A soft flinch of her hand. A small whimper.
*She couldn’t find them. Her heart was beating fast. Where were they? Her family… Cole… friends. All of them. Even her sisters. In sheer panic, she turned her head and there was the entrance of that temple.
The very temple.
Sagitta hesitated. No. She needed to save them. She can’t hesitate.
The Mirialan ran into the temple and it was dark. She tripped and fell over something hard as she cried out in the dream when her body hit the ground. With a soft grown, her legs were slightly elevated. Was this a log? She looked over and saw Erin, one of her sisters. Eyes widen open. “No, no no no..” Sagitta cried as she held her close.
“Gitta!”
Asani. She kissed Erin’s forehead and set her down before running to the noise.
This room. She knew this room. Her hand instinctively went to her heart. Her eyes went to the floor and she saw her entire family. All dead. Wulfram. Lillian. Asani. Arden.
She couldn’t breathe.
Her chest was tight. Then she saw the priestess. A growl emerged from her throat.
She was going to kriffin kill her. She took a step and stopped when the priestess rose her dagger to kill Cole-
“No!”
Her body was slammed to the wall and Scimitar’s hand was around her neck and there was that cold evil smile when his other hand went straight for the stab in her chest-*
Sagitta whimpered while her body was tense, her breathing erratic.
Cole had woken up sharply, shifting to sit up. The memory of what had occured left quickly, he rarely remembered what terrors his dreams dragged to the surface. Not the details. The way his hands shook gave hint as to what it had been recalling tonight. Or maybe it didn’t. It was hard to truly tell, there’d been a flash of red. Either way he was in his own room and it didn’t take long for once for him to pull back to reality.
He was okay. It was late. The room was pitch black but there wasn’t silence as Sagitta whimpered.
It took a moment to recognise it in someone else, a quiet instinct wanted to take hold of her, to hold her close for comfort. But that wouldn’t be safe for either of them.
Shifting carefully, Cole pulled the blanket off of her, so she could get tangled.
“Sagitta.” He spoke firmly, not raising his voice but not using the usual hushed tones of one who was beside a sleeping person. The Human was tensed, ready to move if needed. Somehow he doubted she’d react as violently as he tended to but it wasn’t worth the risk.
Sagitta woke but not fully.
Sleep paralysis. The dream is a reality and the reality is a dream.
Another whimper. She couldn’t move. She can’t kriffin’ move. Fear and panic rose rapidly and she saw a shadow behind Cole. Her eyes widen as she wanted to call it out, Cole needed to protect himself, he needed to move-
WHY CAN’T SHE MOVE-
He saw her wake up. She.. was awake. And panicked, staring behind him.
Cole looked back, not seeing anything and then-
Sbed mentioned sleep paralysis. Kriff. Kriff.
He reached out and gently grasped her shoulder, figuring that it was safe if she couldn’t move, as awful as this was for her, “Sleep paralysis. Remember? Its not there. Look at me.”
His touch. Sagitta hissed through her teeth. Why can’t she move?
Cole called out to her. Sleep paralysis. Kriff.
Her eyelids closed as she tried to focus on her breathing. The fear and dread was still looming and she had to focus so hard on his touch on her shoulder. The dream aspect slowly slipped away as she opened her eyelids again. The shadow was gone and the terror was fading away.
She could move again.
“Kriff.” She muttered as she sat up and rubbed her face while her body trembled. “Kriff,” repetaed Sagitta as she was aiming to get out of the bed.
She didn’t look but she started calming and that was enough.
Eventually she was able to move and he shifted so she could get up, turning so that his legs were off the edge of the bed but remaining sat down for now.
There was a pause but Cole didn’t know where to begin in words to say. So he remained quiet, letting her burn off the energy.
Once she was out of bed, she started pacing. She felt like she couldn’t move so whenever this happened, she would immediately move around. To calm herself down and remove that horrid feeling.
Few more steps. “Spar?” She asked while she was pacing in his room. How late was it? Would he even agree to this? Everything was still so sensitive and tender but she needed to move and kriff being babied. She’s healed. She’s ready.
But he might not.
“I mean-” her pacing was getting faster, “if you’re too tired that’s fine. I can do something else. I would be fine with something else. I don’t want you to feel like you have to get up for this. You need sleep too. If you rather go back to sleep, that’s okay, I-” His room was too kriffin’ small for a faster pace as she exhaled sharply.
Why was her answer to everything sparring?
Cole spoke firmly after a few seconds, “Take a cold shower. Try that first.”
He was watching her, carefully. It was unlikely he’d be sleeping again after this. Between his own nightmare and hers.. yeah no. She didn’t need to know that, Sagitta would just worry, but it was a fact.
The Mirialan flinched at the idea of a cold shower hitting her skin. If she was swimming and the water was cold, that would hit differently. But no. A cold shower. She could see why he suggested it, it would shock the system and maybe help her focus to calm down. Maybe? She had never taken cold showers and didn’t know what to think of it.
One problem.
“I don’t want to be still,” muttered Sagitta as she continued to pace up and down in his room.
“You don’t have to be. It’s a shower, not a chair.” Cole pointed out.
“Either way, you can’t spar every time this happens.” It was harsh but it was a truth to him. He knew the feeling, he understood why, but the Human also knew you had to reign it in somewhat. The body was already tired and stressed, straining further was unhealthy.
It was what he’d been taught.
“May not be a chair. Still can’t move around that much. Limited movements. It’s limited. It’s not a very big shower,” Sagitta snapped.
Her eyes narrowed.
“Why the kriff not? It’s not dangerous, it’s not reckless. Kriff y-” She stopped when her voice was starting to rise. Small fast inhale and exhales can be heard through her nose as if she had been running.
Kriff. Anger. Was this what Atyiru was talking about? Was this really anger or did she feel the need to defend herself? Her arms crossed across her chest as she gripped her upper arm with her top hand roughly.
Cole’s eyes narrowed for a moment but he bit back the repsonse he wanted to give, taking a slow breath. Hold. Restraint.
He forcibily untensed his jaw, “You’re tired. You’re stressed and lashing out. It’s not reckless or dangerous but it shouldn’t take that to recognise when something isn’t a good idea.” It felt hypocritical, when he’d accepted the spar with Zuza the other day despite being in a far worse condition but… Well. He’d proven the point correct. He’d hurt Zuza past the stated boundary and completely lost control of himself. Sometimes it was good to spar but not always.
Sagitta stopped pacing.
His restraint wasn’t helping. She wanted more.
More what?
Her eyes snapped to his, “It shouldn’t take that to recognize, huh?” She felt the anger was still clawing. Desperately wanting to get out.
“Who are you to say what’s a good idea and what’s not? Not everyone is the same.”
“I’ve been having night terrors for twelve years. I’m sure you’re different but to outright refuse advice based on the shower being too small is stupid.”
He wasn’t awake enough for this. His tone remained even but Cole stopped making eye contact to try and at least somewhat detach. He was getting irritated which wouldn’t help.
So he added on, hastily, “If you want to go spar, I won’t stop you.”
Sagitta flinched as the anger lessened.
Twelve years.
Her jaw remained tight though.
‘Stupid’
Her eyelids closed as she was working on her breathing. She turned to pace but it was much slower and she only took two steps before she stopped. She was being illogical. Did she really refuse his suggestion because- By the stars. That was stupid.
Kriff. Without another word, Sagitta headed into his bathroom and closed the door. She turned on the water as she was doing all she can to ignore her body trembling.
There was no singing.
Sagitta stepped out, her hair up in the bun so it wouldn’t get wet, freshly dried. She glanced over towards Cole for a moment. “Do.. do you wish for me to go back to my room?” Her voice was soft. She wasn’t sure if he even wanted her to be here right now.
They weren’t even a thing.
Cole had gotten up, wanting to sort… something out but finding nothing and ending up sat back down on the bed, toward the end of it.
He wasn’t even sure what was going through his head. He was angry, but felt guilty for feeling angry. Yet that felt stupid. Why should he feel guilty?
Well. Cole knew why.
The silence coming from the shower was enough. While Sagitta often knew the exact words to say, he equally just never knew. While she comforted him, he often caused her to get upset or frustrated.
Sagitta came out the shower and he didn’t quite know what to say now either that wasn’t just logical. He stuck with it, though Cole reallly… doubted it was the best response.
Idiot.
“I’d.. prefer you stay. Though I understand if you’d rather not.”
Sagitta’s brows slightly furrowed as she approached Cole. She stood between his legs Her hands reached out as she gently ran her fingers through his hair. “What do you mean? I would always stay if I have the choice.” She smiled softly but she was worried about Cole.
“Are you okay?”
She bit her lower lip. Was… Did her anger upset him? Kriff. This was so difficult.
“I’m sorry. For being angry.”
“No. You don’t have to be sorry. I was just making sure, considering how angry you were.”
It wasn’t a lie. “Wed both just woken up, its okay. Do you feel better?”
