It had been a long journey home to Ol'Val but quiet enough. It was a relief to step back into the relative quiet of Sofila’s apartment, the Mirilan herself making haste for the shower as Cole headed into the kitchen. He wasn’t exactly hungry, but the travel had been long and something light was desirable. Hed finished preparing the fruits by the time she emerged from the shower, dressed in comfortable clothes and dramatically sitting herself onto the couch. With a smile of amusement, Cole joined her, placing the bowl between them.
“See, meeting my family wasn’t so bad.” Sofila commented, taking a bite of the sliced fruit.
Cole started to shake his head but… watching her for a moment something clicked. Itd be somewhat off topic but, it reminded him of what had occurred early into the dinner.
“Why did you lie about why you aren’t eating as much? I’ve never seen you eat as much as Asani claimed you used to.”
Sofila winced. So he knew. Kriff. He was reading her too easily. She swallowed the fruit.
“It’s just a fib, Cole. I didn’t want to worry them, that’s all.” She knew exactly when she started to eat less. So she quickly slightly changed the topic, “Besides, we weren’t really going steady during that time.” She picked up another slice of fruit and leaned to Cole with a smile, “Open up.”
“So then what’s the truth?”
Cole didn’t open his mouth enough for the fruit slice, watching her with a careful gaze.
Sofila scoffed silently as she placed the fruit back into the bowl. She was keeping her anger down and leaned back.
“Come on, Cole. We had a … decent dinner. Buir, both of them, loved you. Can we just not-” She exhaled sharply.
“Not what? I’m asking a question, Sof, not accusing you of anything.” He paused for a moment before sighing and leaning back into the cushion.
If anything, her reaction was just making him more concerned. It was a simple question and to say she got this pissed whenever he hadn’t mentioned something to her, it was really getting aggravating that any time he questioned her she got ready to snap at him. Espeically considering how much her questions were more so interrogations,
Sofila shook her head for a moment and brought her hands to her face. She started to rub her face as she exhaled slowly and placed her hands back on her lap.
“I haven’t eaten the same amount that my family remembers since the first Envoy Mission. But it’s not like I’m not eating at all or anything.”
“You’re a healthy weight still. Changes in behaviour are normal after kark like that but… not normal either. If you’re healthy and happy, then there’s no loss.” Cole spoke, clinically but still concerned.
Sofila glanced down at her hands. Happy. She was happy. Especially around him. Sure, she had her moments with the anger but she was happy. In a way.
Healthy? Now that, she wasn’t sure. Her weight hasn’t dropped or gained that she knows of. Maybe she was suppose to gain? Sofila hasn’t been to any medics for a while. But she would assumed that she was healthy.
No loss? That was the hardest part. She cleared her throat and reach for the fruit and took a bite to avoid the general topic. Maybe with Cole watching her eat the fruit would have him be reassured that she’s fine. She desperately wanted to say that she was fine but ever since last time she tried it and he caught her lying, it did not go well.
Not going to make the same mistake twice.
Cole just sighed. He knew she wasn’t fine, and now he knew there’d been a behavioural switch… it worried him.
He didn’t know what to do, how to tread. But he picked up a piece himself, looking down at it contemplatively.
The silence. Kark, she hated the quiet. Sure, there was the muffled sounds of the busy street outside but it was barely noticable. It occurred to her that she had lived here long enough that she didn’t even notice it until she paid attention to it or seek it out.
She hated it even more when Cole was quiet. He was always quiet but this… didn’t feel like his usual kind of stillness.
“… What is it?” Sofila asked softly.
“You just worry me sometimes Sof. I know I worry you too and can’t say much but…” Cole shrugged. There wasn’t much more to say than that.
“I….” Sofila was so mad now. Not at him. Not at her family. But at herself.
“I don’t want you to worry about me. I want you to be able to relax and be happy around me. Kark.” Sofila started to grind her teeth a bit.
“I’m doing a really kist job of it.” She would make it up. She doesn’t know but she would find a way. Cole’s birthday was coming up maybe… she could plan something. Part of her was concerned that they may have another mission but… she’ll figure it out. She turned to face him with a guilty and sad expression.
“I’m so sorry, Cole. I’ll- I’ll try not to worry you…”
“No don’t- karking stars don’t hide things from me. Or lie to me to not worry me. I’d rather know I should be worrying than find you under a desk or somewhere clawing your arms apart.”
He had stiffened, watching her very carefully. Almost fearfully. He didn’t want to deal with losing her. He couldn’t lose her. This kriff kept making him wonder when he would.
“Wait, what? No, I-” She abruptly stopped when he brought up about her clawing her arms.
“That’s unfair.” They weren’t even a thing. Yes, she developed feelings for him but he hasn’t for her, not yet. Not at that point. She thinks… Kriffing stars. Unless he did develop- no. And she was under a lot of trauma stress then. She grimaced. Her hands rubbing her arms in reaction, reminding her that she can feel. That she’s alive.
“I am better about a lot of things, I used to harm myself a lot when I was younger, that’s how I got good at healing. Cole, I don’t intentionally hide things from you- kark, that portion eating thing was to hide from my family not you- I told you the truth. I can’t get better if I don’t know what I am doing wrong.” She was trying to reassure him that she wouldn’t go off the deep end like she used to. And that she’s trying. She just needs help, besides the little fib she gave to her family.
Unknowingly her blurt may have opened up a can of rotworms.
That’s how I got good at healing.
Cole felt sick. Had it been practise, or her just hiding the damage she’d done to herself from her family? A twisted paranoid part of him wondered how often she’d hidden similar damage from him but she’d said younger.
He put the slice of fruit back into the bowl.
She’d been seeking help. Marick, Foxen and Ruka. From him. As little good as it did. “You are getting better, I know that. I just…” Cole shook his head, unable to meet her eye, “I’m going to worry. Like you worry about me.”
He… wasn’t wrong. She had been worried about him. And she wasn’t going to stop. Kark. Who knew giving someone your heart and loving them with every inch of your being would be so exciting and painful at the same time?
Lately, it seemed to be the latter than the former. She would need to change something.
“Okay.”
Sofila reached out but she quickly withdrew her hand. Instead, she grabbed the bowl and placed it on the coffee table.
“…. Can I hold your hand?”
Cole had watched the movement, icy eyes glancing up to meet hers. It was an instinct for him, to meter his facial expression and let nothing show but he allowed it to soften for once. Neutral, but present. He nodded, holding his hand out with the palm up toward hers.
The lines of scars were visible, laid out like that. His palm criss crossed with the lines of blades cutting across. Better a hand than a face, better to never get caught.
Sofila gave him a small smile as she grasped his hand for a moment and placed his hand over her heart.
“I know I had been angry. I know I’ve been different and difficult since the… mission and I’m so sorry if that’s the woman you wanted, the me before that mission, and not this…” She gently reached up and cupped his face with her hand and gently stroked it with her thumb.
“I am trying. I will keep trying. I want her back myself, Cole. I’m sorry that-” She frowned and lowered her hand before removing his hand and holding it. She couldn’t look at him in the eye anymore, her eyes were sorely focused on their hands.
“I’ve been so uncertain for weeks. About everything. My job, my anger, the increase in nightmares, my life… everything but you? You’re my stability. I… I don’t know what to do without you, Cole, and I am so sorry I am such a karkin’ mess but you- I want to work better for you and me. Both of us.”
“You are that woman Sof.” Cole said softly, “Nothings gone from before.” He watched her carefully, squeezing her hand once she entwined their fingers together. Even as Sofila tried to avert her eyes, his remained on hers.
“You’re just hurting but you’re strong. I just want to make sure I know what’s going on cause… well. I meant it, when I said I needed you.”
He raised the other hand, holding her cheek in a gentle but firm grip.
Was she the same woman really? Things were so different then. Or maybe it was part of growing up. Her job. Not running head first into battles anymore. She leaned into his hand with a relaxed expression on her face. She knows. Suns, they needed each other. Her eyes went up to meet with his as she laughed softly.
“We’re just one big karkin’ mess, aren’t we?” Sofila slightly grinned as she rose her free hand and grasped the one that was on her cheek. She held it for a moment and kissed the palm of his hand before turning her head back to look at him.
“Something like that.” Cole commented, a slight smile curving his lips as he shifted the hand holding hers to pull her closer into a hug.
Sofila doesn’t hesitate as she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him in a hug. Her body started to relax in his arms.
The pair arrived to packages outside of the door. Cole, who was tired, managed to convivence the also sleepy Sofila to wait until the next day to open the boxes and decorate the apartment with Life Day lights. Several minutes of pouting ensured, but she complied.
Next morning
Sofila grumbled grumpily into the pillow as she started to stir. She did not want to get up. Instead, she scooted closer to Cole for his touch and his body warmth. The apartment was comfortable but after having to deal with that blizzard… Sofila was very much grateful for the comfortable temperatures. Groggy and still waking up, it didn’t cross her mind that she was going to decorate the apartment just yet.
<@432543120635461643>
Cole for once was just as cuddly, wrapping around her and half laid on her. While the cold hadn’t gotten through to him, it was a stark reminder of a time it very much did.
He was vaguely awake, though no more keen to get up after the events of the previous day than Sofila was.
Sofila sleepily smiled and wrapped her arms around him. Her eyelids remained closed. She let out a soft content hum.
