Her arms were over her face. Legs dangled over the bed. She was taking in deep breaths. Slow inhale and exhales was the only sound in her room, save for daily humming of the Voidbreaker II’s engines. Constantly, she had been having flashbacks. She can hear the screams. Smell the blood and decay. Sleep had been little for her but she had been trying, she really has. If she would want others to sleep, she needed to sleep too.
No more being a hypocrite.
It was difficult. The moment she closed her eyes, she can hear the blaster sounds. The sound of war. How do people handle this? She thought she could, after all, she handled missions like a pro. Killing people wasn’t a problem for her and it wasn’t even her first kill and it won’t be her last. She removed her arms from her face and slid them to above her head. She gazed into the dull lights around her ceiling.
She chuckled at herself. War was different. Everyone was right. Her hands brought to her face as she started to aggressively rub for a moment before she sat up and stretched. She leaned over and placed her elbows on her thighs and one arm relaxed while the other rubbed the back of her neck.
There was a soft knock at her door. It was late for visitors but the voice that followed wasn’t a stranger to being up at such odd hours.
And Cole knew that if he was struggling to sleep, he likely wasn’t alone. Sofila hadn’t talked about it yet. Maybe it was time.
“It’s Cole.”
Her eyes flickered to the door when there was a knock before it went over to her clock.
Cole. Of course. If she was up, it was likely he was to. Straightened her posture for a moment, she brought her hands together and between her knees.
“You can come in. She’s not here today.”
She had been worried about L'ara but everyone assured her that she was okay. It would be nice to hear from the fucking Twi'lek but it was another conversation for another time.
The door clicked open, Cole opening it enough to step in before carefully pushing it shut afterward. The Human had a few new scars in lieu of the war but they melded with the rest of them that littered his skin. He’d been healed already. They just stuck out, pink and ugly among the faded blotches and lines of silver. The Human’s expression was as it often was, metered. Not as strictly as it was in public, or when they were fighting, but a calm that was maintained not natural. It was still his normal however.
His gaze landed on her, the way she was sat. It was straighter, proper. She never sat like that normally.
It was a short few steps to cross the room and sit beside her. Not close enough to be pressed against her but enough that if she wanted to, Sofila could easily shuffle the distance or just lean on him.
“She’s not in a lot, these days.” He commented. There was no ice to Sofila’s voice but if he’d noticed he couldn’t help wonder if it was more pressing of an issue for her. It was an easier topic.
Her pink eyes followed Cole as he sat by her. She leaned in a bit and rested her head on his shoulder.
“Mmmm. No. I have no idea where she is but everyone said she’s okay. So, I’ll have to believe them for now. I may investigate more later.” Sofila figured Cole had an agenda. Usually, she’s the one that goes into his room constantly, not the other way around. She had learned, over time, just to give him time and things will get to the point. Quickly.
The war sounds and visiual were still in her head but not as much. Slightly quiet, in the background. Blended in with the Voidbreaker II’s noises.
“If no one knows, it might be worth it. The whole Erinos clan losing one of their kin is unusual, not without any information.” Cole commented, tilting his head to rest on hers. She’d showered recently, the fruity scent of the shampoo was powerful but not distasteful. He breathed it in, glancing toward the door.
He let the silence sit comfortably but he soon did get to the point. The last Farrow was predictable in his own ways. “What you’re dealing with is normal for what happened.”
It was short, curt. Not without feeling but lacking any softness. It wasn’t his intention to be cold but it was an attempt. To let her know she wasn’t alone. It had taken him years to realise that most people struggled with the larger conflicts like this. Fights at such a scale.. it was a different beast to face. It had helped knowing that the fact his survival was as much luck as it had been his own skill wasn’t a unique point.
“Yea. I was thinking about visiting the compound recently but… not yet. I wanted everyone to have more time to recover.”
There was silence. When Cole spoke, she took in a deep inhale before long exhale. So he was worried about her and checking in her. Not that she can blame him, she had done the same to Cole.
“Ah, yea. I figured. First war for me.” She removed her head from his shoulder to properly look at him. “I never did ask, how much war have you been in for Arcona?”
He nodded. She’d already known, good. It made sense, considering things she’d mentioned of both her Buirs. It was still a relief to hear though.
“This is the second one on this scale. Smaller scale but still… that deadly. I wasn’t present for most of it, I was sent to assasinate a.. target.” He paused, mulling it over. The first had been the battle to regain control over the frozen north continent. It had taken weeks to shake off the feeling of cold but then he’d barely avoided frost bite and pnemonia so it was lucky. “There was more attacks on the north when we made breach on the island earlier this year so I was part of that. Nothing else of any real significance. Not what I’d call war, at least. Not that the northern issues earlier this year were either.”
Cole shrugged with the shoulder she wasn’t resting on. “I’m used to it from before anyway. It took time but I’ve had that time. When there’s visible odds its easy to know in your head what you’re going into. What you’re facing. This.. wasn’t that. A misfire from an ally could take you as easily as a strike from an enemy. You don’t have to be okay with that.”
Sofila looked at him with an interested grin. Of course, he was sent to assassinate. It was his strengths. Something she wouldn’t be good at unless she doesn’t have to sneak around.
It faded as he continued and brought up the differences. “I knew it was going to be hard and difficult. I just didn’t fathom that many bodies. Or the sounds. The smells. Everything.”
Or that I lost control twice.
She gotten a bit brutal few times and it didn’t escape her. Luckily, it was a frickin battlefield and with all that chaos, no one noticed.
Speaking of, “Cole. That man. Why? You didn’t react to him as you reacted to the rest of the enemies.”
“You weren’t the only one who lost control.” He answered smoothly. Cole was going to bring her into the fold soon. But he didn’t want this to become his damn issues now. Not when it was important. “I had a reason. I don’t believe you did but again it’s… normal. You’re fighting for your life. Unless it was something else we haven’t.. had a chance to talk about any of it.”
Cole hoped that was enough of an answer to refocus her. He doubted it, but he could try.
Sofila flinched slightly when he brought up losing control.
“Well, yes but- it was-“ she stopped when he mentioned he had a reason. A reason? Does that mean he knew him? Was it personal?
That made sense. The injuries that Cole has inflicted on him had seem personal now that she thought about it. So lost in this, she almost missed the rest of Cole’s sentence and grimaced.
“It’s not- ah.” She started to rub her arms but not scratching. “No. In that moment it didn’t feel like survival. It happened before. Before ah, my family came to Arcona. We found slavers and-“
Her jaw tightened, she changed the topic away from losing control.
“It’s where we found Erin and took her in. My- Ah- she’s my little sister that we adopted.”
“So it was like that again?” He prompted softly. Initially he didn’t notice the movement but he felt it before long, blue eyes shifting down before returning to their watch over the door. Cole wasn’t really worried but it was habit.
He was more worried that she’d rip her arm open again. Finding her under the desk like that had never… He couldn’t remove the image from his mind whenever he saw her rubbing at her arms.
“Was there a reason like before, slavers aren’t the worst to have such a reaction to. Nor are the Children though less… personal?”
Sofila started to feel backed into a corner. And when she does, she gets defensive. She got up and started to pace in her room.
“I don’t know,” she attempted to flip this back on him, “why did you run after him? Or stepped on his knee? Or stabbed him in the eye? Seemed pretty more than just a reason. It was personal. You had quickly aimed to kill everything there but him?”
He shifts so she can without any difficulty, remaining sat down and just watching her circle the space. Cole wanted to press but.. well. That had worked in the past but only with consequences. It’d be fine to tell her the basics now.
“I never said it wasn’t personal.” Cole started, voice calm and steady in comparison to the accusatory tone. The only change he made in his expression was to, as he continued, raise an eyebrow. “Do you disapprove of my methods or the fact I acted on a grudge in that situation?”
Afterall, it wasn’t like she didn’t know what he was. Who he was. He hoped at least.
Sofila stopped at the question. Ah. Kriff. She got snappy. With a sharp exhale, she glanced away to the floor for a moment.
“Neither. It’s- just unlike you to do that in middle of battlefield unless-“ She frowned for a moment. “Family. Or friend. Was he a friend?” He couldn’t been family, last she knew of they were all gone.
“No. But I did know him, yes. He was one of us. Disappeared not long before what happened did. It turns out he wasn’t alone in moving to them.” He straightened his posture, maintaining eye contact as much as she would allow. Despite his attempts, a tension tightened his face. Narrowed his eyes. There was an anger burning within them, contained but alight. His voice didn’t betray this though, speaking as one would about something occuring a galaxy away. Indifferent to one who didn’t know him so well.
“They didn’t like that some of the Force Users who worked with us were loyal. I didn’t really get any details but it was enough. He would have lasted longer for that, if I’d have had the time to ensure it.”
The Mirialan was confused for a bit and processed what he said. She noticed the shift and her body language became calm and gentle.