Her hands dropped to his shoulder as she gave him a bit of a squeeze. Did…. he dodge her question?
She made a note to notice this from now on. Though whether she succeeded or not was another question. She does this time.
“Cole.” She stepped back and squatted down. She was trying to get eye contact with him. Her hands were now on top of his knees in a bit of help to keep her balanced and not falling over for possibly holding the squat for a while. “Are you okay?”
“You’re the one who had a nightmare Sagitta, you haven’t upset me.” He looked up to meet her gaze, a hand reaching out to steady her. “Why are you asking?”
Sagitta paused for a moment as she was trying to remember things more clearly. Everything since she got back from the hospital.
“I-” She stopped. The memory of the beeping droid and Cole’s attempt to shut it up worked. Then she asked if he was okay and instead of answering he kissed her and they-
Rage was building up again along with embarrassment. She was so stupid. How could she be so idiotic?! She let that pass!?
Just how much more blind had she been-
The hotel. The question about him being poisoned.
Kriff. Kriff.
“Stop. Dodging. My questions, Cole. Kriff. Stars. How many questions did you dodge? I- I can only remember two. Ah. Kriff.” She stood up and sat down by him. “I hate myself right now, for being so stupidly blind about this.” Then she shook her head, “No. Right now, what’s eating you, Cole?” The tone of her voice showed she wasn’t going to let this go. At all.
“What-” Cole shifted slightly as she moved, defensive. Guilty. It was something he did on instinct, to navigate situations in his favour.
She wasn’t stupid for that.
But now she was directly asking him and he didn’t even know. Another nightmare, it wasn’t different to any of the others he’d had in the last decade and beyond.
Without even realising it, he managed to dodge the question again, “I was just tired, I had only just woken up when I realised you weren’t okay. You don’t have to hate yourself- kriff sagitta.”
He resisted the urge to stand up for now.
Two choices. She can let it go or push it.
She had been letting it go when she did notice it once or twice in the past.
She wanted to respect his boundaries. He was a private person and Sagitta was trying to understand it and learning his space. Was all the letting go she did end up with her nearly losing Cole? A part of it at least?
Two choices, her brain reminded her.
She chose the latter. She needed to figure this out, somehow. Ignore everything he said. Get back to the point.
“Are you okay?” She repeated.
Cole blinked a few times. Instinct said to say yes, but inherently he knew that was a lie. He couldn’t expect her to be honest if he wasn’t. Why was she so intent on this though?
“I’ve been better?” He eventually answered, “I’m not exactly sure what you.. want here. Or are expecting.”
Did she want him to.. share nightmare stories? Surely thatd be the last thing Sagitta would want to hear about? Shed bothered him but he wasn’t angry at her.
“I just don’t want you to feel like you have to hide from me. I ..ah.” Sagitta sighed softly, “We’re two different people and I get that. And I’ll keep doing all I can to respect your privacy but…” She paused, she wanted to be clear.
“It isn’t just this time. I’m not expecting much, I just - hmm.” She reached over and grabbed his hand gently. “This isn’t the first time I asked if you were okay and you dodged it like it was nothing. A more serious one was…. ah. Kriff. The day before you nearly killed yourself.” The image flashed in her mind but she kept on going, “I asked if you were okay and you-” She cleared her throat. “I should’ve focused on you and I’m sorry. But no more dodging.”
She took in a deep breath, “Tell me about the attack.”
How was that not expecting much?!
“You were going through your own kist You were right to ask but it didn’t mean I-”
I what? Want to look weak? To become vulnerable.
“That I wanted to take focus away. You died Sagitta. I got stabbed, its happened before.” Cole spoke dismissively, slipping back into debrief mode as he described the events. “Schuttas jumped me, stabbrd me in the back and got me again during the figjt after I stabbed one of them with it. Two of them are dead now and the other one is going through the courts last I heard. It was a close call but its why I train like I do. You think it was callous to teach a four year old to shoot, to fight, but that was why.”
Cole had to stop himself from letting his leg bounce. It was a simple question really but.. it was pointed. At him. Not at what happened or a generality. Him. It was uncomfortable.
Sagitta had to keep her emotions down.
“We’re both going through a lot, Cole, it’s not just my own.” Sagitta pointed out. It was going to be hard for her to see that he needed to take care of himself too.
Two different galaxies they were.
“I did die, yes. You did get stabbed and you have been stabbed before, yes. It doesn’t make it any less scary. I’m here.” She squeezed his hand, “I’m alive and I’m here. My chapter isn’t over and neither is yours.” She frowned when he mentioned the attack.
It wasn’t what she was looking for.
“Four years-” She stopped herself.
That karkin bastard is lucky he’s dead, what the kriff She cleared her throat. Put that away. Not the point. He brought it up before and she still hated it. At least it was just shooting and not killing at a young age.
“What was it about that attack that rattled you? Something got to you and it wasn’t the Envoy mission.”
He shifted. Ah. So that was the specific thing.
Cole didn’t want to talk about it. At all. Yet he felt almost as if he were there again. His shoulders tensed, despite his efforts to keep up the calm.
“It wasn’t the attack itself. Id rather.. not. Sagitta.” Coles voice echoed the same tension. “I don’t need pity, or some sad looks or kriffin, doctors trying to say I’m messed up. I’m managing it.”
His expression shifted after the last sentence. That management had gone so well. Alter before it came across as lying.
“Trying, more so.”
She felt the tension.
She finally found it.
Her eyebrow rose. “I won’t pity you. Or give you a sad look. Ah. And I am no kriffin’ doctor.” She wanted to respect him. He said he rather not.
But it was exactly the rather not that had maybe or possibly got him in a bad situation with his blaster and fighting Zuza.
He won’t let go so she needed to find another way in, “Why do you feel like you have to manage it?”
“What-?”
Cole looked at her, confused. What kind of question was that?! Why were they doing this? She was the one waking up kriffing paralysed but his.. managing himself was the question here?
“How is that relevant? Its safest, to put it simply, but I’m not sure how you got to that from asking what rattled me.”
The Human finally stood up, agitated. He didn’t pace but it was some distance. A way to hide his face.
“You wanted me to improve and stop lying. Kriff, I am trying.”
She stopped but she got up too. She doesn’t close the gap or distance. She stood by the bed. “Your management isn’t working. You can’t shove everything down. I would say it’s been eating at you for years, and that attack-… it brought everything up, didn’t it?”
Then she added, “Don’t get me wrong, I am guilty. I am so kriffin guilty and I know that. But your way isn’t healthy either. Emotions are strength. They are what drives us.”
She exhaled sharply, “I confessed how I feel about you. I’m terrified of losing you. If something got you rattled and eating at you from the inside, I -”
She paused for a moment before looking at him. “I’m at risk of losing you, aren’t I?”
“No.” Cole said firmly. “Not- not now.”
He trailed off. She was right about the stuff before though.
“I don’t want to hurt you. And.. I thought you’d be fine. You have people, plenty of them but now I know that itd still-” he inhaled, pausing for a moment. Calm.
You’re exposed.
He glanced around the room as he began again, “I’m not going to hurt you. Not like that. But its also not your responsibility to manage me. I should be able to do that.”
and yet. Still pathetic. Weak. Shut up. Telling her defeats the point of everything else.
“I managed it all before. There’s.. no reason that should change.”
Unless you got weaker. Clearly you have.
Sagitta winced. She was hurting him. And knowing this, it was hurting her.
Push it down.
“I wouldn’t be fine.” She said honestly. “I would think I failed. I would live with that for the rest of my life. Of what could’ve been. I…. It didn’t happen.”
He looked around the room as she frowned. What … was he looking for. “No, it’s not my responsibility but I am here to help. We’re not partners and I get that but we’re friends and I’ll be damned if I don’t help a friend. You helped me. You saved me. You make me laugh and smile when we have our moments. You are helping me through my withdrawals and all the fears I am facing. Let me help you. Let me save you. You picked me up from the ground and now let me pick you up from the ground.”
She closed the gap and grasped his hand, “Let me in, Cole. Changes are scary but they aren’t all bad.”
“I shouldn’t need saving.” Cole spoke, voice quiet.
“Youre.. normal. Enough. You were brought up as normal as you could have been. Same as your sisters. Same as Zuza. It.. isn’t that simple. Or it wasn’t, for me. I shouldn’t need that. I was trained to be better than that.”
He didn’t pull his hand away. He didn’t want to hurt her. The other avenues for avoiding that were draining away but he couldnt pull away. She was just trying to help.
“They might be dead but it doesn’t mean i don’t still try.”
Cole doubted hed earned his father’s pride but then again he never had. It wasn’t so different.
“Than everyone else. Our enemies. You.. never know who it’ll be until you do.”
They weren’t his words. It was something his father had told Graham once, when Graham had asked why they had to be the best. It has been a joking remark but the response held a gravity neither of them expected. It was true though.
Cole knew he’d gotten lucky with Sagitta but it wasn’t like he’d had potential lovers even for a single night pull a blade on him.