“I still say we should stay like this forever.”
Everything was peaceful and quiet until-
“OH!” She exclaimed, excited as she gently let go and sat up. Her curly hair in many different directions. She looked like she went through a ride on a ship without any windows.
“The lights! Cole! I cannot wait to decorate!” She got up on the bed and started to jump on the mattress a bit, her energy starting to match the wilderness of her hair. Then she landed by Cole, careful not to hurt him.
She leaned down, quickly pecked on his lips, “Morninloveyougonnagodecorate!” And with that, she zoomed out to the living room.
The exclaimation had woken him up more than anything, Cole beginning to sit up as she sat up straight, looking around, jumping-
Up and on the mattress.
He managed to reign in the sweep of the room for danger and settled on not getting pulled into the centre of the bouncing, avoiding her legs, his heart beating too rapidly to consider the amusement of the situation.
A peck on the lips and she was gone.
Cole sat half up, leaning his weight on his elbow for a few seconds. His eyes glanced over the room, just in case he had missed something but no, it was okay.
It was okay.
He lowered himself back down and pressed his face into the pillow to try and regulate his breathing before she came back in.
Sofila made her way to the kitchen and got out an everyday use knife and started to opening the packages. Then it clicked with her, music! She grabbed her datapad and started to scroll- wait. Caf. For Cole.
The Mirialan found herself back into the kitchen and turned on the caf maker before going back to the living room. She made sure the music wasn’t too loud as she set it down on the table and hummed along while discarding the boxes and getting the lights out and ready.
It wasn’t long before the scent of caf made its way into the bedroom. The music itself had been notable, though not annoying in anyway. It all just seemed rather random. He knew people decorated for life day but this much excitement for it seemed.. odd?
By the time the smell was strong enough that the pot had to be done, Cole had got himself calmed down enough to face being active, rolling out of bed and pulling on a loose vest and a pair of shorts before heading out, carefuly to avoid stepping on anything as he headed for the kitchen.
“Morning.”
Sofila grinned at hearing Cole, turning to look at him. She still had made no attempts to tame her bushy hair.
“Morning! Hiya!” Then picked up the packages and set them to a corner where she can throw them away later, they were too big to be shoved into the trashcan. First things first, she started to put up little cute village like with snow and trains on the shelves.
Cole looked over the village but didn’t linger, stepping into the kitchen and pouring himself a cup of caf. Sipping it, he turned back, coming to the doorway and leaning against it to watch. She was having fun at least.
Sofila hummed along to the music and was wondering where Cole was. She looked over her shoulder and grinned before focusing back.
“I know it looks like nothing right now but when we turn off the lights and turn these on, well, it almost seems magical! As if you are right there! Course, it takes a bit of imagination- but yea! Don’t worry, I won’t decorate our room, we would need sleep! In fact, when Buir decorates, sometimes I would sneak out of my room and go to the living room and just… look at the lights.” Sofila finished the village. Perfect! Now she needed to add the lights. Her pink hues glanced at the room and trying to think how to do it. Should she put it around the window? The edges of the wall?
“We should do that tonight! Just cuddling on the couch, with a hot drink, and looking at the lights. Maybe a holofilm.”
Cole crossed over, settling onto the couch.
“Sure but.. this is a lot. For one day, isn’t it?” He spoke with cautious curiosity, not wanting to discourage her but… well. This was strange to him.
“Hm?” Sofila blinked and shook her head.
“Nope. It’s the leading up to it that makes the day more awesome. Yes, it’s celebrated for one day but… nothing wrong with getting in the mood. To try to be cheery and remember that spending time with another is coming up. You know-” Her voice changed at the end, sounding more mischievous and slightly teasing.
“Think of it like foreplay. The longer the foreplay goes, the better the- mmmm” She waggles her eyebrows at Cole.
“This year it will be two of us though!” She went to the kitchen and picked up the bench and made her way over to the window. She picked the multi-colored fairy lights. But first, she needed to get the hooks up. Her family had their own thing, especially with the recent move to the system and her siblings had others. So it was just going to be Sofila and Cole, and that was okay.
She was going to make the best of it for them. Her anger was not going to get in the way this time.
“Ah, right.” Cole commented, still a touch confused but, well, he supposed it made sense. It was just new.
He sipped the caf again, “So, you do this every year?”
“Yep! I do this with Buir and my siblings and now-” She set the bench down and got up on it. She started to put in the hooks. She suddenly stopped. Wait. What if Cole didn’t want this? She… never did ask. What if they celebrate something else? Kark. What do they even celebrate?
“Is… all this okay? Am I overwhelming you? I can do less decorations or something.”
“No- its okay. Its your apartment if nothing else Sofila. I just.. haven’t before. Not sure how this all works.” He gestured vaguely at the boxes of lights.
Hopefully, our apartment sometime.
“It brings colors, brightness, and I dunno. Just theme of the holiday, into people’s home I guess. Lights make people happy for some reason, especially when they have different colors.” Sofila never really thought for symbolism or meaning. Just, pretty lights for her to look at. She glanced over her shoulder to Cole for a moment and then back to the wall. At least, she can have something to look at when he returns to the Voidbreaker II. She started to hang the lights.
“Enjoying the view?” She joked.
“Well, I guess I’ll see then.” Cole commented initially. It didn’t make much sense to him but he’d never done it before either. It felt odd.. to consider that. This was a day off to him, not a celebration particularly. But then others had left to celebrate it on those days, that was why it so often was time off.
A slight smirk crossed his face despite that at her comment.
“I’m enjoying a view.”
The view being her, rather than her decor.
“Well, it will be better once we light-” Then it clicked as she laughed, looked over her shoulder back to him for a moment.
“You got me.” She giggled before focusing back on hanging them. Once done with decorations, she dusted off her hands and picked up the bench to put it back.
“Now we wait till tonight.” She gently sat down on the couch by Cole, being careful since he had a mug of hot caf in his hands.
“Well I had to considering you got me yesterday. Loosened that door right up.” Cole didn’t look directly at her, just glancing barely toward her as he took another sip.
“Oh come on!” Sofila whined as she pouted playfully, she started to turn. Her leg was bent on the couch and the other foot touching the floor so she could face him fully.
“I totally did loosen that door for you! I just…. lost my grip and slipped. That’s all!” Sofila grumbled, remembering well that she slipped forward. Thank kark for the sturdiness of helmets.
“Mhm.” Cole hummed agreeably, though the mischief in his gaze didn’t fade.
He took another good glug of caf before placing the cup on the coffee table and leaning back into the couch.
Sofila squinted at him. She leaned over and gave him a peck on his cheek.
“Speaking of that blizzard.. I’m really proud of you! You held my hand despite all that people in the crowded shelter.” Sofila’s smile changed into more of a warm one. He had made so much progress and she wanted him to know that she was so karkin’ proud of him.
Cole paused in pause, the mischief dropping. Oh.
“I.. didn’t want to lose sight of you.” He commented softly. Was that the same as just holding her hand? He doubted it. Kark. Should he have told her? Probably. He didn’t know.
Sofila’s facial expression changed to realization. Oh. It … wasn’t affection or comfort. It was more of him not wanting to lose sight of her. Was it for him or her? Maybe both?
Still. It was progress. Right? She did a half hearted shrug.
“It can still be part of progress. Can change the thinking a bit! But yea. It’s.. something. Speaking of which, since we are having this discussion… are you okay with me calling you my boyfriend or you rather… I don’t say anything?” Sofila had been confused ever since she caught his slight tension when she announced it at the festival. Did… he not want anyone to know?
He felt somewhat guilty still but well, if it was progress then sure.
Cole rubbed the back of his neck at the mention of the festival, “Among allies is fine just.. Its accurate.”
But it was a risk. Or.. Well they thought he was dead but still-
“I’m okay with you calling me that.” The exception note of but not in public sat on the tip of his tongue but he didn’t want her to feel like he wanted to hide the connection. He just- it was a risk. For her more than anything.
Sofila’s shoulders dropped with relief when he brought up that he was fine with her calling him that. She was so worried that she found herself in an unhealthy relationship. She had heard stories of couples that they were not to let people know they were dating cause one of them was controlling.
Cole was anything but.
She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek softly with a smile. Then her stomach growled.
“Okay. I can… try to make breakfast. Whatcha want?” Sofila asked nervously as she got up and started to make her way into the kitchen. She got this. She can punch people and take them down. Jump off of high heights.
How hard was simple cooking really?
“Whatever you’re having.” Cole called, listening as she started fussing around the kitchen. He was mildly concerned but she’d never learn to cook if she never tried.
And he was right here if something went wrong.
Whatever she’s having. Well. Kark. Why was it up to her? She opened the fridge and saw the eggs. Eggs! She can do that one. And bacon. Yes. Okay. Simple. Ooh! Toasts. Right. She started to gather the eggs and bacon and placed them on the island. Forgetting to close the fridge door, she made her way to the pantry and got the bread. Then she saw the fridge door being open. Kriff. Off of a good start. She closed it by gently pushing it with her foot. Right!
Sofila frowned watching the eggs. When should she move them? Should she move them? She mixed them in the bowl… which was correct. Then onto the pan. She remembered Buir saying something something don’t move the eggs too much something something it’ll help them get fluffy.
Wait. Was it to push around a lot and ite’ll be fluffy? Okay.