“I mean if they didn’t like your family having some- are you thinking - wait I don’t -“ she stopped for a moment. She still didn’t have that much information on his family. He has been pretty tight lipped save for finally talking about Graham.
“Details for what? Are you seeking more information to why they moved over?”
“I need to do more research but I think the Children of Mortis decided to make sure that none of the Force Users they’d asked to join who’d refused could haunt them. Or at least wanted them dead for denying it. They couldn’t do that without killing all of us. People like him would have known that. I have no physical proof yet.”
He noticed her calming. Good. She was keyed in now and this was a good turning point to move away from the topic finally.
Before he punched something again.
“Oh. Ah. Kriff.” She sighed and said nothing else for awhile. This complicate things. Many of the Children are dead. If there was any remaining, they would be gone in the wind.
“If I can help in any way, well. You know I’m here.”
“Well there’s a very secure base they just so happened to have cleared out two years ago that I know about.” He said firmly.
Then that was enough.
“What made you lose control? Or at least… change your pattern of fighting. You weren’t exactly an untempered beast, just more vicious. Less clean about the kills you made. I think that question is fair, considering.”
It had worked out, telling her. But it left him feeling oddly vulnerable. Forced to tell sooner than he’d have liked. Maybe for the better but… It wasn’t comfortable.
“We could go-“
He moved on and she grimaced. Especially when he brought up that she was less clean when it happened. For a while there, she debated changing the topic but she knew that Cole would go back to it. And he wouldn’t like it if she pulled that stunt.
“I just- I don’t- I don’t want to become like him and talking about it confirms that I am his kriffin daughter. He’s known for cruelty and aggression.”
She started pacing again.
“I like to fight. You know this.” She didn’t want to talk further than that. Her stomach twisted in thinking about it.
“It’s a whole other evil having killed someone out of pure rage and strength and wanting to do more. My anger increases every time I fight for real. Not a spar. A real fight. And it just builds and I can’t get out of the battlefield - kark- so it gets out and made things more messy than needed. I enjoyed watching those slavers blood fill onto those floors and the Children’s on the crystals.”
Her jaw became very tight. She had told no one of this and no one suspected it. Asani and Wulfram were busy with dealing the victims and remaining slavers to take notice.
Evil. He couldn’t help but wonder how much she ignored of him to think he wasn’t that. The thought didn’t linger, concern replacing it instead as he relaxed his posture slightly, considering it.
“Adrenaline does strange things to people. As does a fight. Bloodlust isn’t unusual, espeically against a threat you aren’t conflicted about. Some people come away from the battlefield afraid of every twitch and noise they hear. Some come away drowning in guilt. Others return with anger.” Cole paused again. He’d been about to continue, to offer advice. Inform her of the proper things to do. Ones he’d never done but then he’d never concerned himself with how evil some of the acts he’d committed were.
“Do you want me to.. tell you what to do? Or just listen.”
“And what about those that still have it with them? Does the bloodlust ever goes away?” She became more quiet.
Of course, he would know. Sofila grimaced and stopped pacing. She realized something and hoped he didn’t get the wrong idea. She wasn’t sure if his suggestions can help with her want to bash someone’s face in and watch their life leave their-
Her eyes darted back down to her feet.
“I’m all ears.”
“For some, yes. They.. went away for a while usually. Came back calmer. I don’t know what they did other than take time away from it all. They just spoke of feeling better, calmer. Ready to fight again and they always were. Maybe that helped alone. It might be worth asking some of the more experienced Arconans. Ruka, you and him got along from what I heard. I.. can’t really give much direct help myself.” He shrugged.
Cole didn’t really want to admit that he still struggled with the anger. He suppressed it well enough and it rarely made way free in moments where it wasn’t useful. He’d tried the avenues available to him and they were very minimal as it was. Maybe she’d find more. He’d found contentment in how it was.
Silence filled the room for a while. She felt guilty for numerous reasons. Seconds passed as all was still. She walked towards the bed and sits down by Cole again. Her hand went over to his and if he allowed her, grasped his hand tightly.
“I hear you. I’ll take it into consideration. And what about you? Besides finding out about the Children and your family. How are you?”
He saw the hand coming and moved to grasp it, running his thumb across the back of her hand.
“Concerned. I did catch your wording. Does it ever go away.” He said it softly but.. well. It was poignant. But he let it drop. “Struggling to sleep but nothing new there. Routine, really.”
Ah. Kriff. She did say that.
“Nothing gets by you, hmm?” She mused softly. It wasn’t a bad thing. Kark, it made him very good at information gathering. She would never want to be on his bad side.
A soft nod at the mention of struggle to sleep, “Me too. I’ve considered to go to your room few times since I sleep better with you.”
She cleared her throat, “about the base you mentioned, I could go with you and we can see if we can find more information if you want?”
Cole shook his head, “No. If I’m seen there before whatever plan is made.. is final they’ll know what I’m doing. It’s my home. There’s been an.. unspoken truce. As far as everyone who used to work for us and everyone in that area is aware, I’ve been dead for two years. So long as I don’t go back, they leave me alone. I.. well. They don’t need me dead. Not truly. Just gone.”
He shook his head, “Either way, you’re telling me how much you’re struggling to maintain your own morals when you’re fighting and are asking for me to take you into one?” An eyebrow raised before he sighed and just let it drop, squeezing her hand before withdrawing that too. “There’s time. For you to heal. To find information. There’s still many of the traders of that region who’d know what is occuring and it wouldn’t take much to drag that information out of them. They’d fear me more than they fear whatever face they replaced us with. You can rest. And you should.”
Sofila nodded softly when he explained a bit further. When he mentioned base, she thought of something else, not his home. So it was going to take time. Then he went on.
She scoffed and frowned when his hand withdrew from hers. “Yes, I struggle but everyone always struggle something. We aren’t droids after all. It doesn’t mean to put me on the backburner. You’re telling me to rest. Should you too?”
Then she paused for a moment. She might be wrong but-
“You’re being eeriely calm about this as well.”
“I have been since we got back.” It wasn’t a lie. He hadn’t been mortally wounded but he’d caught enough blows that once the war had been done he’d need time to get back on his feet properly. It was why this conversation was happening now, not sooner. Cole mulled over his physical well being and… yeah. He was good to go. Anger had never stopped him from a mission either. If anything it was good fuel to get everything done as long as it was tempered.
“This is what I was trained to do. Find information, take down enemies and protect home.” Realistically, he knew he still shouldn’t go back. Just let the arconan forces know to let them handle it. Maybe he still would do that part but his presence wasn’t necessary in the situation. But this was something he couldn’t let go. Not the chance to go home. “I know what I need to do.”
Maybe at least something would be retrievable. His damn sanity if nothing else, watching those karkers bleed this time.
“So have I.” Sofila said honestly. She didn’t go out and went crazy on the training like she usually do. Or climbing. Or anything physically extreme. She had been learning. Though she hated it, it was more time alone with her thoughts. Sort of. Save for the few calls to her family.
“I haven’t really left,” she added, realizing that they haven’t… really visited each other since so he had no way of knowing. “Or visit the training room much.”
She shook her head, “Cole.” There had to be more. If this was her home and her family? She would’ve gone berserk. Off the rails. By the stars, she would gone there the moment the war was over. She opened her mouth but quickly closed it. Last time she pressured him, it got a bit ugly for a moment. And she was too tired and weary to start anything. She just wanted to enjoy his presence. How can she, knowing that he’s being haunted right now? She had nothing else to add. Except for one: “We’re in this together, right?”
He nodded to her explaining. It was good to hear considering how they’d argued over her tendencies to just.. spar her problems away before. It was good.
Then she said his name and he looked to her. Watched her start before stopping and waited quietly for whatever it was she chose to follow up with instead of the initial thought.
It wasn’t the question he expected.
“If you want to be.” Was the response after a few tense moments. Her place in this was a choice. He appreciated that Sofila did want to. But… “I’m going to do things you won’t like. For information and to finish it.”
Cole maintained the eye contact, a careful stare that still carefully contained everything. It was a choice, and a promise at the same time. He wouldn’t conceal what he was now, he hadn’t before. It just had been less relevant to mention in front of her.
If she wanted to be. The way he said it worried her. She wanted to be there for him and to make sure he didn’t somehow, lose himself to this. It was one of the things her Buir had warned her about if she decided to be the one to go after her father.
“Okay,” she started and kept the eye contact, “exactly what do you mean?”
“On which statement or both?” He responded. It was a fair question. A smart one to ask that showed that she… understood him.
That was a boon, yes. But he also wondered if this line of questions would be a problem.
“Both,” Sofila answered, her voice soft and low. She was starting to mentally brace herself. Cole knew her enough by now and if he guessed that it would be something she won’t like, she should know instead of finding out in the moment. That could exacerbate things.