Sagitta grimaced at his last words. You never know who it’ll be until you do.
He’s not wrong.
“No, but you can’t constantly live as everyone is an enemy. That’s no way to live life.” She sighed softly as she gently moved her hand and started to intertwine their fingers. “I… I’ve been told I trust too easily and I have an open heart. That is why when people hurt me, it really hurts. But I wouldn’t change it. I’m not saying trust or open your heart to everything, but you can’t constantly live your life thinking everyone is an enemy.”
She exhaled. Kriff. Talking was harder. Actions were easier.
“I’m saying you can talk to me. All this managing that you are doing-” She paused as she remembered something he said earlier, “Try what?”
“Its not about getting hurt its.. survival.” Cole frowned. It sounded wrong out loud. He was uncomfortable. She cut off very suddenly but the switch didn’t make things better. He wanted to disappear.
Try what.
He knew what. But he thought it over and suddenly it felt like too much. Everything was. He glanced round again, processing the lack of anything being present beyond what should be despite not intentionally doing the motion.
“Try to still be better. Make them proud. Kriff that sounds karking childish-” he switched tones as quickly as he said the words, breaking the hand hold to take a step away, running a hand through his hair.
Sagitta let him break the hold as she stood there. If he didn’t want her touch then she wasn’t going to force it upon him.
“It doesn’t.” She smiled at him. A soft and calm one. There must be much more than that if he thinks making them proud beyond the Force was childish. “It doesn’t sound childish, I mean. I’m here and trying to make you proud. Buirs proud. My sisters proud. The entire Voidbreaker II members proud. Marick and Atty proud.” She exhaled. The list was longer but it would have to do.
“My point is, it’s not childish. But I do wonder.. what does it take to make them proud? For you to be shut off? To think everyone is an enemy?”
There was so many. How did she keep up? He couldn’t even manage the expectations of one kriffing man, how could she hold so many that close? It isn’t fair.
Kriff. What did it take?! For kists sake-
“I don’t know.” Cole snapped, catching himself a moment too late and withdrawing. His voice hadn’t raised but the tone was frustrated, the word know sharp and decisive in a way he usually didn’t inflect words. The shadows felt like they were glaring at him. Looming from the corners. Staring. It was just them two he knew that; He still wanted to turn the lights on though. Yet Cole wasn’t sure how he’d reason it. It was illogical. Unnecessary. Ignore it or that would be on this list of questions. What happened if he directly asked to stop? No. Can’t do that.
It was a slip back into the instinct of a solider. Dont question orders or questions. Your job to handle them. If its a confirmed ally at least. If enemy, handling isn’t answering but putting an end to the life asking the question.
His mind flashed back to the hospital where the request had been accepted unquestioned. Even protected when Noga, who wasn’t aware of it, almost turned them back off. Why did that make his throat feel dry?
He held his hands at his sides, remaining still despite.. this. The snap was a failure but he was trying to maintain a coolness. Calm. He might not be able to question it but he could redirect maybe. Close things off without upset. “We should be going back to bed.”
Sagitta heard the snap and the strain in his voice. Quiet and stillness fell into the room and it bothered Sagitta. But she had been through silence many times with Cole. This… was just slightly different. She waited because she wanted to give him time.
‘We should be going back to bed.’
That… was not what she expected but it didn’t surprise her. Has she pushed too much? Not enough? Did she need to push some more? She was terrified of pushing anymore, terrified to lose him. He could easily cut her off. She felt trapped between wanting to help him and fear.
“Okay,” mumbled Sagitta as she reached up and freed her hair from the top bun she had earlier to keep her hair dry in the shower. Since she sleeps between the wall and Cole, she crawled in first and laid on her side to give more room.
He let out a soft sigh, though it sounded off. Shuddering.
Kriff he’d just wanted to help her and now all of this was sitting on the surface. Clawing. His eyes burned slightly, and Cole blinked hard to clear the sensation.
Cole got into bed after her, laying down on his side but knowing he wouldn’t sleep. His body was stiff, too still. It wasn’t comfortable but he’d rather she fall asleep again than him find the right spot to just in and lay aimlessly in anyway. Kriff.
He mumbled, guilt rearing its head and feeing the need to say something at least, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Despite it, Cole knew he was. He could tell in her posture. The way she just meekly accepted that they should sleep. He couldn’t tell why but the sudden switch wasn’t her acquiesing because she didn’t want to know. It was what he wanted to happen but it hurt her and he didn’t want that. Nothing fitted together anymore. It didn’t make sense. It hadn’t for a long while. But now it was hurting someone he cared for.
When he laid down on the bed and on his side, her lips frowned. She… didn’t want him to lay on the side but she’ll leave it be. Scooted a bit closer, her arm went around his torso. She could feel how tense he was as her eyelids closed.
She wasn’t going to sleep if he wasn’t. What was she doing wrong? What was he hiding? How much was he burying? He spoke up and her eyelids opened. He would feel her shift behind him as she put her weight on her other elbow. Then soon after, a soft kiss at the side of his neck, slightly under his ear.
“And I don’t want to hurt you…” Pulled back, she laid back down. Her arm on his side squeezed gently. She started to think about her relationships with others and grimaced.
“I -ah.” She wondered if she should continue.
Well if they weren’t going to sleep, might as well.
“Growing up, Buir was perfect to me. Everything he did, it was all right and there was nothing wrong in it. He taught me quick, clean, and merciful. Now I know killing isn’t… merciful but it was more of don’t torture people more than it’s needed. Clean deaths. That’s what I was taught. That’s what he taught me. Along with many others but it - ah. They aren’t the point at the moment.”
She took in a deep inhale, “Several months ago, my view of him, the perfect Buir I thought I knew was shattered.” She grimaced. It was then she had moved out of their home and into the barracks at the Citadel for a while before being assigned at the voidbreaker. “Remember when we found out we both were on Voidbreaker? That spar? I called myself a hypocrite and you asked why? I said I had choice and decided to run instead of facing evils?”
“Ah.” She exhaled, “Instead of facing that pain and hurt, I ran here. I ran to join House Qel-Droma instead of House Galeres which is what my family works for now. I don’t regret my decision now but there’s a lot of things I regret.” She shook her head and exhaled sharply at herself.
“Point is… connections are beautiful. Wonderful. Joyous. Painful. Despair. Worry. Gorgeous. It goes on. Cole, we’re human. There’s…. ah. Our chapter will have some obstacles. Some of them we can easily just step over. Others… hmm.” She squeezed him softly, “There’s always going to be some hurt at some point or another. We’re kriffin humans. it’s what we do that’s important. I just… want to help you because kriff, you saved me more than once.”
She had to fight to bring up that she had fallen for him. He already knows. No need to bring that up now.
Because she loved him. Hed heard her. In some level he loved her too. He wasn’t secure enough to say it. Cole didn’t want to judt say it because he was worried about her or truing to reciprocate out of feeling a need to rather than want. It was there. He wanted to protect her.
“I.. I know. Kriff, its the same. I want to protect you. I keep.. kriffing up and hurting you instead. But it works out in some ways but it still…” he sighed, bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know how to talk about these things. I care for you, I don’t want to shut out but I don’t want to talk about these things. Failings. Weaknesses. I know that you won’t tell. You won’t use them but its still… wrong.”
He shifted, uncomfortable still.
So much was wrong.
Sagitta kissed the back of his shoulder softly to show that she was still there. “Then I’ll wait. However long it takes… ah. I’m here,” She squeezed his side gently, “and I’ll wait. Just will get one thing clear right now. You succeeded so much and you’re still strong. You’re here with me after all. If you were a failure and weak, I wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be in my arms.”
One step at a time. Some days she’ll push and other days she’ll leave it be. She had so many questions but true to her word, she’ll be patient.
As much as that sucks.
“Wait.. for me tell you random kriff I think is normal and you’ll look at me as if I was raised by a monster.” Cole sighed.
“Ask one now, while we’re awake. Ill.. do my best. Yeah?”
It was a start.
Sagitta flinched. Well. He wasn’t wrong. She really does wonder if he had been raised by some heartless asshole.
She cleared her throat softly, “I’ll… try not to give that look. It’s just- …what little I do understand, I don’t want to put any child through that so the fact that you did angers me and breaks my heart.”
‘Ask one now’
Sagitta paused. There was so many. Maybe she could try something that might be less painful? Who was she kidding, this was going to hurt him, one way or another.
“What was Graham like?” Her voice was soft and gentle. Curious as well.
“It was necessary.” Hed murmured in the moment before she asked.
Graham.
“He was an ass.” Cole chuffed slightly. He was almost glad it was this question. It was easier than any others she could have asked. “He was stronger than me, physically. Good with people. He was loud. Laughed loudly, spoke loudly. Everything was loud about him. He.. looked more like our mother. But he was stubborn too. More so than I am. He didn’t control himself as much. We.. were a team. We couldn’t always trust our father to be there but if something happened we’d have each others back. Unless one of us did something really stupid. Even then, kriff, we’d still end up saving each others ass half the time.”
