Two monotonous beeps
“Okay, try again, Thirteen.”
There was a whirl and then a loud crack. Evelyn sighed softly. Installing new parts was never easy especially if it was so fickle and small.
But she enjoyed it. The challenge. She was feeling a bit better since the past few weeks.
She hated her therapist.
But they do help.
Thirteen rolled away while Evelyn’s slender arm reached into the narrow gap and searched for the little moody part.
<@432543120635461643>
Zuza was coming down to check on her speeder bike, it didn’t get as much use as it once did and a check over the paint work and the general maintanence was a damn good excuse to not do more work for a few hours.
It was basic and monotonus but it was with her hands and required more than just talking at a datapad for hours on end and hoping she didn’t slip a cuss into an official document.
There were more ships in than usual, those recovered from the war still in repairs in the docks as they had been for weeks but-
A flash of white hair. Not that there weren’t a few Echani’s around but as the woman leant forward Zuza noticed the designation of the ship. Siren Squad. It was Evelyn. The woman who she’d never spoken too but for some reason didn’t like her.
It was confusing.
She walked over, stomping ever so slightly to not startle her to the incomer and not approaching too closely either.
“Uh, hello?”
Thirteen let out a short beep. It was letting her know that someone was approaching. Evelyn assumed it was one of the workers, squadrons, or janitors.
‘Uh, hello?’
None of the above. Evelyn turned her head to look over to see if the voice matched who she thinks it was. Yep. It was.
“Afternoon, Lottson. Is there anything I can help you with, ma’am?” She turned her attention back to her ship.
“Not help, I’m just curious about if I did somethin’ to upset you at some point? I can’t think of anything and well- Yeah. That’s about it. Not that I came all the way here for that, just, kinda happened that you’re here too but I thought I’d ask.” Zuza rubbed the back of her neck, frowning lightly.
Evelyn rose an eyebrow but said nothing. Then a sound of a click.
“Try again, Thirteen.” The droid whirled and the ship sounded better. One down, several more to go. “Cut it off.”
She stood up and look over to Zuza, “Is this about the festival, ma'am?”
“Well, not the festival specifically but just.. You seemed angry at me? I might be wrong and I’m sorry if I am and if I’m bothering you, I just would rather not leave it hanging if there is something there.”
She felt more awkward by the second. It was an odd thing to do but Zuza would prefer to try and make sure everything is.. alright.
“I was, yes.”
She reached over to the rag and started to wipe the grime and oil away from her hands.
“I made an error judgement on going. A few days before the festival, I found out Graham was killed by you. I’ve met Graham several years ago and was a bit… taken back by the news. Then Cole and yourself seemed to be friends so it took an impact on my already tired mental since I did not know what happened.”
She paused for a moment before adding, “I figured since Cole and Graham was close and he’s friends with you still, I’ve started to move on.”
Oh.
It was plain across Zuza’s face the shock initially, at the name. At the statement of what she did. Guilt. Pain. Her hand raised to her collarbone, grasping the fabric for a moment before she let it drop. She tried to cover it up, averting her eyes and turning slightly away but… Kriff she hadn’t expected that.
“Ah.. right.”
What did she say to that? It sounded like Evelyn was already working to move past it in her own way but… it stung. The reminder if nothing else.
Evelyn watched her carefully.
Well, that was a problem.
“Seems like you haven’t moved on. Lottson. You cannot let this eat you alive, ma'am. ”
Evelyn exhaled slowly through her nose as she leaned down to the toolbox, grabbed a wrench, and handed it to Zuza, “Will you help me?”
“Please.. don’t call me ma'am.” Zuza spoke perhaps too hurriedly. It didn’t usually bother her but off the back of that-
They didn’t trust her anyway or at least Socorra hadn’t. She took over the head of the DIA and didn’t know one of the highest profile cases-
“Sure I can help.” She avoided the initial statement otherwise, just sighing and taking the wrench, kneeling down with Evelyn. It wasn’t the first time she’d helped fix something up. Not that she was great at it but… enough to not hinder.
I"ll try.“ Evelyn will give her that much for now. "Come on.” She rested her back on the ground and pulled herself to underneath. It was littered with crystals from the war. It was noticeable that it was around her fuel line and was ever so slowly spreading.
“Do you know much about ships?” Evelyn asked.
Zuza was already in gear to get dirty in so didn’t hesistate to follow, slipping underneath a few feet away.
“I know enough to maintain one by myself but not big repairs really.” She admitted, avoiding looking over at Evelyn.
You cannot let this eat you alive.
She killed a friend. Her partner of the time’s brother. It was a betrayal and a kark up and everything all at the same time even if she was defending herself she should have found a way to- For it to be different.
“Well. This is the fuel line. The crystals seem to have a mind of their own. They are eating my ship alive. Are you aware to how powerful a single fuel line is to the entire ship?” Evelyn asked, before she glanced over to Zuza.
“Well yeah, the fuel line goes down and that’s the whole ship gone. Potentially in an explosion depending on how it goes.”