He sighed slightly. “I’m happy for you to join me but you aren’t.. committed to stay. Or to do things you won’t or can’t do. It’s at your will. This is my path to walk with or without company. As much as I would prefer your company.” That was the easier one. She’d understand that. Cole held her gaze still.
How to explain the second statement? To him it was fairly plain but it alluded to wanting details up front.
“I don’t know what I’ll need to do currently. But if I have to hurt people, torture them or destroy what they love; If I have to make them remember why the Farrow name was feared as long as it was, I will. You were taught mercy, clean kills that didn’t elongate suffering. I was taught both. I won’t hesistate from the necessity either. I haven’t here, nor in the past and I won’t now.”
He held her gaze as he spoke, firm and serious. Calm, for someone speaking the words he did. It was a matter of fact to him, one he was indifferent to except for one part that simply showed in how intently he held her gaze. Cole wanted to make sure she knew.
There was a bit of a pause before he went onto the second one. She could respond to the first one but she figured to wait. Torture was one thing but to go far as destroying what they love? She was quiet and processing everything he had said. She sort of knew. Deep down, but now that it was out in the light, she had found herself a bit uncomfortable. She had the urge to get up and walk away from him. Instead, she remained seated on L'ara’s bed, by him. He’s right there and to her, he’s also not. This wasn’t Cole.
Or was it?
She had so many questions.
But were they even important?
“Can we just agree that you’ll not - ah.” She took in a deep breath.
“Yea.” She got up from the bed and kept her distance from Cole.
“Just…. give me a minute.”
Cole didn’t stand up. He’d lost Zuza over this, though this time he had the chance to let her avoid it. It was safer.
He didn’t say anything, letting her process it. Watching her. The door. It’d go however it went. At least she knew now, and if she needed details then he’d provide them.
This wasn’t.. what he thought this would become. This conversation. He’d wanted to comfort her and this was quite the opposite.
No response. No movement. Nothing. Just the waiting.
Kark, she hated that too. The silence. She wanted to tell him to say something but she did request for a minute.
A minute for kriffin’ what.
“I mean, I get it. We have to do what we need to do to extract information. Believe me, I get it but-” She exhaled. Her body shifted uncomfortably. “Can we omit the destroying whatever it is that they love? As for the torture, I just won’t be in the room. Easier that way. We don’t want me to respond the way I responded when I caught Buir torturing a man.”
“It’s a last resort option usually, if thats any comfort.” He wouldn’t agree to it. If it was necessary, then so be it.
“You’ve not been in the room once for those kind of actions before, so yes. As I said, it’s up to you when you are present.”
He remained still yet.
Sofila’s jaw tighten. She would just have to hope it wouldn’t come to that. Kriff. The man she’s talking to, to her, it’s not Cole.
Then it dawned on her, “wait, what? What was before?”
“How do you think the Tekuani and I got the information out of that drug.. lord person?” He said lord as if the word tasted poorly. Cole thought very little of the man even now. He’d been weak.
Otherwise he just remained steady. The question finally changed his expression though, a mild confusion finally diluting the calmness.
“Oh. Him. We were preoccupied with other things so, I didn’t think about how you two extracted information from him.” Then she remembered mentioning his screams to Asani.
Her gaze remained on him before she cleared her throat. “Okay. I’m in.”
And someone needs to make sure you don’t spiral out of control.
Cole nodded softly, “We didn’t do much. Well.” He pulled a face, “Do you want to know?”
If she’d prefer not then maybe that was for the best.
“Ah, no. I’m okay. I mean, like I said I won’t be in the same room as you but I do have to wonder-“ she quickly shut up. She was not going to have that conversation when Cole was being eerily calm and he had the tendency to get defensive when his father was brought up.
Instead, she sighed and stood in front of him. Her hand placed on the side of his head and ran back to his hair. His soft hair slid between her fingers.
“I missed you.”
He leaned into her hand, letting his eyes fall shut for a moment. It was probably better this way.
“I missed you too.”
The words were soft, spoken as he turned his head to press a kiss against the palm of her hand.
Sofila smiled softly as his lips pressed against her hand. This was better. She leaned down and kissed the top of his head. She took in his scent for a moment.
“I haven’t had the time to really look for any underwater caves adventures yet. It’s something I can do for us soon, does that sound good?”
“Sure. I think we need the break.”
He debated asking if she wanted to bring friends along but then remembered why she wanted to do this idea. For him, to fill in that. It was strange but kind and he felt a warmness Cole hadn’t since he got home.
He let the moment hang before slowly asking, his voice low and carefully paced, certain in his words but not her. Her reaction at least. If she’d.. want it. “I’d do it for you too, you know? To make sure you’re safe.”
Sofila felt relieved when Cole agreed to it. Them getting away could do them some good. She would really need to make sure to find a good and safe place to do so, with less underwater creatures surprises. There was no words between them while Sofila continued to stroke his hair gently.
She paused for a moment at his words and she realized something. How far she would go for him? For her family? Kriff. She would throw herself off to the deep end to get exactly what she wanted and what she needed. In a heartbeat and without hesitation. She was such a hypocrite. Kark. Was it her disdain towards his father causing her to be less understanding than she wanted to be?
“I know. I would too, cyar'ika.”
He doubted it to some extent but then.. the slavers. Maybe to an extent. It was more a relief that she didn’t press against the issue.
He nodded, sighing softly and reaching a hand to pull on her arm, to encourage her to sit back down. Cole didn’t mind the view, but they really needed to be settling down if they could. Soon.
Sofila grumbled for a moment. She doesn’t like sitting still. It felt like it was all she had done since they got back. By the stars, the energy building up in her. However, the Mirialan complied and sat back down by Cole.
“I’m not sure if it matters since you haven’t really met them all yet, but eveyone, ah- my family I mean, is okay. From the war.” Then she smiled, “Obviously. You would know if something was wrong. You can read me like a book.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” He responded, nodding as he slipped an arm around her, hand resting on Sofila’s hip. It was comfortable to hold.
“You.. have tells. In the same way you seem to be able to read mine. And I actually practise hiding mine.” He chuckled ever so softly. Cole preferred the open book thst she was. Even hiding things under smiles it was.. better thst way he felt. Probably better she could read him too or… well.
“Have you told them any of this?”
“Mmm, good point. Feels like my tells are very loud and subtle, like a picture book.” Sofila grinned. “Yours is more… hidden. Subtle. I would have to read between the lines to find a clue or a hint. Hmm. Ah. A mystery book so to speak, where there’s little things throughout the entire book and I would have to almost get to the end to figure things out.” She didn’t realize that it was Cole. Who he was. And she didn’t mind. She liked starting to know his tells and little hints.
“About any of what? Oh. Us? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” She trailed off and was in thought for a moment. “Buir knows, last time I talked to him about you, that you were a friend. This was before the mission with the-” She stopped. Kark. How long has it been since then?
Her voice lowered, “The Sith.” She shook her head, “Anyways, I haven’t told them that we’re - ah. Dating- In a relationship - oh kark. Yea. I should tell them soon.”
That.. was not the question hed intended to be answered.
“Oh. Right.” He hesitated. Cole wasn’t exactly confident that her older sister would be happy about the matter. Nor her Buirs. He wasn’t exactly an ideal partner in the eyes of most.
“I more meant.. you. How you are with the war. If you’d consider talking to them, maybe? But perhaps they should know about us being a.. thing too. Theyd likely want to know.”
Even if they didn’t approve.
“Oh.”
Sofila didn’t say anything else. It was few minutes before, “No. Cole- Ah, wait, yes, I will tell them about us. That goes without saying but as for- no. I’m not going to tell them anything.” She waited for his protest. Or bringing up good points for her to tell them.
Despite all he’ll try, she feels that this one was something she’ll be adamant about.
He sighed but wouldn’t lecture her on that part specifically.
“Someone else then? At least.” His voice softened, a murmur as he leaned his head to press against hers, temple to temple. Still watching the door.
Soflia was surprised but she didn’t show it. Her body relaxed more knowing that he wasn’t going to bother her about it. Until he brought up the idea of someone else and his eyesight was at the door. As always.
“Cole, I’m fine. Really. I’m sleeping through the night.” Somewhat. “I’m eating and drinking as well haven’t gone off to find a mission to keep myself busy.” Yet.
She reached out and squeezed his hand reassuringly, “I’m okay. I’m more worried about you if anything.”
“But you’re still angry. You said it yourself and I know you’ve never mentioned this to your Buirs. They might have been able to train you on how to manage it but there are others too. Its fine… until it happens again. And it bothers you again like it is now.” His voice remained soft, gaze consistent in where it settled. “I’m trained for all of this. You judge my upbringing but.. I know what I’m capable of. I can handle this better than you seem to think.”