He trailed off then, going quiet. Then there was the other half.
Cole swallowed, closing his eyes.
He remembered watching the footage. He hadn’t wanted to. If Cole had been there maybe… if he hadn’t ever brought zuza back or had refused. Been more stubborn against his father. He could have done something. He did nothing. They’d watched the footage until it showed himself discovering the body.
He felt sick again.
Sagitta listened as she smiled softly. Graham sounded like quite a character.
He got quiet. She expected that. She asked something that he obviously really loved and cared about. She kissed the back of his shoulder again before snuggled up against him.
“Sounds like we would’ve gotten along.” Her hand reached up to his arm and slid down to find his hand as she squeezed his hand gently. “Thank you.”
“He’d have found you funny. Liked the fact you can hold your own.” He murmured, squeezing her hand back and pulling her arm round him a little more. Holding her hand against his chest.
“It shouldn’t be that hard, should it?” He sounded bitter. Quiet.
Sagitta felt sadness for him. She snuggled up against him and her fingers moved gently, stroking his chest. She gave another reassuring kiss at the side of his neck before getting comfortable.
She couldn’t answer. How can she answer? Thank you for answering the kriffin question, here have some more pain-
“Grief…is weird. Sometimes it’s light as a feather when talking about them. Other times it’s heavy. It’s.. healthy that it’s hard. Means you miss them.”
He’d failed them. But he swallowed that back. Logically, Graham was the only death he could have actually prevented. His father and Corvo, his friends.. kriff he was shot in the face. He felt guilt but it wasn’t as sharp.
He wanted her to know that was why. That it wasn’t just cause he missed his brother, but the guilt. The words never came though. Cole couldn’t face it, talking about it. Knowing she’d try and comfort him or tell him different.
He didn’t end up responding at all, instead just shifting to turn over and face her, making sure her arm remained free before drawing her close against him.
Sagitta slightly leaned back a bit for him to reposition. She gave Cole a reassuring smile when they were face to face.
He pulled her close and she obliged. Her hand went over his face as she gently stroked his cheek.
He closed his eyes for a moment as she did.
“I was supposed to be the one comforting you. Did.. you feel better after the shower?” His eyes opened again, blue meeting pink. Worry creasing his brow. Hed forgotten entirely for a few minutes there.
Sagitta opened hers when he spoke and she nodded softly. “A little bit. Yes.”
Then a small giggle as she got up slightly and kissed his forehead before laying back down. “If you worry too much you’ll have wrinkles before you get old,” she teased softly.
Cole chuckled slightly, sighing and forcing himself to relax. She wasn’t wrong but it was probably too late for that.
“Was hoping my hair would go silver first. Itd suit me fine.”
Sagitta paused for a moment before running her fingers through his hair. “Hmmm.”
She scooted back and tilted her head back before smirking, “Yes. You would be quite the silver fox.”
His eyes fluttered slightly at the sensation of her fingers across his scalp. It was nice. Just… pleasant tingles.
“I think so. And I should go silver. My father was and its very similar to how his was. Colour wise. Something to look forward to.”
Sagitta continues to run her fingers through his soft hair. “That does sound good. Hmmm. I wonder what mine will be like. Will it stay purple? Or will I have some whites or silvers.” Sagitta mused.
Glad good handsome genes is possibly what all Cole got from his father. I hope.
“I think you’d suit either.” Cole murmured, letting himself start to relax. He still wasn’t anywhere near tired enough to sleep. But at least he wasn’t watching the shadows now. They didn’t feel quite as oppressive.
Sagitta grinned, “you really think so?” Then she laughed softly, “let’s hope we have about good 30 years before worrying about-“ she stopped.
We’re they musing about their futures? This was good.
She cleared her throat while still stroking his head gently, silky strands ran through her fingers,”before we worry about such thing.”
“Mm. Never know. Knew a guy who was thirty and he was already going grey. He dyed it but he complained enough we all knew anyway.” Cole had opened his eyes kn her clearing her throat.
It was a bit odd.
“That is true. Some people get it earlier than others. Guess we’ll stick around and find out.” Her hand was getting tired so she slid her hand to his cheek before giving him a soft peck on the lips.
Then a mischievous giggle.
“So in horror movies, how do you feel about people running around in a house full of many possible weapons and going up the stairs?”
His expression went from calm and passive to a vague frown of annoyance very quickly. Coles eyes narrowed, sighing heavily.
He just stared at her.
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you.”
Sagitta heartily laughed a bit harder before going back to soft giggles.
She pulled him close, “Okayyyyy. I’ll behave.”
He shifted, arm looping around her waist.
She was smiling. It was enough.
Cole rested his chin on the top of her head.
Sagitta smiled as she rested there. Then her face muscles started to relax slowly.
She couldn’t sleep. If he can’t, neither can she.
It wasn’t long before the lights underneath the door flickered.
“I -ah. I know you don’t like the idea of sparring right now but- ah. Zuza mentioned something is going to happen. Something about some real kark is coming.” She sighed softly. “I sort of noticed. It’s… eerie. I can sort of feel it in the-” Her face scrunched up a bit, “Force.”
She pulled back slightly and stroke his hair softly again. “I don’t know about you but I really want to train. I haven’t trained since I got out of the hospital and I’m not sitting on the sidelines when krist hits the fan.”
He hadn’t managed to settle. Cole had spent the time listening to the noises of the ship. People moving. Engine noise.
The fact Sagitta’s breathing didn’t slow. He felt guilty when he realised she hadn’t slept at all, her response to the lights coming on was too immediate.
“It was sparring right then.” He replied, “Youre calmer now. We could if you wanted to.”
Her flinch last night rose to mind as he questioned that. Did she really want to spar him?
Sagitta slightly pouted. Did he always have to be right?
“Alriiiiight. Good point. And yes, I want to. Are you up for it?”
“I think so.”
Cole was.. honestly not certain.
“I can always tap out if not. I’m in a better place to.. well. Manage myself.”
Sagitta nodded softly.
Her lips opened as laughter escaped.
“I think… you’ll have to release me if you want to go spar,” Sagitta giggled as she gently raised her head to give him a kiss on the jawline.
“Mm.” Cole hummed, considering and pulling her closer. He pressed his lips to hers. Shed given a lot of kisses, it felt right to return them.
Though it also planted a very different idea for a spar in his head.
Sagitta returned the kiss, not minding it all.
A few moments later, she broke. She had a warm smile. Her eyebrow rose playfully at him, “Hmmm. Maybe we should warm-up? First? It would be good. Minimize the chances of a pulled muscles.”
“Mhm?” Cole smiled, kissing her neck before asking.
“What muscles do you want to focus on first?”
His hand slid down her side, stopping on her hip and gripping her. Pushing slightly, seeing if she’d resist being put on her back.
She often did but it was part of the game.
Sagitta could feel every sense on her body becoming alive as he kissed her neck. “Hmm that’s a -Heeeeeyy” She laughed as she felt the push, but she wasn’t going give in that easily.
Her hands went to his shoulder in attempt to push him back but he was ready as he grabbed her wrist and planted it by her hip before succeeding in having her on her back. Her face became hot while she fought down a yelp. She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction that early.
Sagitta pouted playfully. “Oh. It’s on.”
Cole was getting dressed, buttoning up his shirt and leaning back against the desk.
Hed shower when they’d sparred, though he had of course done a basic clean up. It just felt silly to fully wash and the train and need to wash again straight after.
After using the bathroom and washed her hands, she stepped out and smiled at Cole. With a bit of hop his way, she pecked his lips before finding her clothes and got dressed. Simple tank top with pants.
“Hmmm. Hope I remember to stop by my room later to get some clothes…” she was more talking to herself to try to make a note.
“Ready?” Asked the Mirialan as she stood by the door and waited for Cole.
“Noted.” Cole spoke, knowing she probably wouldn’t. He sorted his collar out and then nodded, “Yea.”
The pair headed out, to the elevators and below.
Once they were in, she was glad no one was around. She paused for a moment as she remembered spying on them. Kriff. She felt bad for invading the privacy like that but if she had a chance to do it all over again, she would.
Or Cole wouldn’t be-
With a clear of her throat, she looked over to him. Her hands rose as she started to gather the strands of her hair to put into a top bun, “What you got in mind?”
“Well, a spar?” Cole raised an eyebrow, “Why, did you want to do some ranged training or..?”
He assumed she wanted to do melee. Hand to hand as they often had.
She managed the top bun but it was a bit messy with her wavy hair. Ah well. Noticed the tone of his voice, she glanced at him, “Well-” She paused for a moment. “Before I sort of explain it, do you feel like there’s something coming too? Real bad? Sort of a… battle or … yea. Something like that.” Sagitta, while had been in many frays and fights, she never experienced anything of the sort when being part of a Clan.
