Sivall placed one of the boxes from the shuttle on top of the collection of boxes in her new apartment in Port Ol'Val. The newly healed injury to her abdomen complained with a deep burn, causing the Chiss medic to take a deep breath and place her hand over it. She closed her eyes and took a moment to compose herself. Ever since the island, she hadn’t been doing too swell mentally. Alex and Ruka had sensed something was off nearly immediately. Each in their own way had approached her with offers of help or a shoulder to cry on– hypothetically or literally.
But she couldn’t bring herself to talk to either Arconian. Some days she could barely look at them, she felt like she had failed them both on some deep symbolic level.
Time stilled for her as she supported herself on a box, staring at the label on it unblinking. The scenes of the island kept playing in her head– the caxquette, the kid, Alex’s face when he found her. It was like she was reliving it, again and again and again.
When she returned to Estle, she had spent days tiredly working for the Envoy and other Brotherhood organizations. She did whatever she could to not think. She didn’t want to think about the boy’s defiant gaze or the blood she still saw on her hands that wouldn’t scrub off no matter how hard she tried. It felt like that blood was stained into her skin, stained into her soul.
Siv jumped as Zuza entered the apartment with one of the few boxes that held her belongings. The Chiss straightened up and smoothed some non-existent wrinkles from her oversized sweater. She cleared her throat softly, gesturing to the small mound of boxes.
“Right here, Zuza. Thank you again for helping me move.”
Zuza’s injuries from the events of the isle were more notable. Bandages were visible on the side of her neck, pinned in place with medical tape and bulging with padding, descending under her shirt. Still, the small Human balanced the small box she’d managed to convince Sivall to let her carry, carefully placing it amongst the pile.
It was hard not to notice the jump from the Chiss. Hard to not see the way she’d been staring off into the far distance of a label. Not reading it and instead seeing something else. It was a gaze she’d seen in the mirror, seen from her friends. Family.
“Any time Siv,” She spoke softly, her smile in place as always, despite the bags shadowing under her eyes, “Port Ol'Vals a good place. Easy access to the Voidbreaker, and anywhere else in the Galaxy. Make sure you come home every so often though, yeah?”
“Yeah…” She responded. She planned on making trips to Selen and Estle frequently.
A frown worked it’s way onto Siv’s face and she took a second to fuss around Zuza’s bandages, making sure they hadn’t come loose or that they didn’t need changed.
It was moments like this that she felt the most guilt. She had been one of the lucky few to make it off the island mostly unscathed, so what right did she have to complain? But a part of her knew she needed to talk to someone. She couldn’t sleep, and when she did drift off (mostly by accident) all she saw was the tiny boy’s lifeless face staring back at her.
After she was content with the integrity of Zuza’s bandages, she moved away and sat on one of the more sturdy boxes. Zuza wouldn’t be angry at her… right? Siv summoned some courage up from deep inside her with a deep breath, then looked up at her former battlemaster.
“Can… Can I talk to you about something? Something that happened on Tekpantli?” A frown was still firmly fixed on her face, her eyebrows creased together. “I-I understand if you don’t have the mental capacity for it right now, but I.. I don’t have anyone else to turn to…”
Which was both truth and lie.
Ruka would happily let her vent to him, but she couldn’t bare to see him disappointed or angry. The thought of it alone made her stomach lurch. And Alexandyr… Alex was off somewhere, doing Alex things. The last thing she wanted was to burden him with her problems— especially with him having family issues.
Zuza had scoffed at the fussing, pouting but putting up minimal actual fuss as Siv ensured her bandages were right. But, she still smiled even if it was as much amusement at what she felt unnecessary worrying than at being around one of her first crew members. Well. Probably equally.
It quickly faded to concern, brown eyes filled with worry. It had been obvious something had happened, and that Sivall felt she had no one….
Zuza knew she had people. But she also knew the struggle of trying to reach out.
The Human sat beside Siv, putting them on equal footing and meeting the Chiss’ gaze. Any of her own issues were swept aside, brown eyes glancing over Siv as she responded in a soft tone, “I’ve got capacity for you. Take your time..”
The Chiss gave a half smile, looking to the Human beside her. She was lucky to have friends like this. Siv looked away again, trying to formulate the best way of putting what happened without sounding absolutely nuts.
“I… made a mistake.” Sivall swallowed hard, twining her fingers together tightly in her lap. “I was hunting one of those beasts, a caxquette? But I didn’t realize that it… that…”
She paused, closing her eyes. Her fingers tightened more and her face scrunched up.
“There was a little one. I don’t know if he was communicating with the beast or not. I didn’t even notice even notice him. He must have been hiding.” The medic took a deep, shaking breath before continuing. Her eyes stayed shut, the scene playing out like a movie behind her eyelids. Eidetic memory was a curse.
“I went to bring the caxquette down, but the boy jumped in the way…”
It sounded worse speaking it out loud. She should have known, should have seen the boy, should have sensed him nearby— but she hadn’t. Her chest felt tight, her mind was whirling. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Zuza.
“I ran him through…” She whispered, tears burning at her eyes.
She hadn’t expected that. A burning body stuck with mando-armour came to her mind. Jet, with empty eyes. Dead to the world in his heart. That…
That was a shadow on her shoulder.
If it had been him? Kriff-
Zuza shifted, and pulled Sivall into a tight hug. She knew the Chiss wasn’t used to such things but what could she even say? There wasn’t.. anything she could think of. Ruka would know, but Zuza now knew why Sivall hadn’t gone to him. Not yet, anyway.