Sofila scoffed as she removed her hand. “I am angry yes but I’m fine. I’m always angry, Cole. Sure it bothers me for a bit but I always comes to term with it eventually.” He brought up his upbringing as she bit her cheek.
“I will always judge it. I mean for kark’s sake, for example I’m sure you were taught to kill someone at a young age? Suns, how old were you when you were taught the ways of torture?”
He shifted to sit up slightly, still close but not forcing himself into her space. Cole wasn’t sure if he was but.. well he wasn’t sure.
“So you won’t get help.” He responded, not deigning to answer the follow up. The torture was later than the killing but she’d still disapprove of either. Both. He didn’t want to answer it when she was deflecting like this.
Her eyes narrowed and she found herself looking at the door as well. Or glaring to be more accurate.
“No. I do not need it,” she could feel her anger starting to grow. Kriff. It didn’t help that she feels like she’s ready to pick a fight. She scoffed bitterly, “Funny enough, I am starting to get angry.” She scooted away and turned to face him, her leg bent on the bed and the other hanging out at the end. “Look at me.” Kark that kriffin’ door.
Cole let his gaze linger on the door for a moment more before turning his head, remaining still even as his gaze met hers.
“If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be doing this.” He said softly yet, unflinching even as she shifted to face him, glaring. She went from calm to heated in a heart beat. And Cole would bet credits that she wasn’t in control of that switch.
Sofila grinded her teeth for a bit. “Doing what? Telling you to look at me? I’m sorry that I wanted attention of the guy I happen to give my heart.” She paused for a moment, “I’m not the one that’s constantly on edge. I can’t get you to relax, Cole. Everywhere we go, you act like someone was going enter- blasters blazin’. Yes, things happens, krist happens, there’s a difference being prepared or being paranoid. You say I need help, have you thought that maybe you need help? You’re being-” She stopped, struggled to find the last word to describe how odd he’s being right now.
“Snapping at me.” He answered, leaning his head to the side and shrugging but she continued. Deflecting. As if it was his fault she was angry, when he just wanted her tk get help dammit. And then she has the gall to say he should?
Coles eyes narrowed ever so slightly. Annoyance flickered but other than a tension building in his shoulders he forced himself to remain calm, “So I’m supposed to get help for things I’m managing, while you.. get angry at for me for even suggesting you should seek it out? And I’m being what? Firm, that I want the woman I’m giving my heart to is ready to throw herself in every dangerous situation she can just to avoid sitting with herself for more than a few days.”
He inhaled sharply, looking away but forcibly not toward the door.
“And even if i told you what ages I started doing things, what would you break this time? Another data pad? The bed? The desk? Twelve was too soon for missions for you.”
It was probably too far to call her out so plainly, yet she did exactly that. She asked him question and question and then.. what? Just ignored what he told her bar the bits she wanted to hear. The parts where she’d slowly decided his father had been his real enemy.
“I am not snap-” She stopped. Kark. She just did. She reeled back at his comment of her throwing herself in dangerous situations. She hasn’t done that in a while, not since they had a talk about it. As for the situation during war, she calculated and she knew she would be okay. She had the means and her barrier. She knew the team would get her back. And they did. And did she.
“I haven’t thrown myself in a dangerous situation for days- Cole, what the actual kark?!” Her gaze looked away. She started to shake. There was too much tension in here and it wouldn’t bode well for either of them. And it wasn’t the only tension she was experiencing. Now was not the kriffin’ time.
‘What would you break this time?’
Quickly, she got up from the bed and started to head to the door to leave to avoid breaking anything else. She wasn’t going to lose control. No. Not when she had been doing better.
And her ego wouldn’t let her lose control in front of him.
“Are you going to do something stupid or should it be me leaving considering this is your room.” He spoke flatly, watching her back.
He felt guilt.
Cole didn’t know what to do with that feeling. It was as much as constant as fear and anger was. No solutions, just management. Live with it. Hed live with this.
The Human got to his feet, still tense.
Her hand reached to the door as she placed her forehead onto the door. Those words hurt.
She hasn’t improved, has she? If he was pointing out everything she had been doing wrong and stupid, she hasn’t improved then. He’s observant and she’s not.
“We haven’t seen each other for a while and we’re at each other throats. Kriffin’ great. I need a minute. And no, I won’t do anything stupid.” Her words sounded strained. Stressed. Kriff. With a sharp exhale, she turned to leave because she doesn’t want to be in an enclosed space.
He didn’t stop her.
Cole stood there for a few moments before raising a hand to his face and covering it. He only closed his eyes for a few moments, listening to her footsteps for if she was leaving the floor entirely before looking to the door again.
A few minutes. If she wasn’t back in a few minutes he’d go.
Why the kriff was he so terrible at this? He just wanted her to get help. To not be- he wanted her to better than he was dammit. She deserved that.
Cole found a spot beside the desk, leaning against the wall and settling there to see what would happen. If shed deman answers to her questions if she even came back. Hed wanted to be a comfort.
He’d never been good at that.
Sofila walked down the hallway with her hands behind her neck. There were interlocked to make sure she doesn’t start scratching again. Her eyelids were closed for few moments as she was steadying her breaths. She just feels so defeated. She had been trying. Maybe she wasn’t doing enough? She started to think on her actions lately. She grimaced softly. Maybe she should’ve gone training at least once. Or camping. Or something. Clear her mind. But no, she stayed here.
Why did she stay here?
The conversation was relaying in her head. Her dangerous situations. Stupid choices. Her anger. Had it really been that bad? Breaking something else. And twelve was too young for missions. She would hate to think if he was younger or older when he learned to torture or kill. Maybe even both at the same karkin’ time for all she kriffin’ knows. And one thing stood out to her, him giving his heart to her.
Kark. Her walking had slowed down and she glanced back at her room as she made the circle. She wasn’t sure if he left or not. Might as well check, despite everything, she doesn’t want to just… leave him like that. Made her way back to her room, she glanced around and her eyes met with Cole by the desk.
Sofila had no words. Kriff. She’s worried if she opens her mouth, things may get worse. The tension was still there. Stepped into the room so the door could close, her arms crossed, and it was obvious with her body language that she was closing off. The tension was so thick, it felt hard to breathe or even think right now. She hated that she’s an expressive and explosive personality. She hates everything that she is right now.
And that was a dangerous thought.
“I’ll find someone.”
He nodded. It was a relief yet..
She was worse. Hed come in here to try and ease her stress and in trying to fix it hed broken everything more. He straightened, arms slipping behind his back. Hands clasping there. It stopped him from fidgeting.
“Eight.” He said shortly. Itd come up again. And it was a piece of him. An answered question. If nothing else. He hoped she didn’t actually break anything but if he didn’t believe in her… no. That wasn’t fair. “Not torture. That was much later, after I started missions.”
He averted gaze as he finished speaking.
‘Eight.’
Her inhale was slow. She uncrossed her arms and rubbed her face before running it back of her hair and rested on the back of her neck. Her eyelids were closed.
That bastard is lucky he’s already dead.
She mentally scoffed at herself. She’s hating someone who has been dead. What was the point? She opened her eyelids and her gaze fell on Cole. Her hands slid down and she crossed her arms again.
“Do you still idolize him?” Sofila asked. She wanted to know what his thoughts were on his father.
His eyebrows twitched, a frown forming for a moment. It faded, watching her as he often did.
“He was my father.” Cole spoke, an uncertain waver to his voice. “It was safe. I wasn’t in a combat situation. I- I’m not sure I know what you’re asking Sofila.”
“I feel like-” She stopped. She needed be careful what she was going to say. She shook her head. It wasn’t a good idea right now.
That wasn’t an answer. Nor even anything really. There wasn’t anything to say to it so Cole didn’t. She’d either press it or she wouldn’t.
He’s just a boy-
He frowned, looking away at the memory suddenly bearing through. Cole pressed his nails into his palm for a moment. This wasn’t the time.
She wanted to cut the distance and hug him. Yet her feet stay planted. She wasn’t sure if he was in the mood for that. He got what he wanted.
“I’m sorry,” the Mirialan started, “for snapping at you earlier.”
Cole shook his head.
“I went too far. I just… I worry about you. I don’t know how to help you but it-” He cut himself off and sighed, bringing his gaze back to hers. Contain. But.. no. Not all of it. That wasn’t the plan.
With his mind screaming at him, he continued. Albeit on a different angle.
“I don’t want you to stop being who you are. I’ve seen it happen, people changing like that.”
“But that’s just it. You do help me by just being here. You do so much more than you realized. I just feel like I haven’t improved since. I really thought I have. You don’t want me to change. Cole, I don’t want to change. I’m an expressive and emotional woman. I’m aware that I am. And yet, it feels like I’m stepping on more land mines than usual. I think we just- I don’t know.”
She huffed and shook her head. No matter.
She smiled softly before approaching him. Her hands reached out as she gently grasped his grey blue button up shirt and pulled him towards her gently. Her lips touched his cheek. “I won’t change,” Sofila whispered.