“The clan has been preparing for something. Its too quiet. Despite how many postings are still active. Id say somethings coming.” Cole agreed, sighing slightly. “We want to be at our best, id suppose. If its like last…” he trailed off, “Well. It’ll be a war. Not just a battle.”
The Mirialan grimaced as she rubs her hands roughly without thinking. “Yea! That’s what I mean. Okay, so I want to try to cover many bases as possible. You know, close combat, weapons, shooting…” Then she paused for a moment before looking around and back to Cole, “How… how bad is war? I mean, it’s one thing hearing about it and another actually being there.”
“I wasn’t part of the larger battles. Was sent on an assassination mission. Came back toward the tail end of the attack on Selen.” Cole sighed, “It took days to count the dead. Longer to identify them. I think Zuza was on the ground, many were. At least this time we know its coming. We didn’t before.”
He headed toward the sparring matts.
“But I’ve been in smaller scale battles. Half the reason you live is skill. Patience and experience. The other half is getting lucky someone doesn’t kark up and get you killed that you don’t expect to. It won’t be glamorous. Its survival.”
Sagitta followed as she listened. “Yea. Okay. Let’s do this.” Then she paused for a moment. “There’s… a Force ability that I wish to work on as well if it’s okay with you. Patience and experience, so I need more experience with the ability I have.” Once they were on the mats, she shifted weights on her knees back and forth few times to get some mobility in and prepare herself in case Cole attempts a surprise attack.
Cole wanted to question what ability but figured itd be better practise for him if he didn’t know. Though he doubted hed have any hopes of winning if she was invoking the force, it was still more realistic.
“Smart. Go for it.” Cole settled in the flexible stance of Shadow step, though it wasn’t really recognisable as a specific stance.
Sagitta nodded and figure to start off with few close combat. Her entire body weight shifted forward to the right and made it convincing for her to hook him with the right but at the last second she attempted to uppercut at his ribs with her left fist.
Cole saw it coming, kriff he even made a decent step back to avoid the blow, having noticed the feint long before she shifted into it. His hand reached out but she still caught him in the ribs.
It threw him off, unbalanced and his next strike toward her wrist went far off target.
Sagitta brought her arm close to her and her elbow was bent as she attempted to struck down the hand that was going for her wrist before bringing it around and upwards to strike him in the jaw.
He was still unbalanced, Cole felt the impact of her fist against his jaw.
Kriff.
He stepped back, trying to reorient himself after the punch. This was going incredibly poorly. He cringed internally, frustration building. She was better at this than him but it shouldn’t be this easy dammit.
Sagitta took the chance as she dropped down, her hands on the mat, weight on one leg as the other went to sweep him onto his back.
Still recovering, he didn’t have the chance to dodge the kick. Cole hit the floor with a rough thud but it didn’t stop him from utilising his own legs, kicking at her ankle from the floor.
Sagitta grunted as she landed on the mat as well. Her body turned to the side and faced him. She brought her knee back and aimed for a kick right at his midsection/side of ribs (depending how he’s on the floor).
It hit his side and he hissed, shifting to sit up and kicking out wildly to try and create a gap.
Cole set his jaw, clenching it and forcing himself to not show the annoyance. She was doing well. He was just…
Well.
This had always been Graham’s thing.
His foot hit her jaw as she moved back. It was a small kick and wasn’t enough to stun her. The Mirialan sat up as well and tackled Cole onto the mat.
“Kriff-” Cole was tackled, but he did bring his knee up and slammed it into her crotch.
Sagitta yelped softly. Kriff. That was going to leave a bruise but she quickly straddled him and her arm went for underneath his chin to go for a choke hold.
He managed to duck under it and elbowed her in the neck, trying to make her pull back to make an exit.
Not that Cole thought he could but it was worth a shot.
Sagitta saw it coming as she went back and slid off of him to his side, tried to grabbed his arm, her feet attempted to be at his ribs so she can put his arm into a lock and away from his fists.
Cole shifted up, escaping the lock and moving to grab her arm instead, to pin her down and 180 the situation.
Sagitta let out a surprised yelp when she landed on the floor on her belly. Knocked the wind out off for a moment. He pinned her arm on the ground and with her being on the belly.
Should she….
No. This wasn’t survival.
She huffed as she tapped on the mat to let him know that she was tapping out.
“Thst.. was lucky on my part. Kriff.” He let her go, letting himself pant slightly now as he shifted back on his heels and stood up.
His ribs hurt.
Sagitta laughed as she huffed before getting up. “Not lucky, it was good. Smart.”
Her eyebrows rose at Cole.
She caught her breath for a bit. “You noticed we both improved? We lasted longer this time.” Her hand went to her shoulder as she swung it a few times.
“Need me to heal you?”
They hadn’t really. It was about the same. He inhaled, letting the breath out slowly.
“No I’m good. Were.. you using the Force? You were a lot better, faster, stronger.”
“I-what-” She looked at him slightly shocked. “N-no. That- ah.” She cleared her throat. Organize her thoughts. “That wasn’t the ability I was thinking of. I haven’t got around needed to use it yet…” Her brows furrowed and she became uncomfortable when she remembered what the medic said.
Her arms crossed and she was starting to close off. She shivered a bit.
That was not how she wanted to get stronger. Kriff. Kriff that … ugly bas-
She exhaled sharply. Nausea was building.
“It’s getting cold in here.” She cleared her throat. “Okay. Let’s go for another round. With weapons or…” Sofila trailed off.
“Might help create the situation if I know what it is.” Cole commented. He watched her carefully. She was hugging herself. Breathing weird. He hadn’t hit her in the chest.
“Do you need to take a break? Its not cold at all, so… you might want to wait it out. Rather than forcing it.”
“It’s…” She exhaled sharply and grimaced at the idea of waiting it out. “I don’t want to wait out a withdrawal, Cole.”
She wouldn’t had the choice. She knew that he wouldn’t let it pass so she sat down on the mat with a frustrated huff and rubbed her hands while shivering slightly.
“Ah um. It’s a barrier. A … Force barrier. I haven’t used it that much,” explained Sofila. Might as well talk to him about it and try to get her mind off of things.
He decided to not argue a point she had already conceded to by sitting down. Was he supposed to do something? Was she actually cold?
They hadn’t brought jackets.
“Might be worth trying with me throwing things at you, rather than sparring fist to fist then.” Cole suggested, moving to sit down beside her. Close. He wasn’t sure if he should hug her for warm or not? His ribs ached slightly as he sat down but he left it. If he needed just that healing immediately than how the kriff would he handle taking an injury in the field?
How the kriff was she going to live if one of these came up while she was fighting?
Or if she lost her kist and dove into the dark.
He clenched his jaw, unsure how to bring it up. Shed hate him for it but it was a genuine concern.
Sofila rested her head on his shoulder as she brought her legs up to her body and wrapped her arms around it. She was doing her best with the shivering.
“Yes… but it can also be used in close combat, I"m just not used to finding an opening for that. I need that practice too. And remember, I have an ability that Marick also has, we can recharge our Force batteries so to speak… so if you want me to heal you, I can do that.”
She noticed the worry look.
There was a bit of a pause as she rose her head and looked at Cole. “What is it?”
“I’m fine.” Cole spoke, truthful in it. In his opinion at least. It was just a bruise.
He looked at her and sighed. There was a moment of debate before Cole decided to just ask. Shed likely yell at him for it but if she was directly and consistently going to ask him what he was thinking every kriffing time he looked mildly more stressed, but also didn’t want him to hold stuff back, then kriff it. “Are you actually safe to go into combat like this? Not just because you want to fight, but actually safe to fight.”
It was brutal but he’d been thinking it since they spoke to Marick and Atty.
Sofila’s jaw harden as she looked away and straight ahead. “Right now? No,” Sofila spoke through gritted teeth.
She hated it. Those words felt like poison on her tongue and it made her sick.
“But the battles aren’t here. Not yet. I’m determined and aiming to have them less. I know…it’s going to take time but they will get less. It should get easier.” She rubbed her arms while her teeth chattered now and then.
“Right?”
“Eventually.” Cole said. He didn’t sound any different however.
“I don’t know for sure. I’ve never experienced anything like that.”
He was more worried about her running ahead. Ignoring the warning signs in favour of protecting someone.
Hold.
“Just be careful? Kriff, if it means sitting out for an hour while you have a moment like this. Or just- the drug bust. Running into blaster fire won’t save anyone but the enemy. Shaking or not.”
He was scared of her dying. Cole had known that since he was informed that she was in hospital. Kriff it hadn’t even been 2 weeks since then and yet… so much had happened. He didn’t want to lose her. He didn’t want to restrict her either, nor for her feel guilty any time she went into a combat in case he kriffin offed himself over her.
He wasn’t even sure what about that was exaggeration. Was any of it?
Sofila rested her head on her arms and focused on the breathing. It was getting less. She was ignoring the wants of something. Her head turned to look at Cole when he asked her to be careful. Even brought up the drug bust.