Well, she tried.
“Breakfast is ready, I think.” Sofila frowned at the not so fluffy eggs, slightly burnt bacon but the toast was the only thing that looks right.
Thank goodness for toasters.
Cole had been paying attention but other than slight flutters of panic it sounded like Sofila had handled herself fine. He’d taken the time to finish his caf, bringing the empty mug with him and slipping it into the sink as he looked over the plates.
It wasn’t perfect but to say she was only just learning it was a good start.
“Yeah that looks ready. Thank you.” He smiled, picking up a plate and a fork.
Sofila nervously watches Cole.
“I don’t know. The eggs aren’t fluffy how Buir makes them. And I think I forgot to add spices….” She poked the eggs around with her fork and not seeing any spices as she sighed.
“And your Buir has been cooking for a long time.” Cole pointed out, “You forgot this time. Next time you might add to much. Then you’ll add too little. Eventually you’ll work it out.”
He shrugged, poking a chunk of egg and eating it pointedly.
“Fair enough.” She eats the eggs and made a face. Plain, but… it was food. She was still gonna buy frozen stuff and heat them up when Cole wasn’t here cause kark. Then she poke another egg and saw a slightly browned area, she almost burnt the eggs.
It was fine.
She got this.
“I’ll be back!” Sofila pecked Cole on the lips quickly and grabbed two gym bags and had a backpack. All full of presents.
“Love you!” She struggled a bit with the door but then laughed at herself as she put the straps of the bag into her other hand, now carrying the bags in one hand and easily opened the door with the other. She closed it behind her with a soft click.
Cole had smiled slightly after her, one hand on his hip and the other on the back of a chair as he watched the hasty departure. She was off to give a bunch of kids at the orphanages around Selen presents, as well as friends and such. The apartment was alight with fairy lights, twinkling in what little morning light they recieved on Ol'Val. There was speed transports occuring so she could travel that far and hopefully be back before it was only the lights of the port that gave their windows a backdrop.
A tiny train circling the life-day decorated village made another sweep around.
His smile dimmed before he shook his head and made way into the kitchen. Over the last couple weeks of Sofila talking about celebrations her family normally had he’d put together that usually there’s a big spread of food. He wouldn’t be excessive but Cole wanted to cook for her. To put effort in.
And so he did. Even as what little holiday spirit he’d built up drained in the face of facts that this was the normal. This is what everyone back home had left the compound for each year. To give gifts, spend time with their families. Enjoy silly little lights and figures. It wasn’t just a day off, it was a celebration. In some ways Cole had known that for years but now he was surrounded by it. He could see it every where in the lights reflecting off of the metallic cabinets in the kitchen. In the scent and taste of the air, full of food and other scents that leaked in from diffusers in the main room. Even in the tiny chugging of the train and the music Sofila had left playing softly in the living room.
The meal came together just fine. It was fine. It was busy and messy but came together. The bantha meat was taking longer than expected but other than too much time to think it was ok.
It had been necessary. To not do this. Somehow it must have been necessary and it was fine.
Sofila stepped in and smiled happily. Kark. The food smells great.
“Karkin’ suns, Cole, the food smells phenomenal.” She set the bags down and looked around the living room, he wasn’t here. So she stepped into the kitchen. She approached and wrapped her arms around his torso to hug him from behind and gave a small kiss on his shoulder.
“Hi.”
He turned his head toward her slightly, snapped from his thoughts but at least he’d heard the door. He kissed the side of her head and turned to face forward again, doing his best to conceal the pain of his thoughts.
“Hey.”
Sofila brows furrowed slightly as she can feel his tension. It wasn’t the tension that was abnormal, Cole had been tensed around her sometimes. But… his voice. She paused for a moment, her arms still around him as her face was gently pressed into his shoulder while thinking.
“Are you okay?” Sofila quietly asked.
He kicked back the instinct to ask why, rather than answering directly. Cole chewed on the question for a moment, staring at the oven as if he was actually paying attention to it. He wasn’t, but it was something to do at least.
“Nothing happened.” It was close enough. It was an answer, but hopefully a small enough one he didn’t spoil her day. She hated his father enough without him giving some backwards perspective story on that. He’d never asked, there would have been a good reason.
“How did it go out there?”
“It went good.” Sofila withdrew her hands. She had been with him long enough to notice the topic change. Nothing happened. But why- Sofila sighed softly.
“Anything I can do to help?” She can try to pull it out later or… during. Something.
“I.. don’t think so.” Cole admitted, knowing he was also in fact admitting he wasn’t okay but it felt easier this way. Less direct. She could move on if she wanted.
“Its silly.” He added on after a moment before turning to face her, wrapping his arms around her.
Sofila was a bit surprised on the hug but she pulled him in without hesitation. This was Cole. She needed to remind herself that sometimes, it’s best just ask little things and he talks.
“What’s silly?” Sofila asked while kissed the side of his head before stroking his hair gently with her fingers and the other arm kept him close.
He shrugged, closing his eyes for a moment at her touch before refocusing. Considering. How much could be said or not?
“Its my first life day, in a way. Its just weird is all. Like I said, nothing.” And yet he was hugging her.
Cole pulled away, regretful the moment he did but shame fuelling the decision. All the hug had done was confirm something was wrong. When it shouldn’t be wrong at all. He wanted her to enjoy tonight, kriffing dammit.
First… life day? In a way? What the kriff? Did his father seriously did not let them be children? To enjoy the day? The food, the family gathering the- Kark. At least the asshole was dead. Cole.. really never really experienced the joy Life Day could bring.
He started to pull away. She held on tighter.
“A bit longer,” Sofila begged slightly. Kriff. She needed this and he might too.
Cole tensed at the grip initially, frowning. It- well. If she wanted it then it was different.
“Okay.”
He shifted back, pulling her closer for her sake. A hand reaching up the back of her neck, fingers lacing into her hair. It was okay. She wanted it. It just also happened that he liked it too. Added benefit but not the cause. Kark he was acting stupid. This was ridiculous, it was just a stupid day. Get over yourself, it had to be done. Enjoy it now thst you have thst freedom. Unlike everyone else.
Sofila exhaled softly and eventually lets him go. He was cooking after all. She gave him a reassuring smile with a nod.
She went over to the bench at the table and sat down, facing him.
“So… did-” She stopped herself. How to approach this? Kark.
“Did your dad not celebrate cause he didn’t believe in it or was it his religion or….” Sofila trailed off, hoping he would answer.
He was reluctant to let go but didn’t let himself hesitate. After a moment Cole shrugged, moving to take the meat out of the oven as he considered it. He placed the tray onto a heat proof section of the counter, placing the towel hed used to the side and turning back to face her.
“I never asked. We just didn’t do it. We got the day off if we wanted it, the compound was usually low on people anyway.”
Sofila glanced down and away. She looked to the direction where the living room was. She… didn’t realize how all this could’ve been overwhelming. Kriff. She should’ve taken things slower. Asked.
Why was so she karkin’ selfish?
“Sorry if I overwhelmed you… I can tone it down next year if you want me to.” Sofila gave him a small smile.
The asshole was dead. She was in a good mood so she wasn’t going to get angry over him. This time. She got up from the bench and smiled at the food.
“I really meant it when I said this all looks karkin’ good, holy suns, Cole.”
“No you didn’t.” Cole said hurriedly. Itd be stupid for her to curb her enjoying a holiday just because.. what, he hadng done it properly before? No, that was dumb. He was fine. For her.
Cole just smiled back at the compliment, “Thank you. It.. took a while but it looks like its going to be worth it. We should have some left overs too.”
She didn’t. That… was good. He wouldn’t lie to her. She felt relieved but she would try to be more careful and mindful next year. Maybe he just needed time. To get used to this. Sofila nodded in agreement at Cole mention of leftovers as she playfully grinned.
Sofila lets out a small soft hum as she gently grasped Cole’s pants and pulled her towards her gently, “That’s good,” she held him in place with a mischievous smirk.
“Cause I got ideas for dessert later~” Sofila leaned in and kissed him before pulling away and started to grab plates and silverware for them.
She didn’t make far, Cole grasping her side and pulling her back for another kiss. Just because he had to lean up didn’t mean she could just get away with acting like that. It was a rough kiss, lingering before he pulled away from her himself.
And just like that, it all felt a little brighter. Even if it was a joke, though it likely wasn’t, he was happy with her just.. being her. Here.
He let her go without a word, glancing over Sofila for a moment before turning back to thr food and getting the meat carved off of the bone so it could be served.
Sofila gasped softly and she smiled in the kiss, she got exactly what she wanted. When he pulled away, her eyes playfully narrowed at him.
“Really looking forward to the dessert now.” She started to get the sides on the plates for both of them and then set the plates by the meat so Cole can easily place them onto the plate.
“Speaking of dessert….” His birthday was coming up. She needed to plan now. She already booked the location cause kriff, the spots get filled up fast but she needed to know his favorite flavor.
“What’s your favorite pastry? And what flavor?”
“Uh..” Cole blanked initially. He so rarely bothered with dessert. It had been easy with Sofila, sweet fruit stuffs. Even if she doesn’t go for fruits typically, then being sugary was no off put for her.
But for himself? He liked what he’d made but a favourite?
The confusion was visible in his features, rubbing the back of his neck as he mulled over the options.