“You have. Just.. not in letting people help you.” He spoke softly, arms dropping from the at ease almost military style posture he’d settled into and reaching to slip around her hips as she pulled him closer.
“And I’ll try to, for the better.” He wasn’t sure how he’d do that. But it was something. A goal. Whatever better meant.
The voice echoed again in his mind and he held her a little closer.
Sofila grumbled a bit playfully. “I’ll try.” She wrapped her arms around his torso and pulled him in. She leaned slightly and nuzzled her face into his neck and sighed. She started to feel better at his contact and the smell of him.
Kark him for everything. He can tame her fast. Kriffin how?
“I’m glad,” she murmured before adding, “Thank you.”
He just shook his head, holding her close and taking in the moment.
“You wouldn’t if you knew everything I’d done.” It was a low tone. Dampened with the weight of that knowledge. Weighed down. He had no regrets, they were necessary. But he shouldn’t be thanked for considering change just for her sake and for the sake of a situation he was forced into. “But yeah, it’ll be okay.”
Sofila scowled softly. “By the stars, Cole. We aren’t all angels and perfect beings.” She exhaled softly, “I know I’m not.” She pondered for a moment before pulling away. “It all depends. I mean I have thought I was going to lose myself but I didn’t. I wanted to stay as who I am.” She stopped for a moment. Maybe it would be better to show him.
“Do you have time to leave the ship for several hours?”
He shook his head, letting her pull away but keeping his arms so thst his hands rested on her waist still. As long as Sofila let them.
Cole had no idea how to explain without scaring her away or sounding like some crazy charity case. So instead he just nodded.
“I didn’t have any plans other than seeing you. Its late though.”
Her eyebrows rose, “Do you really think you’ll sleep tonight?” She asked honestly. Sure, she’ll be able to fall asleep but even she knew, after all this, it would take several hours for her to finally drift to sleep.
“I more mean that if we’re going planet side there won’t be much open.” He pointed out
Sofila shook her head softly. “It’s… it won’t be an issue. But we can wait till tomorrow if that’s what you are worried about.”
“Its your idea. If its not a problem then I trust you.” Cole shrugged.
“I came here to try and make you feel better. Its the least I can do.”
“If you don’t want to do this, it’s fine. I won’t be hurt.” Her voice was soft and steady. Her body language showed that she won’t be hurt by him not wanting to go. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to go.”
“I don’t.” He reassured her.
It.. wasn’t a complete lie. It wouldn’t be his first choice for the evening but Cole didn’t mind either. He wouldn’t be sleeping anyway.
“Though itd be good to know what this, is?”
Sofila sighed softly. “An old trading route. Where my family and I took care of the slavers. If you still want to go, you will need to gear up just a bit. I’m sure the route is now dead but better to be safe than sorry, the surrounding areas is pretty rough.”
Ah.
“I can gear up. I know places like that. Maybe not what to expect this time but enough. Dead routes often have.. bitter stragglers.” He glanced toward the door, “Are we gearing together or meeting at thr elevator?”
He had a feeling he knew what this was about. Nor did Cole feel he’d be particularly bothered by whatever was to come.
It was a game of sharing snippets. He just hoped that he didn’t break it at some point.
“That’s true.” She wasn’t sure if the place would be a good idea after the destruction for bitter stragglers but you never know. “We can meet at the elevator.” Once he left the room, she started to put on her armor and her blaster as well lightsaber, she held her helmet and made her way to the elevator. Meanwhile, she started to request for an Xuber, but only with droid as a pilot. Cost more but she would want the privacy at the moment.
He nodded and left. It didn’t take him long to armour up, choosing the slugthrower over the sniper. There wouldn’t be time for setting up or anything if there was an attack so an additional medium ranged weapon wouldn’t be bad.
Cole was soon at the elevator, adjusting some straps but ready to go and see where Sofila killed a bunch of people probably. He wasn’t sure how this would help but.. oh well. If it got her off of focusing down on his family.. kriff. Do you still idolise him? What did that even mean.
Hed never really.. well. Okay he had. But who didn’t idolise their parents as kids? The question still prickled at Cole, an uncomfortable feeling he didn’t know how to shift settling in his stomach.
Sofila glanced up to him. “Are you okay?” She reached over and pushed the button as she waited Cole’s answer.
Cole considered it before nodding. “Yeah.”
It wasn’t a real issue after all. He was fine. He stepped onto the elevator with her and stood close as they descended.
Sofila sighed behind him and stepped in. She wasn’t going to press it. Kriff. She wishes she knew when she can press and when to let things go.
Things were so complicated.
When they had arrived, it looked like an abaonded factory area. Half of it was burnt. Plants over took it. “Well. Here we are.” She removed her helmet. “Doesn’t seem like anyone is here.” She carefully went through the doors and glanced around. “Hmm.”
She paused for a moment. Her pink hues glanced around and she was quiet.
Cole looked around as well, a hand on thr blaster shoulder on his shoulder. He kept his steps quiet, gaze snapping from entrance points, gaps. There was a lot of risks being in a place like this.
“Its quiet.” He spoke after a minute, glancing to her. “Where are we going?‘
“Hmm.” Sofila glanced at the front doors. “Buir came in first. Of course. Asani was up there…” She glanced up at the rafters and walkways that were hanging from the ceiling.
“I was trailing behind…” She started to slowly remember. The blaster sounds. The orders from the slavers. “Buir had to run. I think they were going to kill the victims. Or quickly get them on the ship in the back hanger. So he went to the back. I tried to follow.” She started to head towards the direction and there was a massive pipe on the floor. There were signs of blasters and dried blood.
“I kriffin tripped.” She exhaled. Then she tilted her head to the side, there were huge pipes off the side. “That’s when I saw the slight gap between a wall and the floor.” She climbed over the pipes and pushed the wall as it slid open. Dust and dirt gathered up before it settled.
“Asani and Buir were long gone. I found them all here.” She let out a sigh.
“Course. They weren’t alone. Why would they be?” She glanced at the floor of dried blood and entered further of the hidden hallway. “Some of the slaves managed to run out of the door but others were … they tried to use their lives against me.”
She gritted her teeth. “I aimed. They moved. I ended up killing one of the slaves.” She sighed. “And that’s when I lost control.” She walked closer to the area. It was obvious compared to everywhere else, there was just puddles or a small splatter. This? It looked like a massacre. There’s even bones and skeletons but they all looked like they been moved around from nature over time. Sofila shifted uncomfortably.
“What I’m trying to say… despite all that, I’m still here. I’m still me. It took me several days to shake it off but I did. I just needed time.” She smiled softly. She glanced back to the door. “I didn’t want them to know. So once the slaves got out - ah, well, the ones that survived. I closed the door. Until today.” She approached Cole and wrapped her arms around his torso. “I won’t change.” Her voice sounded adamant
“I believe you.” Cole spoke softly, resting his chin on her shoulder and returning the embrace. Icy eyes gazed over the scene behind her. It was brutal but.. kriff she’d been young and surrounded. It was incredible she’d even survived. He’d done worse on purpose. Innocents.. they got caught in the crossfire more often than he’d like to admit but its keep shooting or get shot.
“You agreed earlier though. To find someone to help. Is this your way of telling you won’t?” The tone didn’t change. There was no accusation, just a tired concern. He hoped she didn’t mean it like that. It was a long way to come out, to make that point and while she hadn’t changed these things clearly hurt her Even years later. It wasn’t healthy.
Something vaguely clicked in his head. Had he thought he needed it? He hadn’t. But then he had had training.
Whatever. Her. Focus.
“What? No.” Sofila sighed and pulled away from the embrace gently. “I said I will and I meant it. I’m just trying to show you no matter what, I’ll always be me. You mentioned about being worried that I would stop being myself. I mean, I would hope that it would help with my anger, but I meant my personality. Or… whatever it is you are worried about.”
She glanced back into the room. Part of her wanted to finally give them the proper burial but she doesn’t remember which ones were those slavers and which ones were the victims.
“Not going to lie, burning down this place sounds good.”
Cole slips his hand into hers, nodding tk her words. He doesn’t expand on what he meant. She was going to get help.
That was what mattered.
“We don’t know who or what is in the area. Their bones don’t have memories to worry over. They’re just bone.”
Sofila sighed at his words and looked around again.
“Yea. You’re right.” Their memories are mine to burden. She glanced over back to Cole with a small smile. “Was there anything else on your mind?”
“Just.. well. I don’t think of the first kill very often.” He shrugged, “Nothing recent, at least. Did you want to walk around? If its been a while, I doubt you’ll come again anytime soon.”
He offered. He didn’t want whisk her away from here already but hanging around just for ghosts wasn’t ideal.
Now Sofila was curious. “This wasn’t my first ki- though I do remember my first kill. You … don’t remember yours?”