She was quiet. Really quiet.
“Cole. I-” She doesn’t even know where to begin. Without upsetting him. Her hands went to her face as she started to rub it before gathered her thoughts. They slid down as she rested them at the back of her neck. “Everyone who has Force has different abilities. I recently discover mine is… this barrier I’m working on. I’m… not going to lie to you. I will always be on that front line. It fits me. How I fight. I’ll be more careful. Less reckless. That’s why I’m trying to train.”
She turned her head to watch him carefully. This… wasn’t like him. Was he thinking about the liability she could be to the entire Clan Arcona or was there something deeper?
“I know.” Cole sighed, kissing the side of her head before shifting back up to his feet. She was shaking less, and moving around a bit so it felt like a decent time to do so if he was.
Pink hues watched him for a moment as he stood back to his feet. Her head rose. “There’s more, isn’t there?”
Sagitta leaned on her hand and stood up as well while watching him.
Oh for karks sake-
“Don’t kriffing die, Sagitta. Sofila?” Shed mentioned wanting to reclaim it. It felt wrong. He shrugged, “Thats it.”
Sofila’s jaws tightened at his slight snap towards her. She was just asking a question and he didn’t need to-
Breathe. This is the withdrawal anger/illogical talking. She remained calm.
He didn’t want her dead. That was understandable. They both admited there’s something there but hers more than his that she knows of. but that can’t just be it. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t.
“… Something is eating at you again, isn’t it?”
“Kark off!” He snapped, the words leaving his mouth before he even processed the surge of annoyance. And then it was too late. “I get it. You’re worried. But just kriffing stop. Any time I do anything- I’m not gonna kriffing shoot myself because you let me have one damn thing to myself.”
He inhaled sharply after, glancing around the room before taking a few paces away from her. He shouldn’t be snapping but seriously. Days. Of it.
Had he even had any alone time since it almost happened? A shower or two? That was about it.
Her heart pounded against her chest at the surge of his emotions that made her feel like she needed to be prepare to defend herself. Her hues watched him and her eyes shifted to anger. But controlled. For now.
Her arms crossed across her chest. This time closing off to him.
“You have the tendency to keep things in and it’s not healthy. I’m not sorry for being worried about you. I’m scared,” Sofila hissed.
Then she exhaled, “I can’t improve if you don’t communicate what you what from me. I’m trying to communicate with you, Cole. It needs to be two ways, not one. I never had strong feelings like this before. Kriff, with you it feels like if I’m going to step on a land mine or not cause I really don’t know what you want from me if you won’t tell me. I’m still learning about you and myself. This… is an extremely unstable path and I’m trying to find my footing and instead, I’m falling.”
Her eyes glanced away as she cleared her throat. “I’ll… work on worrying less.”
She paused for a moment, “If you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask.”
“I don’t want you to die. I communicated. That was the important bit. You should be able to put together that me asking you to be kriffing careful is me wanting you to come back alive! And what, I was supposed to just ask? As if you didn’t look at me going to shower as if you were afraid I’d do something. I’ve been trying to protect you. To do what you want. To work with you.”
He forcibly steadied his breathing. Despite the snap, he’d kept his voice mostly even volume wise. Cole kept his back to her, managing himself as best he could.
“I-” Her cheeks went red. It was clear now. Feelings had developed but much more intensity than last time. Both of them had been putting it on the back burner in a way. This wasn’t a good time for this.
Kriff. Good joke. Do they ever have a good timing for anything?
She took in several breaths. Reminded herself that she needed to think before talking. Few moments went by.
“Okay,” Sofila started, “Ah. As for the… look, it was right after I found you like that. I haven’t gave you that look since that I know of. If I had, I’m sorry. I really am, it’s not intentional. Ah, kriff. I’m just kriffin’ things up.”
This was hard. Why was this hard? She hated words.
“We don’t have to always do what I want, you’re important too. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do everything for me.” Had she been selfish? Needy? Maybe she needed to back off.
Then she added on softly, “As for coming back alive- yes. I will. I will always come back alive.”
He found himself looking around again. Stress. Focus.
He didn’t have an answer for why he was following her needs over his own. Move on, avoid.
“You almost didn’t. It wasn’t your fault but-”
But he couldn’t help but wonder how close the nurse was having announced a death tk him, rather than a hospital presence.
He sat down on a bench.
“I did come back.” She watched him. She wasn’t sure what he wanted. Should she give him space? Approach? Instead, she stood where she was. “I- I don’t know about you but I cannot live on what ifs and almost. I can live on present, good memories from the past, and making a better choices in the future. Such as… being less reckless and acknowledging if I’m not well enough to go to battle. Before, I would happily head over to battle unwell till I met you. And the good memories…” Her lips curved into a small smile at remembering them, “I have several with you.”
Then she bitterly scoffed, “Course, past will always cling to us whether we want them to or not. Bad and good.”
She shook her head softly, “No more what ifs and almost. I’m guilty too. I’m aware…” She walked over and sat down by him. She gave him space though, anyone could sit down between them. Her hands went between her legs as she dipped her body slightly and remained quiet.
No more what ifs and almosts. He couldn’t do that. Cole knew it immediately.
“I can’t promise that.” He said quietly. Kriff, he hadn’t even been able to go an hour without scanning the room for unknowns. He doubted that she knew that hut.. “I’m sorry. But I can’t. Even if questioning the past doesn’t help, for the future? Practically kriffing necessary.”
Sofila leaned back as she brought one of her legs up. The edge of her foot was on the edge of the bench as she rested her head on her knee and her arm around it. The other still rested on the floor.
“Okay. Everyone is different after all.” She paused for a moment, “Then I will do everything I possibly can to always come back alive. If I feel that it’s not safe or that I’m unwell, I will not do any missions.”
Silence fell over the training room before she added, “I’ll sit out if I have to. That’s all I can offer, Cole. This line of work…” She exhaled gently. He should know. Hell, she knows. “I don’t think I have to say it. But I’ll do all I can.”
“Thank you.. ” he murmured.
And couldn’t help but feel like she’d be the next corpse he found. He wouldn’t be able to protect her. But she was also strong enough to come back.
Itd have to be okay.
“Okay.” He sighed, after a long few seconds he spoke again, “I’ll do the same. Coming back alive.”
Sofila turned her head and rested her cheek on his knee to look at Cole. She doesn’t want to think about that so she doesn’t. She can’t live with that thought. She doesn’t want to.
She let out a soft sigh and a small smile to Cole.
“Thank you.” She remained quiet for Cole. Until he’s ready to decide on the next agenda. Be it a moment of space or another spar or even the shooting range.
Emotions. What the kriff. Why are they so complicated. Things were so much easier when there was no strings.
And yet, she knew she wouldn’t change anything.
She rested on his knee.
He slipped a hand into her hair, eyes glancing over the room once more. Still clear. Some blind spots but they were inaccessible without walking by in the open. Unless someone was using the Force, anyway.
The questions had stopped for now. It let the prickling feeling ease away, calm following. Mostly. He was on edge but he’d been kn edge ever since the shock wore off. It was enough to move on.
“Let’s shoot something.”
Her lips curled into a grin when his hand ran through her hair. Sofila heard him as she gently got up. “Okay. That sounds good to me.”
She hasn’t really been using her blaster lately so how much had she decreased? Hopefully not too much.
Once she had gotten off of him, Cole shifted to his feet. He hadn’t brought his guns with him, nor did the training range have a version of a slugthrower that could be used for training but he could still practise his over all aim at least.
It was something he was good at. Something that usually helped to clear his mind. Itd be good to get a few rounds in.
Hed suggest using it to practise with her barrier but neither of them would be keen to use the stun setting for that. He hated it, she likely would too.
Sofila stretched on the way there. She realized she didn’t have her blaster with her and he didn’t either. The training had some guns but not all of them. And sometimes people prefer their own guns over the training ones.
She was one of them.
“Want to head up to get our weapons real quick or nah?” A soft chuckle, “This sounds really dumb but, ah- I feel more confident with mine than I do with other blasters weapons.”
“We can do.” Cole shrugged. “Not exactly a long walk.”
He wasn’t really bothered either way. He had little else but training to do with his time, so the question of whether or not he’d train with his weapons wasn’t particularly prominent.
“Okay!” They headed up to get their weapons.
At the shooting range, she checked over her weapons and frowned at the target. Cole had mentioned her was being faster and stronger. What about everything else?
No. She got this.
“Clear?”
Once he confirmed that it was clear, she started shooting. After 10 shots, Sofila huffed under her breath. She can’t tell exactly but she knew it was bad.
Two didn’t even hit the target.
Cole had retrieved his assault blaster and his scatter gun.
Opting for the Slugthrower first, Cole stood steady, taking it slow. There was a lot less control with slugthrowers, recoil to account for being one of the major differences. Still, the modificafion is had allowed him to still aim at a reasonable distance for most combats. It was loud.