Well, there was one. It was kind of a pain to make but relatively simple once done so.
“Those uh, eclair things?”
Sofila was surprised at the pause. He… does… did they not make favorite foods on birthday? Kriff. She needed to find out his favorite meal too, somehow. And cook it without burning it. Or too much flavor. Or too little. That was something for her to figure out at a latter time.
“Okay!” She kept that in mind.
Eclair. Eclair. Eclair. Eclair. Eclair. Eclair. Eclair. She repeated to herself mentally so she could kriffin’ remember this. When the food were on the plate, she picked up Cole’s and handed it to him gently. Once he took it, it took everything Sofila had not to pinch him in the butt. He had a cute ass. Maybe later.
She sat down at the table.
Then it hit her. Oh. Kark. What if he doesn’t like surprises? Nah, he’ll be okay. Wait. No. She hates surprises herself. If she doesn’t want Cole to not do surprises, she should-
Kriff. Kist. Kark-a-doodle-kriff-kist.
She took a few bites and then glanced up Cole.
“Cole… do you like surprises?”
“It depends.”
Cole looked over at her, tucking into his own meal though now rather suspicious. These questions were rarely truly hypothetical.
“Why?”
“Depends. Okay! That’s- no that’s not clear.” Sofila laughed nervously.
“Depends on what?”
“If I already have plans, or am already getting whatever the item is… if it’s something I actually like or not. I’d trust you to pick whatever it is well so those aren’t a factor but there’s still the… what I already own or if I already have plans aspect. I’d frankly rather just know what’s going on, I’ll enjoy it equally anyway.” Cole shrugged.
Sofila was going through an internal battle of telling him or not. She nervously eats the food and avoid eye contact.
Then-
“I’m planning a weekend getaway for us! On your birthday weekend. It’s really great! It’s-” She set the fork down and started gesturing, “a lovely cottage, kinda small but works for both of us! On a private island so the entire island is for us, not that big anyways. So we would fly to Selen and then get a boat to the island. The beach is in the backyard, well front yard too but it’s closer to the back and it’s walkable. There’s even trees where we can hang up hammocks! And there’s bunch of shade on the sand itself so we don’t have to be on the sun at all times! Iamsosorry, I should'vetoldyouthissoonerandaskedyou about it.” She then held her breath.
Cole listened patiently, relieved she had chosen to tell him ratherthan just sharing a date or something.
“You.. don’t have to apologise but I appreciate you telling me.” He smiled ever so slightly, letting the relief show. “It sounds like a fun weekend but.. my birthday is only day you know?”
Sofila sputtered out as she stopped holding her breath. Her shoulders relaxed. This was good! He was looking forward to it maybe! She shrugged with a smile at the mention of his birthday being just one day.
“It is one day but nothing wrong with making a weekend out of it! Besides, we could use a bit of a break, you know. Just listening to videos or music, hanging out, enjoying the sounds of waves crashing, all the things!” Sofila grinned as she took another bite, now very excited for the weekend. She had other plans too but that was for Cole to find out. At night.
The link didn’t really compute but hey, if she wanted to make a deal out of it and they got to go away then he didn’t particularly care what the reason was.
“Well, I’ll mark it down.” He’d look forward to it more than his birthday itself frankly. It was very much just a day to.. consider himself older. Nothing more, nothing less. The only other anniversary there was one he tried to not think about.
Sofila’s smile brightened. She was practically wiggling in excitement in her seat by swaying slightly left to right. Usually, people who aren’t perceptive wouldn’t notice but Cole would.
“Kark, yea.” She started to eat a bit more quick.
“Also, kriff. It smelled delicious when I walked in but kark. This is so good, Cole.” Sofila didn’t hesistate to have another bite.
Cole smiled, a little awkward at the compliment but pleased.
“Thank you. I’m glad you’re enjoying it.”
Sofila nodded enthusiastically and then stopped as she remembered something.
“Oh!” She hopped up so fast before moving her legs so her knee hit the bottom of the table as she yelped.
“I’m okay!” She hobbled to the living room, rubbing her knee while walking at the same time. “Stay! Be right back!” After a few noises, she returned with two presents. “For you!” Sofila grinned.
“I know we agreed on no presents but, I saw these and thought of you and maybe thought you could try them? To see how how it feels? You don’t have to wear them outside of the apartment of course- oh no. I already sorta revealed, just open before I say anything else.”
Cole blanked slightly, guilt rising. “I didn’t get you anything..”
They’d agreed on it and with it being such a random holiday to him it hadn’t crossed his mind she might want something anyway? Had he messed up? Karking stars-
Cole started to open the packaging despite it, not exactly sure what the kark it was other than being clothes.
“It’s no biggie, really!” Sofila grinned as she sat back down on the bench. Cole would find he got two hoodies for him to try, one pull over and one zipper. Along with those two, also sweatpants and a blue jeans.
“I…wasn’t sure if you ever tried them and I figured why not experiment. And don’t feel guilty, besides-“ she plucked the bow that was on the box and puts it on Cole’s head. With a cheesy grin from ear to ear, “you’re my gift~” she waited for the rolling of the eyes or a deadpan stare.
Oh. Hoodies. Huh.
Cole held them up against himself. They were the right size but it was.. very casual. The material was nice, though he wasn’t sure if he would ever wear them outside.
And then Sofila put a bow on his head. He scoffed, rolling his eyes and taking the bow down and placing it on the table with an amused shake of his head.
“Well thank you.”
At least it was just clothes to try out.
Sofila grinned. She was glad the mood was a bit better. Kriff. She just wanted to see him happy. Gathered up the dishes, she placed them into the sink and playfully smirked to Cole.
“So about that dessert~”
A few days later…
The Mirialan did not say a word on the way home. She was scared if she did, she would start crying or become more angry. Many would be angry about not knowing, but she… understood where Buir came from.
Maybe.
She tried to think back so many times. Has her mother said anything about her Buir? That whom she thought was her father and he wasn’t? Constantly, on the ride, she rubbed her hands or crossed her arms. Add crossing her legs and uncrossing them. She was obviously restless. She was far and not all here.
-
Arrived at home, Sofila let out a breath of relief. Today… it had been exhausting. First, the odd anger and shift of emotions from her sister. Then the usual bicker. Added by Buir going to - Wait.
Cole.
Her head snapped to Cole, “Are you okay?” Sofila tenderly asked, concerned for him. He… had a moment at family dinner and she had been worried. And she felt so guilty for not messaging her family as often as Cole suggested considering… he lost it all.
He lost everyone he loved.
Cole was surprised by thr sudden attention. He’d remained quiet kn the journey home, uncomfortable talking about things like that when in transit and.. that was her first concern? He was fine, nothing said there should have bothered him.
It had but still- the lie slipped free without thinking.
“I’m alright. I’m more concerned about you. That’s a lot to find out just out of karking no where.”
“I’m-“ Sofila stopped herself and shook her head. She wasn’t okay.
“I’m too tired. So… I’m just going to shower first.” She headed to the bathroom.
————-
While waiting for Cole, she sat on the bed in the dark and stared at her datapad. The water turned off as she sighed softly and turned it off. Wearily, she placed it on the nightstand and laid down on the bed while pulling the covers up.
The moment Cole enters Sofila gave a small smile that might while she raised the sheets and covers, “Cuddle with me?”
“Sure.” Cole responded, slipping under the sheets beside her and getting settled somewhat before wrapping an arm around her.
“Talk in the morning?” He asked softly. They needed to but he didn’t want to force it. Not too hard but.. sometimes it had tk be somewhat forced. With both of them.
He was desperately trying to not focus on his own nagging thoughts.
Sofila gently pulled him to be somewhat on top of her. Her legged slipped on his while his rest between her legs. Her arms wrapped around him in more of a hug. She started to gently stroke the back of his head, running her fingers through his hair.
There wasn’t an answer for a long time. Kist. She didn’t want to but he wasn’t wrong.
“In the morning.”
Cole nodded, pressing a kiss to her cheek and sinking into the pillow beside her. This was okay.
It was okay.
it was fine-
Eventually they drifted off to sleep but for Cole at least it was far from restful. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. Electricity was sparking at his neck and chaos had erupted around him. He was at the compound again, it was happening again. He could see Sofila among them, his father, Graham, Corvo- more. Faces he knew well and barely at all. Flitting by in an instant beyond his help.
He tried to reach but his body didn’t respond. It couldn’t. He could barely even see, his vision filled with spots and lines and flickering and-
They were all dead. It was just him. Laid among them as if already dead himself but he couldn’t seem to die. The taste of blood was all too familiar.
He looked up and met his own gaze staring down at him. A blaster in the others hand and a disappointed look in his eye. Red eyes. They were bleeding, it felt like his own were bleeding too.
“A boy without a soul… what is there left to kill?”
It turned, and the chaos seemed to erupt again but it wasnt right. None of it was. Cole couldn’t move, couldn’t cry out to any of them, do anything of use.
He instinctively flinched in reality though he didn’t know it himself. His breath had quickened, shallow enough he was barely gaining any actual air. And slowly, slowly, he’d been curling up. One hand at his neck as the other dug into his scalp, moving away from Sofila’s hold as he tried to shrink away from his own mind.