The Human gave a soft squeeze.
Sivall melted into Zuza, the dam of tears breaking. The Chiss carefully wrapped her arms around Zuza, being careful of her recent injuries. She was careful not to squeeze or place too much weight on the small Human. She was so tired of being strong, of keeping up appearances. She didn’t want to burden the rollmaster with her problems but they were too heavy to carry on her own. A soft sob broke her and Zuza’s silence.
“I tried to heal him but he didn’t let me… Why didn’t he let me? He was so small…” She wasn’t really asking Zuza, or anyone really. She knew the fellow Arconian might not have the answer, but all the same it felt like a weight off her chest to get those words out. It felt like they had been choking her since Tekpantli.
“I could have saved him. I could have. I know I could have.” Suffer, like we have. The words echoed emptily. The boy had gotten his dying wish.
Zuza started rubbing circles in Siv’s back, staying in place for her.
She spoke softly, there was only so much certainty her words could hold but maybe they could help. Having something of a reason to hold onto, rather than mists of the unknown.
“The fact you tried, says more of you than what happened. Its awful, but you didn’t mean to. You tried to fix it.. That’s more than many would have done.” She paused before letting a soft sigh to continue, “As to Why? Well… they didn’t trust us Siv. It’s.. sometimes it can be as simple as that.”
Zuza let it hang in the air, continuing the gentle circles on Siv’s back. She didn’t want to go on too long, but at the same time bearing the guilt of killing someone you didn’t mean to?
She knew that pain.
Siv let herself have a few more selfish moments of comfort before she pulled herself from Zuza’s embrace, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. Despite her attempts to will them to stop, the tears kept coming.
“You should see the way they looked at me… the Selenians. I-I’m not a murderer!” The medic took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. “I heal… I’m supposed to be a healer…” The last part was a whisper, as if she was trying to remind herself of that fact.
These hands will heal more than they harm.
That was the promise she had made to herself after Alex had saved her. That she would help, help anyone and everyone.
“You are more than just one part. Bad things happen. They come and.. they make their way into you.” Zuza spoke firmly, letting Siv pull back but maintaining the general closeness.
She continued, in a voice filled with certainty.
“They stay with you. They don’t have to make you into a different person though. You just gotta give it some room, learn by it, but you gotta stay you as well. You are a healer. And you’re Sivall.”
“I’m Sivall,” she repeated, looking down at the floor. The tears had slowed by now leaving her eyes dry and burning. Zuza was right— she was herself. Despite everything that had happened she was still her. Even if people couldn’t see that right now.
She let out a soft sigh, the sorrowful expression on her features being swapped for an exhausted one.
“I wish I had never gone to that kriffing island…” she mumbled softly, picking at the chipping black paint on her nails. “All I wanted to do was protect my friends and family… And now I feel like I’ve not only let them down, and messed up an entire diplomatic connection, but I might have lost some of them too…”
The paint picking intensified.
“Alex left with his family as soon as he could,” running away from me, again, “…. A-And I’m too scared to talk to Ruka, too scared to see how he looks at me now. Zuji too— somethings changed there.” Her jaw set as she fought back more tears.
“Everything’s changing. I don’t want it to. I want to go back.”
Zuza wanted to tell her it’d be okay. That she’d feel normal again someday. That the changing would stop.
She couldn’t lie.
“You can’t.” Her voice was soft, hollowed out by her own fall down the same well before steadying once more, “But the thing is.. is well, it’ll change again. So will how everyone looks at you. So will how you look at you. It’s always changin’ Siv. Ruka… well he didn’t let me near the kids for a while once, after a mission. But he was still there. Things healed. And I meant to do what he judged me for. I dunno much about Zuji, but Ruka won’t turn you away. He’ll look right through you and he’ll know. He might hate what happened, but he’ll understand you didn’t mean to. He’ll know. Should imagine Zuji would too, really.”
The Human paused, considering, “We all have ghosts that follow us.”
The Chiss’s shoulders relaxed a little and the picking ceased. Although the idea that Ruka might keep him from seeing the kids broke her heart, there was a silent assurance that it would be temporary. That was good enough for her.
Sivall looked sideways at Zuza and smiled softly. “Thank you, Z… It’s nice to know that even though I’m not in Corps anymore, you still have my back.”
“You may not be one of my recruits anymore, but we’re still Arconan. May not family to everyone in the clan, but it is to a damn good lot of us.” Zuza smiled, letting the space between them grow a little. “You have my comm codes, and Selen ain’t ever too far from Ol'val. You need me, no matter what it is, you call me yeah?”
“Yeah,” she replied softly, then got up from her box. She felt a bit better now with Zuza’s encouragement. The word “family” felt right, fit better than it did with the Grants or with her birth parents. Family. Wanted.
Sivall took a deep breath and turned to Zuza, deciding to be brave for once. “I um… I-If you don’t feel like heading back to Selen right away, you can stay for a bit. I dont have any groceries just yet but we can order takeout and find something to do? I was recommended some really questionably cheesy movies by someone in the Shadow Academy. ‘A crime against good taste’ that I hadn’t watched them, they said.”
Zuza smiled, “A crime against good taste sounds like exactly what we need right now. You wanna find the holovid while I check who’s open, theres this really cool blue noodle place that does crazy things with the combos…”