But despite the differences, his spacing was good, most having struck what would have been vital points to hit.
He glanced over to Sagitta’s. She hadnt fared as well.
Sofila glanced over to Cole, her eyebrow rose. “Slugthrower, huh?” Then a smile, “None of my family can sense slugthrowers. Buir explained to me that are one of the few that can be used against Force users. Those are kriffin effective.” She grimaced as she remember got smacked around with those few times. “Thank kriff for Mandalorian armor. Would be in much worse shape.” She paused for a moment. Maybe she should work on her barrier with a slugthrower?
Then she grimaced. Cole wouldn’t be keen on actually using it which meant stun. Kriff that. She sighed away the thought and glanced over at her target and then at Cole’s.
Yep. He’s always had been a much better shot.
“Thats why I learned to use them. We more often had force users with us than not but you never want to be caught out. Force user shows up and.. well. If you’re not prepared it rarely means much. People will die. You might be able to overwhelm or outsmart but not before damage is done.” Cole reeled off. He was content with the performance. He doubted itd be replicable in combat that well but it was where he should be. Hitting the standard.
“I’m glad you do too. The fact the Tekuani didn’t go down for the count when that thing hit them is lucky.”
“It makes sense. Need to cover bases.” Maybe she should train for the barrier after all? Can’t just sit on the sidelines and hope that it would all work out great.
She paused for a moment at the mention of Tekuani and it took her awhile to remember who that was. Oh right. Savi. Speaking of which, she should be working on getting her lightsaber active. “Yea, Savi has a knack for getting lucky I noticed.” She remembered the tension between Cole and Savi at the drug bust and then they both talked alone at the hospital. She wanted to ask. It was none of her business, but kriff, what was it about?
Then her mind went back to the barrier. She scowled.
‘I can’t keep running.’
“Well. Guess now is a good time to learn.” She looked over back at Cole, “Are you down to shooting at me?”
Cole looked at her and then slowly asked-
“With this?”
He raised an eyebrow. He could shoot around her sure but that was.. dangerous.
“Please remember when I suggested throwing things, earlier. Rather than shooting.”
Sofila paused for a moment and she hopped over the set up and onto the range.
“I’m sure.” Her hairs stood on all ends. This… was weird. It was one thing to act quickly on a field and another thing to ACTUALLY volunteering to be in front of a weapon. What the kriff.
But she looked determined and sure.
Slow and steady breaths.
“I didn’t say yes.” Cole deadpanned, putting the weapon down on the bench.
“I’ll use a stun function of a kriffing blaster but I am not shooting at you with you something that you can’t dodge as easily so you can practise an ability you’ve knly just started learning how to do.”
Sofila watched him, her body language calm, “I figured and would hope you would use stun as much as I hate-” She gritted her teeth. Kriffin stuns.
“Come on. Let’s go.”
“Do you actually want me to use stun?” Cole didn’t move to pick up the blaster. Hed rather throw dud grenades, or practically anything else than shoot her with something he knew would freak her the kriff out or actually hurt her.
“Yes. Won’t be the first time. Buir and Asani use stun on me all the kriffin time. Course my hatred for them wasn’t that-” She stopped. They were getting off topic.
“I’m sure.”
Cole stared at her.
“Ah yes let me just do something you’ve hated someone for.” His voice was very even, he could have been talking about the weather but his gaze was.. intense. Unwavering.
Sofila sharply exhaled, “I didn’t hate them it was the stuns I hated- I ah. Kriff. Are you going to shoot or not?”
“No.”
A soft scoff and an exhale. She threw her hands up in surrender. She wanted to go few hours with them having too much tension. “Okay.”
Sofila started to head back to the bench and made a mental note for her to come back down sometime and use one of the droids they have here to help her with that.
Cole stayed there. He wanted to punch something.
There was just.. a tension there. From him. She was trying though the things she wanted to try sometimes were stupid. Why would he want to do that? Send her into a kriffing panic attack or something for what? There’s better ways but clearly from how she walked away anything less than pain or upset as a consequence made it not good enough as an exercise.
He closed his eyes for a few moments before starting to unload the slugthrower, taking his time with it.
Sofila hopped over the bench as she glanced over for a moment before back at her disappointing target.
Tension.
Not kriffin again.
This time she said nothing.
She needed to get over her problems with stun and electricity somehow. She would do all she can not to get hit by Force Lightning but if she did, she can’t afford to freak out and lose her mind on the field.
It’ll have to be something for her to train in private. With a clear of her throat, she glanced over to Cole who was unloading his slugthrower.
“Clear?” It was more for her to shoot and him being aware that her weapon was armed for her to shoot. Unless he was ready.
Cole looked up, glancing across the range. No one was around but he couldn’t call back unless he was sure.
“Clear.”
He gave her a slight nod before finishing up with the Slugthrower and remaining stood to watch her shoot.
Once she heard him, she squeeze the trigger few times. This time, it was much better. For one, she didn’t miss the target. And two, they were a bit more grouped instead of scattered.
“Hmm. That’s better.” She set her blaster down and stretched her arms upwards. It was her way of releasing some tension.
Cole nodded. “It is. I believe you’re overthinking your shots. It shouldn’t be like throwing a grenade where you have to consider the motion and think it all through in one go before you can release due to the expanded impact. You should be firing as you breathe. Instinct. Obviously it’s not doable in all circumstances, where ally and enemy are mixed together but the more its like an extension of yourself, the more confident you’ll be. When there’s nothing but a target, there shouldn’t be hesistation.”
She listened while she stretched, her hands aimed at the ceiling before relaxing.
“Hm.” She grabbed her blaster and exhaled softly, “Clear?”
The moment he confirms it’s clear, she breathed evenly while squeezing the trigger once again.
It was even better.
“There you go.” Cole nodded, smiling ever so slightly.
It was good to see her improving. It’d take time before she did instinctively but it was a good sign.
The Mirialan tilted her head at the target for a moment before turned her head to look at Cole. “Thank you. Are you done already?” She asked, since she did more shooting this time around than Cole.
“With the scatter gun, yes.” Cole nodded, “Forgot the damn thing was so loud.”
The Human straightened up from where he’d been leant on the table his equipment was on. The ache in his ribs was steadily going away. It’d be tender the next day as bruises often were but it was more than bearable.
“Unless you want to spar another round or something?”
“Ah - yea. You can use my blaster if you want to shoot more rounds,” Sofila offered to Cole.
She shook her head softly at the idea of sparring. She could be down for another round but at the same time, she rather be outside. “I’m thinking about heading out for a bit. Ah. I mean outside of Voidbreaker II on Selen for a little bit.”
“I have mine over there.” He gestured to one of the tables set behind where people shoot where his blaster was laid out to be very obviously unloaded. He hesistated before commenting, “Fresh air is good.”
Cole couldn’t tell if she was asking him to go or not. Or just informing him?
Everything felt off.
Sofila nodded as she flipped the safety switch on her blaster. The Mirialan made her way over to Cole. She wasn’t going to invite him. She was trying to give him space. Wait. What if he wants to come?
Kriff. Emotions are hard. And this is coming from the woman who wears her emotion on her kriffin’ sleeve. They weren’t even official. Would he think that she’s hovering over him if she tried to invite him? She wouldn’t mind if he came with her but would he think something else?
Instead, she gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Fresh air is good,” she agreed with a reassuring smile. “Should get some too if you want.”
Ah, just telling him. Okay that was.. simple. Maybe he was just overreading into it. Probably.
“We’ll see. Make sure you get some sleep at some point though, yeah?” He gave a slight smile, though worry did still bear through. She hadn’t slept, what if-
I’m tired too, he thought to himself, illogical. She’s her own damn person let it it go.
“Sorry, for not being… good at all this.” He rubbed the back of his neck, glancing around the room. “Talking stuff. I mean. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”
With a smile and nod, “I will. Promise.” She made sure no one was around and glanced at him as he talked.
“Ah- no. Don’t be sorry. It’s… new to me too. I feel like we’re both on a new territory and we don’t know where the kriff to put our footing. Hmm? So… there’s bound to be some rocky moments on the adventure.” She smiled softly, “Can I hug you?”
“Yeah.” Cole answered, shifting forward to meet her halfway and wrapping his arms around her. He closed his eyes for just a moment before opening them again, glancing toward the door but still seeing no one, continuing the hug.
“New territory or not I shouldn’t have snapped. I am sorry about that.” he sighed softly.
Weak. Losing grip. Maybe you’re just losing it entirely if you can’t hold your kriffing temper. Wouldn’t really be a surprise would it?
Sofila sighed contently as her arms wrapped around Cole’s torso. She pulled back a bit and gave him a peck on the lips. There’s a lot going on with her and there’s a lot going on on Cole’s end.
He said he will do all he can to come back alive. And she trusts him.
“It’s okay,” she pulled away from the hug. “Well, since we both… apparently have each other comm, let me know if you need anything.”