She let out a sight and nodded. She won’t mind the idea of walking around. “Sure, we can do that.” Headed out of the room, she waited for Cole before closing the door once more and climbed over the pipes again.
“I do. Very well.” He responded quietly, walking a step behind her to exit the room and falling in line at her side once they were clear of the pipes.
“What was yours? I presume you were older than I was.”
“I was.” She sounded a bit bitter. It wasn’t because she was older but the fact that Cole was younger when he had his.
“It was around the time Clan Armis had stopped with the idea of child soliders. Not… many were keen with the idea. Buir found one that went off the charts and was…. pushing the children too hard. Survival of the fittest. They were just-” She exhaled softly and shook her head. She started to head out.
“Buir found a perfect range place so he was with me as he gave me his sniper. Taught me the steady breathing. Squeeze, don’t pull. I guess he thought that far away kill like a sniper might be easier on someone that was wanting to learn. And it was, honestly.” She remembered her first close combat kill and that was more rough but it was something she had gotten used to over time. Especially considering her skills were better off in front lines.
Cole nodded, “It is easier. How.. were you after it? Even at a distance it’s still a life. Better, for that to be a first than close but I can’t imagine it was truly easy.”
“Mmmm.” Sofila paused. She was trying to remember how she was in the days that followed. “For a while, I think I kept convincing myself it was all for the greater good. I distracted myself constantly so I never… really look back into it. Just do my thing, distract myself, kept myself busy, and move on. I knew what I wanted to be, I knew that to be part of this life, there will be more so there’s … really not time to dwell on the ghosts of past.”
Cole nodded, “Smart. I knew someone, she counted every single one. She didn’t last very well among us all.” He was quiet for a few moments.
“You did do a good thing. Whether or not the action was, the result was those kids not living under that when they didn’t need to.”
Sofila sighed heavily. “Yea.” They contunied to walk the quiet streets. There was some shady figures but it was the vibe of, leave them alone, they leave you alone.
She. Sofila paused. She remembered that Zuza knew Cole and was part of - Nah. Can’t be Zuza. She wouldn’t be THAT unhealthy. Would she? “Who was she?”
Cole paused, frowning. Then he shook his head, “She joined for a short time, disappeared before she was fully initiated. Some Nagai girl. Very honour driven and that.. well it doesn’t mix well.”
“I think we went on one mission together, I heard her counting. Asked. I told her it was a stupid idea.” He paused again. “She left not long after that. Probably for the best though.”
“I’m glad she got out then. It’s… not good to be stuck where you shouldn’t be.” She was relieved to hear that it wasn’t Zuza. Sofila realized she never counted. She remember few kills here and there but not a total body count.
Was that the same?
It dawned on her that they just finished war. Kriff. Now she was really glad she doesn’t count.
Cole nodded in agreement, “No, it’s not. She didn’t belong. A lot didn’t. Most had the sense to leave, the rest died. It was usually obvious it was going to happen, either because they were stupid or because they thought they had more power than they did. I killed at least.. a handful myself. Thought that they could overpower us just as a rookie crew. We let them try.”
He scoffed slightly, shaking his head. “We had half the men. The only thing we didn’t expect was acid but that didn’t save them.”
He paused for a moment, “Did.. you have to deal with a lot of people like that one guy, your first kill, among the mandalorians?”
Sofila grimaced at the word stupid. Was it really stupid to try something? Even if it doesn’t work out. Best way to know if something would work out or not was to try. Acid. Kriffin suns.
Sofila shook her head quickly. “No. Thankfully. Many were happy and fine with the idea of not forcing children to be Mandalorian. So most just raised them in the Ways and if they decide they don’t want to be part of it, we let them go. Arden, my other sister is one. She doesn’t want to be a Mandalorian.” She stopped for a moment and glance around. “I know of a hotel… not here in the lower levels of course. We can do that or we can go back home?”
Cole nodded. It made sense, many saw the Mando clans as cults and many were. It was why they’d always respected Beskar. Not out of a lack of want to claim it but out of the intelligence to know that if whoever it was connected to that was still alive saw it, it’d be war.
“It was a long trip out, a hotel might work better though in upper levels they might question how geared up we are. Depends on if you’d rather avoid people staring or avoid waiting ages to make it somewhere we can rest.”
Sofila sighed. He had a good point. Buir had to really lay it thick for them to get a hotel at the upper levels. Maybe it would be better to find one here. But would Cole even get some sleep?
Who she was kidding.
Suns, she won’t get that much sleep herself. “Okay. We can do that.” She moved the helmet to her left hand and her right hand reached back to get her datapad as she used one hand to type and find the nearest hotel. There was several but there was only one that looked… decent enough and didn’t have reviews of bugs and hookers as well loud noises. “It’s a bit of a walk but supposedly, this one is the most quiet one out of the others.”
“Sounds like a plan then.” Cole commented, glancing over her shoulder at the datapad to look at the place.
It wouldn’t be the worst place he’d stayed in.
Sofila gave Cole few minutes so he can also remember where it was. Once they were done with the datapad, she slipped it back into one of the belt pouches and continued to walk.
“Penny for your thoughts?” She grinned softly.
“Still in the past.” He shrugged. Maybe he should have dodged that. Kriff.
Cole walked beside her, glancing around as they entered into new areas, rooms. “Do you want to know what my first kill was? I don’t want to just.. say it if it’s going to upset you.”
Her grin faded. Okay. Now that was unlike Cole to stay in the past. Or was it really? It felt like he has been lately.
“What’s on your mind?” She asked as they entered into the room. Then he said it. She stopped walking and glanced towards him. “I would like to know. I just… I learned not to pressure you into with questions. Do you… Would you like to rather wait until we get into a hotel room?”
Cole nodded.
“Yeah, I’d prefer that.”
Who knew who was around?
–
It took a small while to get to the hotel, passing in mostly quiet chatter as they made their way up and away from the lower reaches of the planet.
Cole stepped into the hotel room first, looking around it as he gave room for Sofila to enter behind him. Once she was in he pressed the door shut and started the process of getting his armour and shoes off.
They’d recieved some looks but a quick lie from Cole that they’d been sent for a lost item below, that hadn’t been there, had put the hotel staff at ease. Treasure hunters were a prepared lot usually, and far less worrisome to civillians than bounty hunters or what Cole and Sofila truly were.
Though they had given the side of his face a long weary look before accepting the lie.
Followed Cole, she started to remove her weapons and placed them on her side of the bed, away from the door. She had a feeling he would want to sleep closer to the door. The Mirialan started to take off her armor. The lie didn’t bother her, she was used to having to lie to get what little things they needed. Or sometimes, what people doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Sat on the edge of the bed, she started to take off the bottom parts of her armor.
Kriff.
She loved being a Mandalorian but by the stars, this was a lot of work. Once she was finished, she sat up from the bed and stretched for a moment before looking over to Cole.
“Your first kill?”
He was out of his armour, carefully placing everything so it was organised at least even if not put away. The only thing he didn’t leave was his blaster pistol which he carried to the bed and placed on the bedside table.
“..What about your bouncing thing?”
He didn’t want to avoid it, but she hadn’t done it yet and usually-
Cole looked a little embarrassed after, rubbing the back of his neck.
Sofila smiled. An actual huge smile. Then she laughed, “I did think about it but I felt like it wouldn’t be approprite when you said you wanted to tell me about your first kill, you know?”
She felt flattered. Charmed even. It was so sweet when he noticed little things and it warmed her heart. This was what she wanted to hold onto. What she want to cling onto about Cole. The little small things. The goodness in him.
“Buuuuut since you brought that up!” She quickly hopped onto the bed and started bouncing on it for a bit. Though not as high as the other hotel because the ceilings were lower and she was a bit of a tall woman. Then she sat down, bounced few times, hopped to the edge of the bed with her butt as she sighed contently.
She looked over to Cole with her pink hues and waited, patiently. Having that bit of outburst of energy helped her.
“That’s true.” He chuckled, watching her for a moment and shaking his head. Cole had no desire to partake but it would have been strange at this point if she hadn’t. It was a sweet habit, proof that yeah she was still Sofila. Once she had it out of her system, he sat down on the edge of the bed. Unsurprisingly the one closer to the door.
“Right. It was..” Cole paused, before starting at a different angle instead. “Our group had been at war with another for years. It was a long feud. A few years before, we started gaining ground however. I was too young to know any real details or strategising, witnessed a few of the skirmishes and raids from afar with Graham so we knew what was going on but we weren’t directly exposed. We won. Compressed their territory and my father managed to capture the few of their higher ups who were still alive. We were brought out to be there for the end of the feud and our victory.”
He paused, glancing at her. Taking in the patient expression and knowing it was likely about to sour. Not that he’d expect different from her at this point.