Sofila woken up. Kist. She didn’t want to hold him down, it might make the waking up worse but- she instinctively grabbed his hands and held them tight. To keep him from hurting himself. Her legs slipped and wrapped around him. She leaned her head back to avoid any headbutts.
“Cole. Wake up. Babe, wake up.” She squeezed his hands as a way for it to trigger to his brain to wake the kark up.
“You’re safe with me.”
The squeezing did it, Cole flinching harshly and trying to shift back and away. But he couldn’t. His eyes snapped open, panicked, trying to pull away, get away- he had to help- or do something or-
“Letgo-” it was half muffled by how breathless he was already, struggling to regain enough to speak clearly and still trying to escape. His hands shook.
It took everything Sofila had not to let him go. Kark. Was she hurting him? Her grip tightened but not enough to hurt him.
“Cole, it’s me, Sofila. Please wake up,” she pleaded, her voice breaking. How many nights? Was he ever going to sleep peacefully or fully? What if she was hindering him more?
He looked at her. At her.
The panic didn’t fade but the realization that she wasn’t dead was enough to make him stop for a moment. Her voice had cracked. He wasn’t used to hearing that.
Cole stopped struggling, but still found himself glancing around the room. Refamiliarising himself. It had just been a nightmare. He’d woken her up again.
He was so tired.
“I’m awake.” He stuttered out between breaths, trying to force himself to count. To breathe slower but his hands still shook and every hair on his body was raised, muscles tensed and ready for something to break the peace.
Sofila released his hands and pulled him back into a hug. She started to stroke his hair gently.
Kark. She started to breathe slowly and deeply, hoping it would help Cole to follow.
“I’m here…” she reminded him. She wasn’t sure why but she felt like she needed to do that. She tenderly placed a kiss onto his head.
“….what was it about?”
Cole hesitated before wrapping his arms around her. It took a few minutes but eventually his breathing evened out. The shaking lessened, barely there but enough that he felt restles still. Unsettled. Or maybe it was that feeling causing the shaking. Both?
“You were all dead.” He answered plainly, his voice low and slightly raspy. It annoyed him somewhat but there was little else to do but finish explaining. “I couldn’t stop it and I saw.. me. The same one from the karking trial. Said that.. Well. Basically that I wasn’t worth killing. And then it was.. you were all dying again. And.. again.” He sighed, closing his eyes. “Same kark as usual, really. I’m sorry I woke you. I know you want the company but…”
She looked tired. It wasn’t entirely his fault but he hadn’t helped.
Sofila listened as she still run her fingers through his hair to comfort him. She placed another kiss on his head and gently nuzzled her face Something. Then she froze when apologized for waking her up and brought up her wanting the company.
“It’s more than that, Cole.” She stopped. Should she tell him? She didn’t want to worry him. She quickly reassumed stroking his hair softly and left it as that, hoping he didn’t notice her wanting to say more but stopped herself.
He caught it. The hesistation to her breath, the way her words seemed to stop too soon.
“Then what is it?” He asked, still shaken but focussing. Something to focus on other than.. everything else.
Sofila didn’t say anything. She continued to stoke his hair gently. She didn’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t want to make him worry or be concerned enough that he felt he would have to move in just to keep an eye on her instead of when he was ready. There was a lot to talk about tomorrow morning… maybe with everything they needed to talk about, this small needless part would be forgotten.
“Tomorrow,” Sofila whispered.
He nodded. He’d do his best to remember this one. Cole let out a slow exhale, slipping his arm back around her and closing his eyes.
It was unlikely he’d actually get back to sleep but he’d try. Or at least lay still enough that Sofila would be able to.
An hour passed. He couldn’t settle, kark he could barely close his eyes and not feel worse. And he could feel Sofila shifting somewhat, could tell from her breathing that she hadn’t managed to fall asleep either. Your fault.
Cole frowned, but asked softly into the dark, “Would you be able to sleep if I left the room? I’m.. not going to be able to.”
Sofila sighed softly as she released her arms from around him and rubbed her face, careful not to accidently hit him with her elbow. She was hoping that cuddling and stroking his hair would help him fall back asleep.
Might as well tell him. She had an hour to mull over it. She gently leaned up and gave Cole time to move as well. She exhaled softly as she pressed her back against the headboard and brought her knees up. Her arms resting between her torso and legs.
“I actually sleep worse without you. Every light in this apartment would be on. And if I do manage to fall asleep…” Sofila trailed off grimacing. She can hear it in her head. She gave a small weak chuckle and shook her head.
“Want some caf then?”
Oh.
He’d shifted, leaning back to give her room and leaning on one elbow to avoid fully sitting up just yet.
“I.. didn’t know.” Cole answered softly. It made sense that he wouldn’t, it’s hard to sleep alone when someones there. It made sense why she was so insistent, at least. It also made him feel worse that he so often disturbed her, if she struggled too.
There was an awkward moment of quiet before he answered unsteadily, “Sure, caf.”
“And that’s not your fault,” Sofila pointed out as she watched him. Their eyes met.
There was a moment of silence before he agreed to caf. She nodded and move to slide off the bed. She went to her drawers first, to grab some socks and a pull over hoodie to keep her warm. After doing so, she glanced to Cole.
“I… didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to feel obliged to have to move in. I want you do it when you are ready. Not because… yea. It’s why I only ask when I know I really need you. Such as… after everything today. ” She headed out and made her way into the kitchen to turn on the caf.
She let out a long sigh.
This was going to be a long day.
Cole pulled on a pair of pants before glancing toward the hoodie she’d bought him. Worth a shot, it’d be… warm.
He pulled it on, sorting the sleeves out when Sofila began speaking and turning slightly to look, letting her go and giving it a few seconds before following. A glance at the chrono and it was still before the sun would even rise on most planets. Kriff.
A pair of socks were pulled on and Cole followed her through to the kitchen, leaning on the kitchen island.
“I think I’d be better here too, for what it’s worth. I just wasn’t sure when would be right.” He spoke hesistantly toward the end, grimacing.
Sofila turned to face him. Her hands went to the counter behind her as she hopped up and sat on the counter. She gave him a small surprised look. He… would be better here?
Then she chuckled softly, “Honestly?” Sofila tilted her head at him.
“With our lives… it had been anything but normal. I don’t think we ever had a…. right timing. Except small things you know. Like when we agreed on Strings.” She swung her legs a little bit, careful for her heels not to hit the cabinet.
“We’re both karked up in one way or another, Cole. Hard to find the right moment sometimes.”
Sofila wasn’t wrong.
“That was a good time, yeah.” He agreed softly to the strings. Out of all of them, it was one of the better moments they’d had. “It’s hard to know when the right moment is even when its looking right at you sometimes.”
Afterall, it wasn’t like he karking knew what normal was. To him, Zuza moving onto the compound was normal. He’d tried normal and.. was Sofila upset he hadn’t asked to move in yet or was she trying to give him space? Both?
Cole shifted uncomfortably in place, avoiding her gaze. “Is.. this the right moment?”
Sofila softly chuckled again. Kriff. So many things were right in her face and she kept missing them. Such as what she realized last night to how…. insensitive she was about Cole’s calm nudging to call her family.
“It can be. I know I’ve been blind lately.”
Sofila frowned softly, watching Cole. He was avoiding to look at her. Did… he actually want to move in? She was utterly confused. She has told him that she was fine to wait until he was ready but here he was, wondering if it’s the right moment. Cole wouldn’t say it unless he means it but- Kist.
And she, doesn’t even have a kriffin’ answer.
“In… my opinion, yes. Cyar'ika, if you are not ready or feel uncomfortable, I am happy to wait as long as you wish. If you want to wait until you feel that it’s the right moment, then I’m okay with that. It’s not about my comfort, it’s yours too.” The caf machine dinged as she slid off the counter and turned to open a cabinet to find the mugs.
“Want anything with yours?”
“No thank you.” He answered. Usually he’d add some milk or something but with being awake this early, the caffiene didn’t need softening. It wouldn’t be the worst thing he’d ever drank, if Sofila’s reaction to his prefferences of alcohol was anything to go by.
“I was mainly worried about keeping you awake all the time. I know you struggle to sleep when I’m awake. I thought I was making it worse for you but if I’m not then…” Cole trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, “Well. I think it’d suit us. I’m over here more than I’m in my room on the Voidbreaker anyway.”
Sofila nodded to let him know that she heard him. She poured Cole’s first and slid it over the island. Then her expression softened. He thought he was keeping her up? And that’s all what it took? Kriff, if she knew that, she would’ve said something earlier. She walked over to the side a bit, leaned down a little and pecked him on the lips.
“I’d love that.” He wasn’t wrong. He has been coming over more recently anyways.
Because of all the kist that has been happening more recently but she wasn’t complaining. Now he was actually moving in. With a grin, she made her way to the fridge and got the milk to add to her coffee and a bit of honey. Once she was done, she put everything back and grabbed her mug.
“Living room?” She wasn’t sure if they should discuss everything in the kitchen or living room…
Well, that was that then. He’d have to talk to Tali and Doon, and see how moving between units even worked.
But, she was smiling and he could feel the relief in himself at the confirmation of it occuring. It’d be worth it.
“Sure.”
They could always come back into the kitchen if they needed something.
“Okay.” Silently, Sofila made her way to the living room and settles down on the couch. She brought her legs up and criss cross applesauce.
Might as well get things started.
