though the quiet time let his thought run as they wanted to. Shame. How could it ever have been an option. Lost control again, still losing control. Letting too much go isn’t safe. You’re going to hurt them. See how she flinched? She won’t ever say it but it shows-
It was illogical. He’d proven that him trying to stay on the same path wasn’t working. Yet it was the one he wanted to stick to. It was the known road to walk. Even straying just this far, crying like a child as he had, kriff, Cole hadn’t cried like that since he was a toddler. Back then the behaviour had been reprimanded. It wasn’t the correct choice to make. But it wasn’t working. What he was about to do was straying as much as anything else was but it became an only option. He’d never been able to make him pr-
Sagitta’s voice broke through and he looked up from his towel, lowering it away from his hair as the door opened to look over at her. It’d dry by the time they got there so he placed the towel aside to air dry.
“Sounds like a plan. Are we going now?”
He wasn’t sure he wanted to face the Arcanist right now but he wouldn’t fight the arrangement. She needed to see Tyris.
Sagitta’s hues watched him look over at her and then looked away as he put up the towel. There was still some tension in his room. Kriff. Was it leftover from her, him, or both? The Mirialan approached him her hand gently cupping the side of his face. Despite everything, she wanted to make sure he was okay before herself.
“Are you okay,” asked Sagitta as she moved to stand in front of him.
It caught him off guard. Confusion flashed through his expression, brows coming together in a soft frown.
“As well as can be expected?” He spoke slowly, cautiously. The last thing Cole really wanted was for her to decide he was too pathetic to help her and just bury herself away again. She didn’t think less of her Buir, but she clearly didn’t trust him either. Cole didn’t want to be like that to her.
“Fair. That’s a good point.” She rose her hand to the other side of his face before kissing him on the forehead. She removed her hands from his face and took a step back. “Okay. Ready to go?”
She paused for a moment, “Before I forget and I figure I should tell you now, I want to make one thing clear. Darth Scimitar needs to be stopped. I’m continuing the Envoy missions with others to destroy all the artifacts he has and then help bring him down.”
Cole paused.
“Sagitta, I get you want to do more but if they’ve targetted you once, you know they may try again? I won’t stop you but… if it wasn’t safe before now they know they can take you. They succeeded once. You might not survive a second time.”
His voice wasn’t accusatory, more like the tone he took when reeling off any intel. A statement of fact, rather than anything else.
Though he was worried. Cole didn’t want to lose her. It had shaken him, hearing she was in hospital before. Reading the reports. She died.
If she insisted then.. maybe he’d be going on the next one as well. Maybe.
“I -ah.” She exhaled softly. She didn’t like his tone and he was talking to her as if one soldier to another. Maybe her admitting that she had fallen for him was too much for him.
Maybe for her too. Kriff.
“I had thought of that. I might be a target again, yes. Cole. I’m not going to live in fear and run from this. I’m considering I may not. He was losing and failing and that’s why we guessed why he-” She grimaced as she remembers ‘waking’ up to the drowning of her blood. She had read the report. He twisted the dagger and let go of the control.
All because he was losing to them.
“Ah-” She cleared her throat, “the Exarch was wise to make sure there were a lot of healers and that’s what saved me. The things I’ve seen Scimitar do… I’m helping the Envoy bring him down. It could make the mission easier if we keep it somewhat to the same team since we now know just how far he would go.” She reached over and grasped his hand and gave him a reassuring smile, “You and I both know I don’t stop fighting that easy.”
That didn’t save you.
“I know.” Was what he said. He almost wanted to ask her, if she’d want him there but would that make her think he didn’t trust her? He did, he just didn’t trust everything else. So much could go wrong.
Considering she may not. It stung a little, that she spoke of falling in love with him but was happily throwing herself into the fire. It didn’t help the question of whether he should ask.
“I wasn’t trying to stop you just… making sure you knew.”
Sagitta smiled and nodded, “I’m aware.” She had a serious expression and she knew what she was getting into.
“Okay, we can continue this conversation later. Come on.” She paused as she had an idea, “Since we’re seeing Marick, I know that he kept his team small but maybe we can ask him to squeeze you in? If you want to help us take him down I mean. I’m not sure… how comfortable you would be up against other Force Users. All of us were Force Users except for Titius but I’m guessing that they put him on the mission due to explosions expertise and he did a good job. Killed all the cultists and-” She grimaced.
The fact that he used a kriffin’ hand to plug her heart creeped her out. She shuddered. Doesn’t matter. It saved her.
As creepy as that was.
Oh. That.. made it easier. He grabbed a shirt and started pulling it on, buttoning it up as she spoke.
“I understand how to fight Force Users. We had a few who joined us. I.. if you wouldn’t feel it was too much, I wouldn’t mind being able to be there.”
Cole wasn’t sure if she was asking cause she wanted him there or not, but he’d take the oppurtunity. Maybe if he was there he could protect her. Though if she ran ahead, there was little he’d be able to do at that distance.
“That’s good. I wasn’t sure since when we spar, it’s mostly martial arts. I don’t like using the Force that much.” She muttered under her breath but Cole would be able to understand her.
Sagitta’s brows furrowed in confusion, “What do you mean if I feel it was too much?”
“It’s been a while but I.. did do a spar against Ruka not long after I joined where he was using the Force. Grenades, slugthrowers, they both work around it though misdirection with a blaster can help too.” He reeled off, sorting his collar out as she asked.
Cole frowned ever so slightly, “I didn’t want you to think I don’t trust you. Or that I’m hovering or something.” It was ironic really considering she had barely let him out of her sight for more than a few minutes since.. yesterday. But Cole could hardly blame her that. It was a normal reaction, just not one he wanted to have over her.
Sagitta grimaced as she remember getting hit by the slugthrower at the drug bust. Kriff. Those motherkarkers hurt. “Well, that would definitely work.”
Sagitta paused for a moment. “Oh….Ah. No, I -ah. I don’t feel hovered or…” She exhaled sharply as her hands started to rub each other before she started to rub her upper arms for a moment. “If you meant for you pushing for me to see Marick it’s… it’s needed. And I didn’t think of you joining the mission as a hovering way. So… don’t think that okay?” Then she frowned for a moment. “Have- ah. Have I been hovering you?”
Cole had nodded, glad she didn’t feel that way. There was relief in his gaze. Then he shrugged, “Maybe. I don’t mind it if it is. It’s not like you don’t have good reason. I’d.. be the same way.”
The awkwardness settled in quickly and he cleared his throat, attempting to move on with, “If we’re meeting today in the citadel we’re going to need to head out soon.”
Sagitta could feel the awkwardness coming in as she cleared her throat at the same time he cleared his. “Ah yea. Okay.” Then she smiled, tilted her head at the door, “Let’s go.”