“The other 3 had been executed already, there was just the leader over it all left. I was his executioner. I didn’t know it before the day he was going to ask but my father called me forward. It was.. somewhat ceremonial. The other leader was given a chance for his last words and I was given the order.”
He’s just a boy-
Cole clenched his jaw for a moment, preparing himself.
Sofila watched the door as he started to talk. Her jaw tightened. She reamined steady. She understood the ending of a long feud but to celebrate in such a way? Ceremonial.
Kark.
She really hated his father. Her head lowered to look at her hands for a moment before rubbing them softly. Sat up straight she rolled her shoulders back as if it was her attempt to roll the anger off of her. To have him, a child no less, be the one to kill the leader. At eight years old. Never did ask Cole what he wanted or raised him different and ask him what he wanted when he wanted to be older.
He’s not raised like I was. I need to remind myself of this.
The silence was thick. She was the one to cut it by clearing her throat and reached over to grasp his hand. “Thank you. You didn’t have to tell me but- Hm. I’m really glad you did. Did anyone … try to stop your father? Graham?” Where was Graham in all of this?
“Why would they? Graham shoved me forward.” The confusion was thick in his voice, hesistating in the moment before asking and then… “Well. I suppose one. The guy himself. When asked for his last words he just said he’s just a boy. I think he was gonna continue but.. Well. Last words. Not speeches.”
Cole quietened, frowning. He’d never spoken about it. It wasn’t significant really. It shouldn’t have been. But he could rememeber those words clearer than the face of the man who’d spoken them.
Sofila sighed softly, “Do you really want me to answer that?” She hestiated. Wondering if he does want her to answer to why she asked that question. At the leader had SOME sense to mention that Cole was just a kid. Course, if Cole was only eight, it was possible Graham wasn’t that much older either.
“I.. well. He answered that question didn’t he.” He laughed slightly but it was a bitter noise. Cole shook his head. “You can answer, if you want to.”
He wasn’t sure he actually wanted to hear it. She’d probably accept if he asked her to stop though, so that was something.
“He did. I mean, for kriff’s sake, Cole!” She felt her emotions were coming to surface again. Kark. No. Not now. She got up and started to pace. “You were eight. A child at that age should be playing with those little wooden things. Or reading. Or climbing trees and jumping off of it as if they were heros and ended up breaking their arm and worrying their parents! I mean, would you want your child to be raised in that kind of environm-” She stopped. Completely froze and looking a bit flabbergasted before she grimaced. She… might have gone too far.
“I’d be dead if it wasn’t for it all. I knew what death was when I first had to face it in combat. It was hard but I would have faltered if I didn’t already know how people looked when they did that close.” Cole’s voice was quiet, low. His gaze had been on her but was now firmly on the door. It was less in his usual watchfulness though. Cole just… found comfort in the habit. The rest of this wasn’t comfortable after all.
Admittedly he’d been 13 when he first had to kill in combat. But.. still. That preparation had saved his ass as far as he was aware.
“But, it’s why I didn’t plan on having any until it was safer. So I could protect them without them needing the lessons I did as early as I did. They’d have still needed to but.. later.”
He hadn’t thought about anything like that since Graham died. It had been a vague dream, having a family. Graham’s death had left him without one and everything collapsed so quickly afterward that… Well. Who even knew at this point.
“I doubt that, Cole. I learned later and I’m fine. If your father gave both of you a chance to choose when you get older, be more prepared-” She scowled softly. “I was taught everything self-defense at young age. I won’t lie about that, but that’s all it was. To make sure we got out and run to Buir or someone that can help us. Then we get to choose as we got older. I’m wanting to do the same to -” She stopped. She almost said our kids.
She pinched the bridge of her nose and rubbed her face. “I need to stop.” She whispered softly. “We were raised differently. And there’s nothing I can do. But Cole, can you answer something for me honestly?” She glanced towards him.
“Every action you have been doing, are they yours or are they what you think your father would approve of? I… I just need to know.”
His gaze snapped back to her. Cole opened his mouth and then closed it, frowning.
The Human looked away, unsettled. Those.. it being asked that way was strange. They so often overlapped. Him looking for his father’s approval didn’t take away from the fact he did those things. By choice. But then…
“Those.. aren’t exclusive from each other. I’ve made my choices. Yes I sought his approval for many of them but they were mine to make. Wanting him to be proud doesn’t..” Cole trailed off, shaking his head, “I’m not entirely sure what you’re asking here Sof. If I’m brainwashed?”
Sofila flinched when his gaze snapped over to her. She thought for certain she had may pushed a button. But his… responses showed that he wasn’t angry. More confused if anything.
Sofila didn’t answer. How can she? She doesn’t understand it herself so she can’t guess or figure out if he had been.
Instead, she shook her head. “Let’s go to sleep.”
“Is that what you think?”
It was barely more than a murmur. Cole had meant it to come out stronger, more accusatory but he was tired and… this stung. He wasn’t sure if he was annoyed with her or not. But it struck him to the core and he hated how he felt all of a sudden.
Weak.
“No! I don’t know. This… is new to me. I-” She exhaled softly, slightly panicking. “I’m not the one to talk to about this. I have no experience or understanding if… this what that is. If it is- - Cole, let’s just forget about this. I’m sorry.” She didn’t want him to spiral down and start doubting himself and every choice he makes.
Forget it? Kriff- she did actually.
He didn’t know what to do. Or say. How does anyone respond to that? How was he supposed to even know if- No. No. His father was a karking evil man but he trained them. He didn’t have the Force, nor did he mistreat them. Never raised a damn hand outside of training or spars. Or that one time Cole tried to fight him.
No.
Cole sighed, shifting to stand and starting to unbutton his shirt so he could sleep. There wasn’t anything he wanted to say. Not that needed saying. She didn’t need to apologise but she’d insist if he said otherwise. Would she even know who to talk to? He didn’t. He didn’t even know who to send her to for help with something a lot less complicated than one’s entire upbringing.
It hadn’t really been that bad had it? Not all kids all grew up that idealisitically? It was a nice dream but surely…
Sofila hated herself right now. Said nothing else, she walked over and grabbed her Beskar dagger and placed it between the bed and the wall in case she needed it. Her blaster stayed on the nightstand for now. Unusual for her since it’s usually put away when she’s home.
She’s not at home right now. Tension and awkwardness was thick in the ass. Kark. She should’ve learned to keep her mouth shut. Took off her pants and her hands went underneath her shirt to remove the bra. Left her shirt and underwear on, she slipped under the sheets. Turned to her side to face Cole, she would leave it up to him if he wants contact tonight or not.
She wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t want it. Ever.
He stripped to his underwear, running a finger across one of the newer scars before shifting to get back into bed, laying on his side. It.. always took him a little while to get used to the new ones. He’d forget it was there and then suddenly see it and remember.
The memory always dimmed before the pink was faded.
He turned toward her, drawing her close without second thought. There were still no words, none that he felt he could share. That would make sense to speak now. But he wasn’t angry. Maybe he should have been but… he didn’t have it in. Not so soon after war. After everything.
Sofila sighed contently as she snuggled up against him and buried her face into his chest and took a deep breath. No more words. At least not tonight.
Karking bastard. He had taken everything she loved and he needed to die. Without any warning, she pinned him on his back and reached over for the beskar dagger and pressed it up against his neck.
Trapped in her dream, everything felt so real. The solid body underneath her. It was real. It had to be real.
There was a cold edge against his neck. Sharp. It bit the skin and Cole was awake in a moment.
His arm reacted on instinct, palm slamming into her wrist and when it didn’t move, fingers wrapping around. He needed to move, now. He couldn’t move to the sides, so in a practised motion shoved himself up with his elbow in an attempt to get clear of the blade, uncaring of it scraping down his throat and chest as he shoved himself upward.
The shock from her wrist travelled up to her arm and the scene in her dream faded and she was in the dark room. Her grip on the dagger loosened in confusion. What just- She felt Cole move underneath her and she was being pushed back slightly. She removed the dagger completely to her side. She was still holding on to the dagger and was still groggy, trying to comprehend what just happened.
She backed off. Cole twisted her wrist, sliding his hand over hers and dragging the blade from her grip, tossing it away from the bed as he got hold of her arms, forcing them backwards, away. It wasn’t a strong grip from him but it was enough she’d lose most of her momentum to strike back. It gave a moment of time to work out what to do next.
Was it all a trick? Was this a nightmare still? Was this still her or had something happened? Why, why?
Sofila cried out in surprise and grimaced. She was fully awake now. Her heart was beating fast and she had a kriffin headache from the sudden deep sleep to a rather intense awakening.
“What the kark!?”
Cole didn’t respond, getting his leg over hers enough to force her backwards. He got her arms in front of her, her wrists in one of his hands as he settled his weight on her chest.