Zuza frowned up at the crystals, “I’m assuming there’s a way to remove them?”
“Entire new fuel line. Point is I’m not going to let this eat my ship alive and I am doing something about it. So what’s going happen to you when you do let it eat you alive?” Evelyn said pointedly as she started to get the screws off that is holding the line in place.
“You can start to why you think it’s eating you alive, Lottson.”
Zuza, in the terms Zig would find amusing to use, short-circuited. She frowned, opening her mouth a few times but finding no words and pressing her lips together.
“I know why.” She eventually mumbled, feeling choked. She wanted to run away but where to? Everywhere had somebody and she just didn’t want to kriffing worry anyone with-
“I should feel bad I- I didn’t want to kill him. I shouldn’t have but I just panicked.”
Even just that much and her chest clenched and Zuza started to shuffle back out from underneath the ship.
Evelyn grasped her arm and her leg went to over Zuza’s chest and in attempt to keep her from going anywhere.
“Stay here, Lottson. If you didn’t want to kill him, it sounds like it was you or him. Graham, if his mind is on it, he would’ve killed you. Let it keep eating you and you will explode.”
“He was my friend!” Zuza cried out, looking back at Evelyn and deftly evading the leg. For all Evelyn had in skill, Zuza was small and knew how to use it. She twisted, yanking her hand free with minimal pain to her wrist and scrambled out from underneath the ship.
She didn’t want to do this. Not here. Not ever.
“He wasn’t your friend if you two fough-” Evelyn growled as she tried to keep her hold on Zuza. When she escaped, Evelyn almost blurted out that he was her baby’s father but she kept it in. Her emotion jump almost let her slip something that she was wanting to take to the grave. Her hands grasped the end of her ship and she pulled herself out from underneath.
“If you don’t get your krist together and get some help, people around you will suffer, Lottson.”
“He was. He was Cole’s brother too and-” Her breath caught, forcing her to stop. To catch her breath.
The follow up stopped Zuza in her tracks.
She’d notice the way Cora and Ruka looked at her. The stress in her father’s face when they talked and she dodged around topics. When he’d asked about why she was wearing jackets so much on Selen of all places. In how Cole had looked at her when he saw she wasn’t eating.
“They hurt either way! It’s- I’m fine. I’m glad you’re not mad or anything and that you’re okay.” She started to walk away again,
“They hurting by your choices?” Evelyn asked.
“You are a liar, and I am not okay.” Evelyn remained seated on the ground by her ship after correcting her, glaring after Zuza.
“Well if I tell them then they worry and if I don’t they just-” She inhaled sharply, debating it. She could just run.
Not that that helped either. Zuza swiped at her eyes, drying them and then turning to face Evelyn for a moment before looking back to the floor.
“I.. I’m-”
She didn’t know what to say.
“Sit down.” Evelyn gestured to the side of her and reached over for a clean rag for Zuza. “Won’t grab this time, promise.”
This wasn’t what Zuza had expected or wanted from this. Shed just… wanted to clear the air on the fly. Check in. If they didn’t like her thats fine but this was too much.
A lot of things were too much though. She could still run.
She didn’t owe Evelyn her time, her thoughts.
Yet she still wandered over and sat down just out of arms reach of the other woman.
Evelyn stared at her for a bit longer before she gets back on the ground and back crawled back to under her ship.
“I’ve already said my piece. You can stay and help. If you are up for it, I can listen. You can always run off like you tried to do earlier.”
She started the process of removing the fuel line from her ship.
“You can ask questions as well. I may or may not answer.”
Zuza wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure why she was sitting down either.
Breathe. Slowly. The shock had knocked the wind out of her but she just had to catch it again and she’d be okay for everyone again.
“We.. me and Cole are only just really making.. friends again. Slowly. We…” she inhaled, “Hes not just forgiven me out of nowhere for it. We mightve dated back before then but that just makes it worse. I wouldn’t blame him if he still didn’t.” She fiddled with the rag. It was easier talking around the thing. It wasn’t about her but about Cole. Defending him which he deserved after so long alone.
Evelyn grunted as she ripped the fuel line off and tossed it away on the other side where she was, not where Zuza was.
“You … dated the younger Farrow? Honestly, I’m impressed.” Evelyn liked Graham more. She wasn’t sure if it was because…
“Sounds like he’s making progress though and you aren’t.” Evelyn started to break the crystals away that left it’s mark on her ship.
“..why?” Zuza asked, then laughed a little, “Well. I guess he’s kinda difficult to work with if you don’t catch him off guard.”
The follow up was painful to hear. She wasn’t even sure if it was true.
She didn’t answer it, “Sounds like you.. really liked Graham.”
It wasn’t a question but it redirected. Away.
“I did. He’s the only one besides my late wife that can make me laugh.”
Evelyn continued to chip away the crystals. If she wanted to keep redirecting that’s fine but eventually she’s going to run out or leave.
Oh. Kark.