“How long?” Sofila asked as she looked over to Cole when he sits down.
“I mean… how long were you unable to actually sleep through the night?” There had been rare moments where he did sleep through the night when she’s with him but they happen barely once or twice the entire month. If any.
Cole wasn’t sure exactly what she meant at first and as enlightening as the explanation was… That was a hard question to answer.
“It.. varies.” He started, considering how to answer it properly. “When they first started? I don’t know, honestly. We were trying things to make them stop and they’d knock me out but I’d just be stuck in the nightmares. It was worse. Eventually it got better enough that I’d make it through the night but it was years. Even nights I make it through aren’t usually.. restful. It’s maybe.. once or twice a month that I actually sleep properly?”
Sofila frowned softly and then winced when he brought up that they tried to use drugs and it ended up with him stuck in it. Kark. She- Kist. No. She wanted to hold him but instead, she took a sip from her caf. She had gotten used to the bitter taste over time so having milk and honey in it really helped. So she guessed right. Once or twice a month.
Not enough.
“I…. wish I know how or what to do to help with that.”
“It’s fine, no one else did either. Except- Well.” Cole cut off, frowning. He sipped his drink and sighed slightly.
“There was one thing we didn’t try. Not sure I’d be anymore open to it now than I was back then but the doctor… kark what did he say.” It had been over a decade. He made a slightly frustrated noise, shaking his head, “Essentially, it was that I needed to get away from what was causing the issues. Fighting, to an extent but torture. I.. mentioned the shock collar. That was what.. set all of this off.”
He sighed again, shifting uncomfortably in place. It felt exposing to talk about it at all. “So, getting away from anything that could lead to it happening again but I’d have had to leave my family for something that could work. Not a certainty. Even now I’d have to leave what I’m doing to do it so.. It gets better, sometimes. It’s been better, the last few months than it has been in years.” He shrugged.
Oh. That… sort of made sense.
“So that means you need to retire… like right now for it to possibly stop.” Sofila frowned, her eyebrows furrowing. She knew that Cole can’t stop. He grew up in this. He wasn’t the kind to grow old and whittle.
Though that would been nice.
And she knew she was the same. She was restless. SHe’s not the kind to sit around and crochet.
She chuckled with a sad sigh, “We can’t sit still either way.” She sipped her caf. There was something that had been bothering her while she was showering and waiting for Cole to come to bed. His response. There was no way he was okay. She wanted to ask him that but instead, there was a pause.
It was his turn. She feels like if she brings it up now and he doesn’t bring up what he wanted to talk about, it may make him uncomfortable. Or shut down, maybe? Kriff. This was difficult. Her eyes stared into the tan liquid in her mug.
“No. No we can’t.” Cole had answered, a tinge of defeat colouring his voice. He didn’t let it linger, looking back toward her. She had paused.
Well, if they were going to talk…
“Yesterday.. Well. All of it. It.. must be a relief knowing that schutta isn’t your father but I can’t imagine it’s that easy either.” He kept his voice soft, trying to walk around the issue. To pull points that she could choose to work wtih in multiple ways. He was trying.
“Kark. It was. Is? Is. I am so kriffin’ glad I do not have a drop of Serpens in me but-“ Sofila frowned. Confusion played on her face more so than the anger.
“I don’t know. She never hurt me. Serpens was the one doing all that- but then again there’s the fact she never karkin’ stopped him. And now it was her and because of her, Buir came and got me or I would be-“ she stopped right there.
What a relief it must be for him if he knows now. Knowing that they don’t share blood. She needed to talk to Castor about this. Later.
“I don’t know what to feel about all this.” Sofila fingertips fidgeted as they rubbed against the mug. It helped her focused on the warm and smooth texture of the ceramic.
“She didn’t physically hurt me. In a way, she saved me….I guess. Twice now if she was why the hit was removed.” She sounded unsure. It was because of her mother she doesn’t take abandonment well or easily get hurt if someone she loves so much wouldn’t want to hug her.
“How long did she let him abuse you for? And did nothing to stop him. Never let you in out of storms, never stopped him degrading you. Any of it. Karking good for her for growing a spine but feeling bad about how much hurt you went through, when she stood by and watched and let it happen? If you feel anything toward her Sof, don’t karking feel forgiveness. I.. whatever else it is I’m here but that? She doesn’t deserve you.”
Sofila was expecting something from Cole but not that. It took her slightly off guard but not completely. And he wasn’t wrong.
But her mother has saved her once maybe twice. Then again…she has qualms about Cole’s father. Cole still sees him as a good man as she sighed softly and took a sip of her caf before her pink hues glanced over to him.
“I don’t think it’s that simple… She saved my life. I mean… it sort of make sense the first time but if she was the reason why the hit got called off? Then what does that say? She did not have to do that.”
“We don’t know that.” Cole pointed out, sighing after, “It says she finally came to her karking senses. But only after your brother was sent after you to kill you. I’d be wondering why the kark she’s bothering now.”
He took a drink of caf, frowning. Concerned, frankly. Could it be its own ploy, to make her think she was safe… maybe even reach out only for Serpens to appear and take advantage of it?
“You give people second chances Sof, and thats.. admirable. But you could have been killed once already through it.”
Sofila shook her head softly.
“From what I do remember, she wasn’t part of all that.. family kist. It’s all Serpens. She just.. takes care of parties, people, dinner, hosting, giving birth to us. Suns, it’s the staff that actually raised us. When we are good and perfect little children, she does spend time with us but the moment we get fussy or upset, she pawns off of us to the staff.” Sofila felt her anger was starting to rise the more she revealed.
“You know what. Kark her. She’s not a good mother.” Yet, there was still uncertainity in her voice.
“When… Castor is able to reach to me safely, I’ll talk to him.”
“Don’t let him convince you of anything to do with her. Not just.. flat out.”
Cole was hesistant but.. it also wasn’t his place to govern her but kark he didn’t want to lose her to her just blindly trusting people.
Sofila looked to Cole, slightly confused. Last she checked, Castor wasn’t a fan of either of them. It was easier to keep the peace to do his job and move on. Especially since he has a family himself.
She hasn’t even got to meet them and she doesn’t know if she will.
“Yea, of course not, Cole.” She doesn’t say anything for awhile. Something was bothering her from what he said, earlier.
“….Not for the she-akk specifically but sometimes second chances isn’t so bad.”
Some time ago he’d have vehemently disagreed with that. But the nagging knowledge that he’d been wrong about Zuza was present enough that Cole hesistated, a frown drawing in his features.
“Sometimes. Within certain contexts.” He spoke slowly, hesistantly. Not wanting to wholly agree when his gut was so against it but unable to just disagree.
Sofila propped her elbow up on the couch’s arm and she leaned into it, her face resting in her hand. She looked at him before back to her mug and took a few sips. Should she?
Oh. She was almost out of caf. Hmm.
“Maybe some disagree on where or how second chances applies, but … I, personally, believe you had a second chance yourself.” Sofila looked over to him.
“That day… that you had the blaster and was ready to be gone in front of me, if I was just a few seconds… but I wasn’t. And here you are. Showing how beautiful second chances can be.” Sofila grinned and tilted her head. She sounded cheesy.
Perhaps from reading too many books.
Cole’s frown only deepened, at first at least. Him, a second chance? Not.. really. He’d survived and survived. And survived again. But then Sofila clarified and… Was that a second chance?
In the moment it had felt like his final option being torn away. The next day he’d just been resigned to trudging through for her. Now he had.. something of a reason to keep rolling onward himself. A goal to follow and then hopefully something beyond it. Upward. It didn’t feel like a second chance in the way they were talking about them. No.
“That.. was different.” He started, before stopping again and shaking his head. “I’m talking about giving them to other people. People who have hurt you.”
“Sometimes we don’t mean to hurt people though. I … lost count how many times I’ve accidently hurt you.” Sofila pointed out as she sighed and got up from the couch. Her hand held out towards Cole’s mug.
“Want some more?”
“We both have.” Cole pointed out with a soft frown.
He hesistated before offering the mug up to her. “Sure.”
Sofila grasped Cole’s mug and looked at him for a moment before headed to the kitchen. He… hasn’t hurt her? Has he? Sure, there was some… blunt moments but she didn’t see it as hurt.
Kriff.
Why was relationships so karking confusing? Things were easier when she wasn’t a leader and punching some faces and sending them to officials. So much has changed in the last several months. After she filled up Cole’s and made hers, she headed back to the living room and handed Cole his mug.
“There you go.” Sofila smiled softly. When he took it, she sat back down on the couch. She doesn’t take another sip.
“When I asked you last night if you were okay, you said yes. I… didn’t think of it at the time but were you really?”
Cole took it, calloused hands not particularly bothered by the heat of it.
He glanced side ways toward her at the question, hesistating. The instinct was to lie again, to cover. But then again she knew and she’d promised. Cole never had but he shouldn’t have to be forced to. That wasn’t.. right. Some part of him stood by that, as small as it was.
Working his jaw for a moment, he finally the words. “I didn’t want you to just start worrying about me instead of taking care of yourself. I was-” Kark that wasn’t it. Kriffing idiot just- “No I wasn’t. But I didn’t want to talk about it either. Just like you didn’t and still weren’t exactly keen to just now.”
Sofila was completely taken off guard.