It was too dark to actually tell if the dagger had cut him. The skin felt raw. Hot. It might’ve but he didn’t know if this was safe yet. He stared down at her, expression the same as it had been when executing the stunned mooks of the drug lords on Selen. Waiting to see what she did next.
Sofila grunted and she did not fight back. She knew this was Cole. Had to be Cole. His rough hand held onto her wrists as she grimaced from his weight. She was fighting back the urge to defend herself but she was trying not to make things worse. They both were on high alert. Him more so than her.
“Cole, it’s me. Stop.”
Okay.
“What the kriff was that.” His voice was cold, cautious. This had happened too many times before but never for this long. There had to be something else but it.. he could feel his hands shaking ever so slightly, so let go of her wrists and withdrew. Slowly shifting his weight off of her.
Sofila grimaced at his cold voice. She *hated *that tone. Not that she can blame him. He was moving slowly. It wasn’t a good idea for her to move to turn on the light, yet.
For a while she doesn’t say anything. “You were him. No, not him him but in my dream I was fighting him and it felt so real.”
Really he shouldn’t have felt relief first but Cole did, as selfish as it felt for it after. It was a breath he didn’t know he was holding being released. It was a nightmare. Kriff. He knew she had them but she’d never…
Kriff.
“Its okay.” He said softly, not knowing what to truly say but relaxing his form. Moving more naturally. Shifting to be beside her and settling, not quite laying yet in case she needed to get up but close. “You reacted right, even if it was to a dream. Just glad you didn’t keep going.”
Sofila frowned as she sat up. “W-what?” She muttered. Reached over to turn on the light, she flinched to adjust to the sudden brightness. “Cole, how far did I-”
She stopped when she turned to look at him.
“Kriff.” She snarled at herself mostly. She got up and went to the bathroom while quickly working to get a rag and soap to clean his wounds. Then it dawned on her. She can heal.
“Oh for -” She turned off the water and dropped the rag in the sink as she approached him and her hand gently reaches to heal his neck.
Cole looked down but couldn’t really.. see. When she cursed and got up he raised a hand to the rawness on his throat, feeling it slightly slick. It was just a graze though, or there’d be more blood than that.
Her hand reached for his neck. He grimaced but didn’t flinch away, hand making a fist in the blankets.
“It’s just a graze. I.. assumed the situation was worse than a nightmare.”
Once he healed, she frowned and sat down by him.
“W… what did you think? Cole, I could’ve done so much worse- oh stars.” She started to realize how close the whole situation was. All she had to do was to remember the dream but replace him with Cole.
Kriff.
She doesn’t want to sleep again. She can’t hurt him again. She spilled blood, his blood. By her hands. She started to bite her cheek and rubbed her forearms a bit aggressively subconsciously.
Cole shook his head.
“Not my first time having that happen, except usually they are trying to kill me. You’re okay.” He reached forward, grasping her forearms. The rubbing setting him on edge more than anything else at that point.
Sofila flinched when he grabbed her forearms and she realized what she was doing. Unable to look at him in his eyes, she had her eyes remained on his hands on her forearms.
“You… didn’t answer my question. What did you think?”
“That you were trying to kill me. Sorry. Thought.. that was clearer. I wasn’t trying to dodge that one.” He sighed softly, running his thumbs across her skin.
“You weren’t. Not me, anyway. Someone else. And you’ll get him one day.”
“Oh.” She frowned softly. His movements were calming her down. “You- yea. You did say that I’m just-” She stopped. How can he be so calm after that? She hurt him. It could’ve gone so much worse. She leaned into him and wrapped her arms around him.
“I would never try to kill you.”
Her let her, tensing slightly for a moment before holding her close. Cole could still feel his heart pounding in his chest.
“I’m sorry.” He murmured, raising a hand and slipping it into her hair at the back of her scalp. She kept it curly these days so he couldn’t really run his hand through it, but this felt more intimate than just hugging her normally. “It’ll be okay.”
Cole could feel her starting to relax. Not much but the beginning of it. That was good. She needed the rest.
“Knife is staying on the floor though, yeah? Just for tonight.” He chuckled slightly, heart not fully in it but trying.
Sofila grimaced before she chuckled.
“Yea, that’s fine.”
She exhaled softly and silence filled the air. Both of their heartbeats started to calm down. She still hated herself. What if she executed that move in her dream? What would’ve happened to Cole?
“There’s….” She groaned softly. “Maybe someone that can help. He’s… I hate him. I know hate is such a strong word but my stars-” She paused. She doesn’t want to talk bad about people behind their backs. She rather do it in front of their face. “Anyways, I can… message him and we can go from there. He might be able to help. Do you want to come with me?”
“Sure but.. if you hate him why not pick… anyone else in the clan? Surely there has to be someone you actually like who can help you?”
Cole sounded beyond confused.
“Because I don’t want anyone else to know,” Sofila admitted. “I haven’t seen him in months. I want to know if I improved or not and he’s… direct enough to let me know.” She sighed softly.
“He doesn’t pull back and I hate the way he approaches others. So if you don’t want to come, please don’t. He’s really socially inept… I’m not sure why. But I’ve met his boyfriend and I have to believe that he’s not … that bad. Maybe. I have a strong desire to prove him wrong about me.”
Yet, she sounded uncertain herself. With a slow exhale, “I’ll sleep on it..” She muttered.
“If you hate how he treats others, maybe I shouldn’t be too keen to let you subject yourself to him for the of proving yourself to someone who doesn’t even respect you.” Cole frowned, a bit worried but she finally was starting to settle. They could talk about it when they were both fully awake. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and shift them to be laid down.
Sofila sighed as he had a good point. But she wanted to earn Foxen’s respect.
Would she be able to though?
She doesn’t protest as she shifted along with Cole, made sure they were both comfortable before snuggled up to him. She remained awake for as long as she could. It didn’t take long. His steady breaths. His warmth. His touch. Whether she wanted to or not, she fell back asleep after awhile.
Cole was awake a small while after, the press of the knife against his throat stark. He trusted her to sleep but it was a reminder of the past.
Today had really been a walk down how much the world had cost them.
Eventually though, he fell into his usual discomforted sleep.
Hours passed by. Sofila started to wake up and she remembered she was with Cole so she remained still. At least until he showed signs of waking up. The events of last night was going through her head. Along with her first mission for the House of Qel-Droma. Suns. So many things she would change if she was able. It didn’t matter anymore. She had changed. For the better.
Or so she hoped.
It took a while longer for him to wake, mainly aided bt how long it took him to sleep in the first place. The Human was tense, twitching ever so slightly in sleep on occasion.
There was no large shift when he did wake however, just a soft but sudden inhale. Coles eyes snapped open but he forced himself to remain still, listening even as his eyes looked at what was visible. At least without disturbing Sofila.
After a few seconds he forced his muscles to relax, relief flowing even as his heart still raced. Just a dream.
Her arm around him pulled him a bit closer. Or gave the impression since they were already snuggling.
“Are you okay?” Sofila quietly ask. Her voice soft in case he happened to be still sleeping and she didn’t want to accidently wake him.
He carefully slipped an arm over her, realising she was awake. Cole shifted, even as he was pulled closer, getting comfier while getting a glance around the room before properly settling into a snuggle and nodding.
“Yeah, can barely remember it already.”
“Mmm. That’s good. Can’t we just stay like this? Forever?” Sofila joked, sort of. The idea was nice, but she knew perfectly well that it wasn’t going to happen.
“Id like that.” He responded, content to at least lay there a little longer with her.
Sofila smiled as she had no qualms laying there a bit longer with Cole.
There was a bit of pause.
“You know how there was an issue with me just….jumping in battles very recklessly? Well. Before I met you, I was way worse. I’ve made a choice that…nearly cost a team. I think.”
She sighed softly, “so the guy I was talking about last night, was part of that team. He made it very…clear how stupid it was. I don’t think he’s an ass…okay, he is an ass but honestly? After that stunt I pulled I can’t blame him.” She was still debating to whether ask to meet up with him or not.
Kriff. She rather jump in battlefield again. That was easier.
But it was also running away.
“Ah.” Cole sighed. That made more sense at least. He hadn’t exactly been happy with Sofila on the drug bust when she charged into a melee he was shooting into.
“Well. You’ve stopped doing that, at least.”
He pushed her hair away from her face in a gentle motion.
“Mhmm.” Sofila smiled as he pushed her hair away. She moved to look up and gently stroke his stubble beard and started scratching it softly. This. This was what she liked. No arguments, no little information of their past, just peace and cuddling.
He leaned into her touch, eyes closing for a moment before shifting forward to kiss her forehead and settling back down.
“If you’re going to meet with him, you ought to organise it sooner than later.”
Sofila doesn’t say anything before she sighed and nodded. “Yea. Okay.” Shifted slightly and propped herself up, she kissed Cole on the lips for a moment. Then she rolled over and grabbed her datapad.