She realised she was tearing the seams the rag and placed it in her lap, exhaling shakily.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
“I’m not. He made his choice. No reason to condemn him or you. I just keep the happy memories I have. That what sucks about memories, you can fly as far as you can but it’ll always be with you. It’s all how you handle it.”
She glared at the markings after removing crystals in one area.
“Like this ship. I removed the crystals but the markings are always there. But I’m going to get her up and running and she’s good as new but it will always be there. Now if I just left the crystals, it’ll eat her up and she’ll be in much worse shape and harm the pilot that flies her and the crew that happens to be in it.”
“I can’t just remove what happened. I already have my scars.” Zuza crossed her arms over her lap, foot tapping against the ground.
“I’m- they shouldn’t have to deal with my problems.” She eventually continued but came to a stuttering stop again.
“No. Markings or scars in this case, will always be there. But they can heal. Or be faded.”
Evelyn arms started to feel sore so she stopped chiseling for a moment to rest her arms.
“That’s the problem. You are right, they can’t deal with your problems. They are yours. But there’s nothing wrong for support and help.” She looked around to check the state of the bottom of her ship.
“Like this fuel line. It runs everything. But without wings, she won’t lift. Without the controls, she won’t be steered. It takes a lot to make a ship healthy and in good state. And it will take time. Some days it’s easier, other days the fuel is empty. Even for someone who is heavily therapied like me.”
She stopped for a moment then continued, “The day before Aketa died, we got into a huge fight, she left me to cool off, and it’s our last memory together. The next day it was war. I watched the Collective’s assault airship kamikaze’d into hers.” She started chiseling away again.
Karking stars.
She wanted to hug Evelyn but considering the moment wasn’t sure if that’d be appropriate. Or even.. possible considering positioning.
Zuza shifted uncomfortably, “She wouldn’t have wanted you to feel bad for that, you couldn’t have known.”
“And I’m certain Graham didn’t want you to continue on like this.” Evelyn pointed out.
“Did Graham died believing what he thought was right for his family? If yes, then he made his choice and he’ll do it again. Graham was always about family.”
Silver eyes… blonde hair. The way he looked at Myla. Evelyn swallowed bitterly as she hit a big chunk of the red crystals.
Zuza felt that she probably should have expected that flip.
But Evelyn was right.
Tears welled but the Human managed to blink them back, inhaling slowly despite the shake.
She’d killed so many people. It didn’t make that one any better. He was a friend. But she’d defend herself again too. The desire to run came back but Zuza forced herself to stay sat down.
“He almost killed me.” She spoke softly, intertwining her fingers together.
Evelyn stopped with the removal of the crystals. Her hands grasped the ends of her ship and pulled herself out again. She doesn’t look at Zuza, instead she looked at the downed ships around them. Parts everywhere. From frayed wires to pieces of the red crystals.
“You did what you had to do to stay alive. Here’s the thing, are you actually living?”
“I am! I have- kriff. I’ve got a whole new life. Well, not all new but its more than I ever could have imagined.” Zuza protested, exhaling hard after.
“It doesn’t stop things from mattering.”
New life. Hmm. That was one way of putting it. Evelyn gets it. Going from freelance to contract pilot to working under Rhylance and then military… her lives had been interesting.
She wouldn’t change any of it. Not even that night. Or the scary moments with Kadnikov. Or Rhylance’s professionalism. And Aketa’s death.
“Of course not. He did matter. So did Aketa, for example. But guess what Lottson, so do you. So do I. So the people around us. They matter. Are you going to be the red crystal in their lives or are you going to ask for help to remove them? Yea, it’ll leave a mark. I’m not going to lie. Some days are bad. But most days are good.”
Which is why I don’t tell them. To protect them.
She fiddled with the hem of her jacket’s sleeve. This had turned from trying to check in and make someone else feel better to being sat down and having it flipped straight back on her. Zuza didn’t like it.
“They all have enough going on. I know they’d listen but I don’t want to put it on them.”
“You are aware that we’re never going to not have enough going on. Not in the life we live.” Evelyn laid back down and pulled herself back under the ship.
“You’re an adult. You’re grown. You are making your choices. But you are being unhealthy about it and everyone will suffer worse because of it. My Siren Squad abilities and health suffered when I was not taking Aketa’s death well before I got some help. I may be biased, but my squardon is damn karkin’ good now.”
Zuza frowned at the floor.
It didn’t really feel like telling them would help. She stayed quiet for a few moments before sighing, shifting up to her feet.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone. Feels like I lose either way at that.”
“That feeling doesn’t go away. But I can say the support and them being so happy to be able to help you and find a way is a much easier pain to deal with than what you are doing now, Lottson.”
Evelyn sighed as she rose an eyebrow at seeing Zuza getting up on her feet. She reached up and yanked an infected metal plate away as a loud clang echoed across the hanger.
Zuza rubbed her arm, turning toward the noise.
So she just hurt people.
The tears welled up again, “I uh… need to fix my Speeder still.” She started walking away.
And if she didn’t start working on the speeder for an hour, well, no one was around to judge.