She knew that he wasn’t okay but that last bit was not what she expected.
“I- What?” Sofila asked, completely confused. Her brows furrowed as while looking over at him.
“I’m talking now- what are you talking about? I’ve expressed my thoughts and opinions on my mom-” She stopped, still confused to what Cole was saying and trying to backtrack to where or what he was talking about. Kriff.
“I’m not saying that you weren’t talking. Last night we didn’t want to so we went to bed and now We are and that’s good. But it’s necessity not want, or that’s what I-”
Had she actually wanted to talk about it like that? Like this? The night before she hadn’t and the mood this morning hadn’t exactly been better.
Because you’re the best at reading people, right.
Cole grimaced, lowering the cup onto his knee, unsure what to say.
“Oh.” Sofila’s voice was lowered.
“Okay.” She brought the mug up and took a sip and sighed.
“You brought up for us to have missions together because while it karking sucks it was better to do it together than alone.” She placed the mug onto the end table. She leaned against her hand again and just looked at the wall in front of them. She was tired.
“And I agree and I still don’t regret it,” she added, wanted him to know she was fine with that decision that they both agreed on.
“It’s the same as worrying I imagine. It sucks. But I am always going to worry about you, Cole, just like you always worry about me. It karking sucks, but we love each other and that’s… part of it. However.. if you do not want to talk about it, I won’t push but you are not okay. Hiding things is not how we get better.”
“Because you tell me everything straight away.” Cole muttered, catching himself only afterward and regretting it. Even if it was true.
Sofila felt frustration grew in her. She got up from the couch and headed to the bedroom. There was some shifting noises as she headed back out and handed Cole the datapad. It was obvious she was angry but she was keeping it down. The best she could.
“I started last night while you were showering.” Once he takes the datapad, he would see that she has been searching for therapy nearby and on Selen.
“I’m kriffin’ trying. And I do tell you what’s wrong the moment you ask- or I thought I have been.”
“When I ask, yeah.” Cole spoke softly, handing her back the data pad. Yeah. He felt like kist. She had been, when asked, telling him more often.
Kark he looked like an ass.
It just- it wasn’t like she wouldn’t hide them if he didn’t ask. But then how terrible does that sound? Hypocritical. Paranoid. He shifted uncomfortably.
“I’m sorry.”
Sofila took it back and placed it on the coffee table. She didn’t have the respond on him pointing out when he had to ask.
She asked too. And met with silence.
Time. He needed time. Sofila felt like she’s always one step forward and falls two step backwards with him. She just..wanted him happy. Comfortable. She was too tired to point it out.
Instead, she sat down by him and rested her head on his shoulder. She would take his hand but he was holding the caf.
“It’s okay. We’re just…tired.”
He sighed softly.
“I wasn’t okay. But it’s just kark to think about, not anything… I wasn’t upset or angry or anything. I should be okay.”
If he couldn’t hear a family just karking existing then.. Well. It was pathetic. Or.. kark. He didn’t know.
Sofila remained quiet, her head still on his shoulder as she listened. Confirmation that he wasn’t okay but addition of he should be okay… something was bothering him.
“Good news though. Buirs really liked you.” She leaned up her head a bit and pecked him on the cheek. Then she was back to being quiet and patient. Odd. She never thought she would be able to sit still and be calm. But it has been proven to help him talk in the past.
Cole considered it for a moment. They hadn’t really interacted but Wulfram had been open with abilities he didn’t even like having in front of him. Also offering drinks. Lillian was less clear but…
“It didn’t seem to go poorly, no.” He spoke agreeably. “And at least I know why you dislike the Force so much.”
It was easier to move topics than linger here.
Sofila grimaced for couple of reasons.
One, it didn’t karking worked. He didn’t talk more.
Two, the bringing up of the Force.
“It’s… more than that. Serpens was the one who started my …” She stopped herself, her brows furrowed. It wasn’t hatred, no. She just-
Kriff. She just what?
“Disdain. I guess.” She grumbled as she scooted away a bit and leaned against the couch and brought up her legs. Her feet now at the edge of the couch with her thighs close to her chest.
“It’s… complicated. If it wasn’t for the healing or the barrier to protect others, I wouldn’t use it. At all.”
“..Why?” Cole asked softly. It was something that had always confused him. Not that he didn’t understand being leery of a power like that.
The dark side was a powerful drug. It had proven that time and time again in history and present times and will do again. But, it was a skill. A hell of an advantage. In base, she was faster than him. Able to heal better, be stronger.
Live longer.
Cole bit the inside of his lip for a moment, releasing it quickly enough.
That wasn’t a line of thought they needed to go down just yet.
Sofila shook her head. She didn’t want to think about her nightmares. She cleared her throat to make sure it wouldn’t break.
“It’s nothing good. I am obviously emotional and not calm like the Jedi. It leads to… bad things quickly.”
Cole nodded ever so slightly.
“You’re getting better, with your emotions. Maybe.. that might be something to revisit someday.” He suggested before shrugging, “I was just curious, either way.”
She was getting better?
Kark, she feels like a ticking time bomb.
A shudder went down her spine as she was reminded of the nightmares. No. Time to move on.
“Cole, you do know you can talk to me, right? I mean about you saying you should be okay but I know you’re not.”
Cole glanced away. It was stupid. He was fine.
It was just words. Yet…
“Why do you hate my father so much? I know you do, it’s obvious even I speak of his good doings that you’re biting your tongue.” He spoke slowly, tentative. Unsure if he even wanted to hear what the answer was.
Kark. Kriff. She was taken off guard. It didn’t take long as she looked away, unable to even look at him. What the suns was she suppose to say?! If she tries to tell him not to worry about it, she knew he wouldn’t let go.
“I-“ she felt like this was a trap. Tell the truth, there might be strain. Tell a lie- suns, she didn’t want to think of the consequences from that. Plan C?
“I just- I’m sorry. I can work on my emotions and listen better. He was your dad and you loved him.”
“I’m not asking you to.. change your opinion nor want to argue about it but.. .. why?” Cole didn’t look at her but he spoke honestly. Plainly.
“This.. I won’t be angry at you or anything. You know why he did what he did. You know what he did. Good and bad to some.. extent. Not everything but plenty enough.”
Kark. Sofila started to rub her face and brought her fingers through her hair and her hands rested at the back of her neck.
She…didn’t want to tell him.
“I feel like you never got a chance to be you. I felt like your personality isn’t- wasnt? You. And you became what he wants you to be. A vision of not…you and what his definition of a good son, businessman, and solider,” Sofila blurted out quickly and winced.
“Cole, I’m wrong, I’m sure I am. I just- we’re raised differently. I’m sure it’s not that.”
Cole frowned.
He didn’t know what to say. Instinct wanted to charge in, to deny it but he promised he’d listen not react. But.. that left him to think.
Was that.. really what it seemed like?
Was she even wrong?
“You’ve never agreed that him raising me differently mattered before.” He murmured, more to just say something than with any real conviction but it was true. Usually he’d deny her anger, defend his father and she’d state that it shouldn’t have mattered.
“I didn’t realise how different it was.”
No yelling. No argument. No defending his father. Then the last sentence hit her hard for some reason. She can’t imagine if the shoe was on the other foot.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was soft and genuine. She reached over and grabbed his hand gently.
“I do believe on one thing though. He may have done what he thought was best.” Was bringing him to her family made him realize some things? Oh. Kark. She remembered something Lillian had said.
Dar‘manda.
“….you don’t think you are dar’manda, do you?” She was ready to argue with him on that.
He squeezed her hand, surprised at her lack of just.. tearing into his father with the opening to do so.
What was best. But when it had gone wrong.. kark they never even spoke about their fight after it happened. Trevor barely said a damn word while it was happening. He must have known or..
But if that was the case for it all, then what did that leave him?
Sofila spoke again, evidently their minds following the same path.
“Well.” It clicked the way she said it and he hesitated. Wasn’t he? He’d gotten better but.. “By what she said, I would be wouldn’t I?”
“No.” Sofila paused for a moment. She was gathering what she can. Negative first and then the positive.
“You feel pain and anger. I saw it when you sparred with Zuza. You feel sadness and grief, you almost killed yourself that day, Cole. Because it was so strong. Dar'manda just… carry on. No emotions. Not even negative ones really. But you also expressed happiness. That day you laughed at me when I realized how bad it looked when I was trying to get your clothes off at the hotel…” Sofila smiled softly at the memory.
“Sure, anyone would’ve seen that as funny but you laughed and expressed it. You tease me constantly, kist, you even brought up how I loosened that door for you. You wouldn’t bring that up if you were dar'manda because there wouldn’t been no point in teasing someone they love. And that’s the best emotion of them all.”
She scooted closer and her leg was back over the couch as she kissed him on the cheek with a gentle grin.
“Love. And I’m a witness to see how fierecly you love. I even… see it in you too towards Zuza. At the blizzard. You were concerned for her, weren’t you? Dar'manda doesn’t have friends or real lovers.”
“Then I was that, for a long time.” Cole rubbed the back of his neck.
Chin up, eyes straight.
“You saw it once. When.. you saw my past. The chit. I don’t know what exactly you saw but from what you described that was me for a long time. He… wanted that.” Cole hesistated. “It was strength.”
It was somewhat comforting to know he wasn’t dar'manda though… Well.
“I was- Well. Still am for her. I was worried for you too but… This is all kark I’d have never..” The words weren’t coming right. Nothing sat right. Cole shifted uncomfortably.
“You were, yes. But that is not you now. That’s why… I’ve been trying to help you find hobbies. Swimming. Climbing. Suns, have you heard of witling? Maybe wood carving stuff? Carpentry stuff? Do you want to try that?” Sofila stopped herself, not wanting to overwhelm him. She visibly grimaced when he brought up the chit. Part of her wanted to do it again, to try to understand him more but kark. Just the two she saw… it bothered her. She had to push away the thoughts.
Trevor saw that version of Cole as strength Sofila was certain that Trevor would’ve seen her as weak. Or weakness. She shook her head and gave Cole’s hand another squeeze.
“It… it’s going to take time. This is all new territory to you and conflicting emotions. I just want you to know and understand that I’m here. And, please don’t forget it. However long it takes, I’m here to help anyway I can, okay?” She gave him a small smile and kissed him on the cheek.
It was somewhat overwhelming. He- Why would he do those things? Swimming and climbing made sense, sure but… He didn’t know. It was a complete unknown and it was karking terrifying.
Cole forced a slight smile, nodding at her words. He believed Sofila, kark, of course he did. She’d be there for him. He just hoped there was an end goal for it. It was hard to gauge when you didn’t even know what it was.
“I won’t forget.” A promise, murmured but firm.
Sofila beamed, she knew he was a man of his word. She planted a kiss at his neck, leaving a trail up to his jawline.
—————
After blizzard
Sofila yawned as she turned on the caf maker. She rubbed her eyes while made her way to the fridge and ponder what she was going to try to make.
She didn’t want to.
“Cole, do you want me to cook or…” Sofila trailed off and leaving room for Cole to answer and enter onto the kitchen.
“I can cook.” Cole answered, entering a few moments later while sorting out the hoodie. She’d gotten it for him for life day and hed.. not worn it often but it had been cold this morning. Usually he was fine but especially in the wake of Port Kaisyaa, it was just a reminder of worser moments for Cole. The hoodie wasn’t really his style but it was warmer than his typical dress.
“What do you want? We have a bunch in.”
“Well, maybe pancakes with fruits or French toast with fruits or-“ she turned and stopped when she looked at him. What? He was wearing the hoodie? He looked good, no doubt but-
“Are you okay?” Last she checked she hasn’t messed with the thermostat when they had an agreement on the temperatures.
Oh so something breakfast with fruits. That was easy. He was stepping past her, more so looking for the bread than anything when her tone changed.
He pulled it out, placing it on the counter before looking over. “Yeah?”
“Oh.” She returned to the fridge and got out some of the fruits and set them down so he can decide what to do them.
“It was just…” She closed the door and considered it. She didn’t want to ruin the moment and making him feel like he can’t wear the hoodie.
“I was pleasantly surprised to see you in the hoodie.”
Ah. Yeah that was odd for him. Unsurprising she’d notice.
“Yeah, I just felt a bit cold and this is.. warmer than my shirts.” He smiled a bit, mostly genuinely and aiming it toward her before focusing back on the food.
“Oh. I-” Her brows furrowed in confusion. He… wasn’t wrong but the temperatures hasn’t changed. Not since they got back from-
Oh. The blizzard? Maybe he was colder than usual? Wait, does the bad cold-thermia thingy can last long? She quickly get her datapad and tried to find the correct word.
“Looking up…. there it is, hypothermia… I know nothing abuot it, but you don’t have it? Right?” Sofila asked, concerned and trying to skim through it.
Cole paused what he was doing and looked toward her again as she started searching.
“No, I don’t. And if I’d have had it this long I don’t think I’d be alive frankly. The gear they handed out prevented it, as did not staying out too long. I’m okay. I’d know if I did have it, kark.” The last sentence was more of a grumble, going to the fruits and gathering them to wash them.
“You made it sound like you had it before.” Sofila joked as she chuckled and put away the datapad on the island-
Then she froze and paused. With… all the scars on Cole’s body and how much he had been through-
“Wait, did you?”
“I have. A.. couple years ago now.” Cole started slowly, mulling over how to talk about it. It wasn’t really that big of a deal. He’d been found. It’s probably fine.
“The power stations on Zainab, Selens polar continent, got taken out by the fake gods and their Caxquettes. It turned off the power for a large portion of the planet and we were sent to help out. My team came across one of the caxquettes. And these aren’t the bred ones on that island. These..” No. Shift.
“It got everyone separated and I couldn’t find the transport. Was out and exposed for too long, I got picked up though and it was fine.”
Sofila sat on the bench as she listened. Her one leg was propped up and she wrapped her arms around her leg and rested her chin on her knee. Her eyebrow rose at the change about the caxquettes. She had heard of them. But she wasn’t aware of…. unbred ones?
Sofila was glad he was found. Funny. All these near death moments and Cole never saw it as a chance to try to live.
“What was different about these?”
“Well they’re the ones that the island ones came from. Or.. something. They’re twisted. All of them are large, they have Force sensitivity, and they spent a millennia or so in a cave with their masters and nothing to do but go insane.” A tension started forming in his shoulders, an edge to his voice.
eatbreedkilleatbreedkilleatbreedki-
He clenched his jaw.
“Theres only four left. I was on one of the missions to kill one of them. Shoving a grenade down its damn throat did the job.” He paused again, agitated. He didnt like thinking about them, how theyd gotten into his head. “They stay close to their masters nowadays. For now.”
Sofila wanted to get up and hug him. Give him kisses. But sometimes, that gets him distracted or shut down. Besides, he was cooking. He was tensed. But she doesn’t know why. Was it remembering this?
Surely, shoving a grenade down it’s throat couldn’t bother him. It was Cole for frack’s sake. She remembered how he was…. is? when it comes to missions.
“Something else happened didn’t it?”
That wasn’t-
Hed never talked about it. That thing getting in his head. It had wanted him to open fire. Kill them all. Protect the pack. That the rest of the team were false. Betrayers.
It took him some moments to find a response. Should he even mention it? What if-
What if.. What? It was Sofila.
It was only as the silence progressed that Cole realised he’d started chewing on his lower lip, firmly forcing himself to stop. A bad habit, really. Not that he let it be a habit but still, best that way.
“It… did.”
It broke the silence, at least.
She could feel her nervousness was starting to raise the longer Cole stayed quiet. He was finally going to move in, in the process of doing so, and she was worried that she accidently messed things up.
Then he finally spoke.
Okay. It obviously was bothering him.
“Do you want to talk about it or…? I understand if not.” Sofila offered as she got up and started to help with the fruits now at least.
Cole shifted so she’d have space to help with the prep. His mind was elsewhere but he still worked at the fruits, chopping them somewhat chunkily so they’d more easily sit in the batter and not sink to the bottom immediately and end up burning.
“It ended up being fine.” He answered, knowing it was vague but unsure how to actually talk about it in the first place. “They can get into your head. I knew it going in just…”
No one could truly be prepared for that.
“They can what?” Sofila sounded shocked as she grimaced. Another reason why she hated the Force. Many Force users like to get into other people head or feel their senses without permission. Sure, she had accidently… sensed Cole once and got a couple of memories but they both weren’t intentional.
She started to rub her arms, guilt consuming her as she felt bad for the chit scenario. And she still doesn’t have answers on how or what caused that to happened. She’s just been avoiding touching things of Cole as of late. Except for clothes, just a quick wash and throw them in the dryer.
“How far they get in depends.. on the person. Obviously Force Users have a better defence against it. It… I managed to resist doing what it wanted me to do but I couldn’t move. It took everything to not just-” He cut off, exhaling.
“I was at the back of the group. It wanted me to open fire. And it had.. it had a lot to say about why.” The stuttering was bothering him and he grimaced. Kark, this was stupid. Beyond it! It shouldn’t still effect him like this. Like electricity shouldn’t. Like being disarmed or blinded shouldn’t. None of it should. “I don’t remember most of the combat. Not until it was finally distracted enough for me to break free and that’s when.. Well. I finished it off.”
Sofila got up from her seat and gently wrapped her arms around him. She pressed her body up against his back and rested her chin on his shoulder.
“That … sounded rough. I’m glad you broke off and made it though. That’s… not an easy thing to break free from, Force user or not.” Sofila pointed out as she kissed his cheek, trying to reassure him that he wasn’t weak or anything of the sorts.
“You’re the first person I’ve told.” He spoke barely above a murmur, not meeting her eye. Not reacting to the kiss.
He felt uncomfortable. Everything felt louder, closer. His gaze flickered toward the door but nothing was there.
Oh.
Kriff. It had obviously bothered him this long and he hasn’t told anyone. Her heart hurts. Just knowing that he had no one to confide in. There was someone but… he died. Two years. Two years on the Voidbreaker. She always believed everything happens for a reason and apparently that was part of her culture, the Mirialan. Karma. But why did it take two years for her to enter into his life? Would he had more friends by now? Happier? Comfortable?
Stop, Sofila bitterly told herself.
“I see.” Sofila gently pulled away and started to help him more with the food. She realized something so she went to open a cabinet.
“Powder sugar?” This was her way trying to change the topic for him. She… didn’t know what else to ask or say. It felt wrong to say ‘Thank you for confiding in me’, kark that.