With few awkward moments, she turned to leave the shooting range.
He had returned the little peck, brushing his lips against hers before she had pulled away.
“You do the same. I’ll see you later.”
He watched her go. Should he have gone with her? She didn’t ask so likely not but… Oh well. He needed time to situate himself. Work things out. He’d been a mess for over a week and hadn’t been alone since it all blew- Well. Since it didn’t blow up. In the literal sense. Taking the time to mull things over and actually.. sit with what was going on would be key in if he’d even be able to take part in the coming conflict.
And Cole wasn’t one to sit on the side lines. He didn’t shoot another round, instead collecting up his things and retreating back to his room. Out of the public eye,
Few hours had passed and she found a lovely little hidden area in the forest. Settled up her in hammock and everything. She took pictures of the beautiful clear sky while she was safe in the shade. There was breeze.
She stared at her pad. She had a pre-message ready to sent. It was a picture of the clear sky with the bit of blue lagoon by her hammock.
☀️: Enjoying the fresh air! It’s a beautiful day!
She paused.
☀️ Enjoying the fresh air! It’s a beautiful day! Hope you’re doing okay.
Or was that too much.
‘Kriff. No strings **was* easier’*
The pictures was nice. Lovely even. Oh for kriff’s sake. Maybe he doesn’t care for them. She backspaced and deleted it all. Dropped the pad on her stomach as it landed on her abs as she groaned.
Seriously. Besides, she should give him a moment to breathe. Hopefully he decided to get some fresh air too in his own way.
What was his own way anyways? A frustrated exhale escaped from the pair of her lips.
‘There should be a Dummy 101: How to communicate along with Dummy 101: How to Relationship.’
Sofila snorted. ‘How to relationship. Idiotic.’ But she smiled at herself regardless. Pink hues watched the small clouds as they went by.
Cole had showered. He’d stretched. Gone through the motions of settling down for an evening. It was early to be doing that but it meant he didn’t have to worry about getting up or doing anything else for the day.
He sat on the bed.
He went through what had happened. Sometimes it was the smaller details Cole focussed on, others he skipped over larger events. From the day his father died to now. Everything that had built up. The lonliness being a.. major reocurring feature. He had spent most of the last two years either fighting alongside or with people, training with them or he had been alone.
Cole couldn’t put the blame entirely on them. He had reclused afterall. It was logical to avoid someone who so entirely avoided being around people as he had ended up doing. Though.. he had tried. Initially. Nothing had clicked and he’d been too griefstricken to keep it up. Not that he’d exactly made any good impressions.
The ultimate realisation was that something needed to change. At least in that specific theme in his life. Graham may have always been the sociable one but he hadn’t ever been this cut off. He’d had friends once.
He’d stared at the Tekuani’s comm code in his communicator for a while.
They were the only person who he had any.. kind of connection with. The least he could do is update them on Sagitta’s condition. If.. something else came of it then it was a start. If not he’d… work something out.
Zuza being an option for company again possibly was another silver lining, as weary of one as it was.
Yet even as he sent the message to Savran, he felt himself feel.. choked. He didn’t know them. Kriff they’d been an enemy more than they’d ever been neutral.
It was pathetic. To be in this position. It shouldn’t have ever happened and now he was stuck here. It wasn’t fair.
It wasn’t fair.
Tears stung at his eyes.
He’d been so close to dying on his own. Away from home. Even if Sofila would mourn him, he still didn’t get why. He’d been awful.
But she was still there.
He had to keep her safe. Keep.. that safe. Them. He’d have to make sure she knew when to ask or not. Just say it.
Give her some kriffing chance rather than acting like some teenage idiot. Idiot.
He got up a few times throughout the rest of the day. He ate. Going through the processes as he made a definitive decision to at least try again.
To not give up just yet. Even if trying meant the ghosts of those he lost clawing at him. He’d wondered once if his father could surpass death to punish someone. Cole doubted that his teenage self thought it’d be in any way like this.
Try again.
It’d have to be enough.
Nightfall fell. Sofila had a good rest on the hammock. She fell asleep to the breeze and the smell of the forest. She felt good. Figured to take advantage of that, when she arrived at the ship, she quickly changed out of her clothes and dropped off some of her stuff. She rummaged through the room, looking for something before finding it.
She grabbed the hand wraps out of the drawers.
Now sporting a sports bra and yoga shorts, she made her way to the quiet training room and wrapped her hands on the way there. Then she put her hair back up once again, no need for it to be in the way. Pink hues doesn’t see anyone so she gets her pad and started to play some music. Pushed the comm on her ears to listen to the music, she did different random hits of her hands, arms, elbows, knees, etc.
Her body started to burn and sweat dripped. Without realizing it, she was getting a bit more aggressive to the punching bag and then, combined with the Force, the punching bag bent in half before it broke off the chain and slammed to the wall as Sofila cringed.
“Whoops…” she muttered. She scratched her cheek. Well. She walked over to inspect it and see if it can be hanged back up or need to find a spare one. Surely, there has to be a spare one, right?
There was, though in a supply closet.
Her hues glanced around and she was glad no one was here to see that. Yep. Time for a new bag. After a bit of searching, she found the stupid bag and hanged it up while disposing of the damaged one into the big trash can.
Her eyes glanced at the pad.
Should she message him? An audible groan escaped from her. Kriff. Why was this hard? Friends do messages each other so why did she find it difficult to text him? What the krist can she even message him about?
“Kriff.” She took out her awkwardness and frustration of everything confusion onto the punching bag with more control.
She sat on the bench as she exhaled. Catching her breath. And then the ship jolted and rumbled. Her eyes widen. ‘No no no no’ Without thinking, she ran.
Once she was in front of his door, she fumbled with the code. “Kriffin’ code!” She shouted at the little keypad. Her fingers were shaking terribly, “Stop kriffin’ shaking you kriffin asshat of a kist-ty metallic ass of a keypad-” The door slid open and she made a beeline to Cole’s bed.
Cole was already sat on his bed, knees up though his back was straight and flat against the wall. On hearing the keypad he picked up his pistol and placed it on the side of him that was adjacent to the pillows where Sagitta wasn’t about to be.
He was already working to remain as calm as possible, staring straight ahead and keeping still. Logically, he knew it’d be ok. He was on a ship, realistically the liklihood of the electricity reaching in was.. insane. But the fear was there even if was more controllable than when caught out in the open. It could happen.
Kriff.
“Here.” He said shortly, holding his arm out for her to join him.
The Mirialan practically almost fully tackled Cole as she immediately. Snuggled up to him and clung to him rather roughly. She was shaking. Her hands went up to her ears. She didn’t want to go back outside. She was good. She -
Kriff. She’s an adult. Not a child again.
That didn’t stop her body and her mind freaking out.
Steady.
“Okay.” She exhaled. “One… two…” She tried to count to keep herself calm and focused on her breathing.
“There you go. You’re safe.” He mumbled, drawing her close despite the twinge of pain from her impacting where she’d struck him in the ribs beforehand.
The door was closed.
He kept his eye on it anyway. It wasn’t like anyone was going to come in, kriff, but it was still something of a comfort. A stupid one, but watching the door wasn’t abnormal for him. It was fine. Fine.
Thunder rolled again and he tensed slightly.
The arm that wasnt around her was stiff at his side, hand clenched into a fist.
Her breathing increased and it went somewhat steady when Cole spoke to her.
Until the thunder rolled.
She cringed and the tall Mirialan was literally trying to make herself smaller. “D-don’t make me go outs-side please..”
“You were the one that wanted to earlier. You’re in now. You’re fine.”
Cole stated, holding her close.
At first she was confused to what Cole was talking about.
Then she remembered.
I’m an adult. I’m not *there anymore. The Cultist don’t have me either. I’m safe. In Voidbreaker II. With him.‘*
Kriff. It was working but it also wasn’t.
Instead her eyelids closed as she went back to counting. Having lost count, she had to start over. “One.. two…”
It didn’t take as long for the storm to pass as it had when they first met.
It took a few minutes between the last rumble of thunder and Cole realising this though, giving himself another minute before squeezing Sagitta’s shoulder.
“It’s over.” He kept his voice low, attempting to be comforting.
His slowly unclenched his other hand, placing it flat against his trousers as he shifted up slightly. They’d slid down a bit, over the course of the storm.
A slow exhale as she starts to uncurl herself when Cole mentioned it was over. She hesitated and listened intently. As if ready to hear another rumble or a crack of a lightning.
Neither arrived.
She moved away a bit more and start to slowly stretch. Her body ached just from curling up so hard for a bit of amount of time. Moving felt good. She cleared her throat and glanced to Cole, “are you-” She stopped.
She wanted to ask if he was okay because he hated them too. Was it too soon? She cleared her throat, “Thank you…”
Sofila flinched when he got up to stand.
She knew why she flinched. But she needed to - No.
This hurts.
She cleared her throat softly, “I.. ah-.” She paused for a moment before grabbing a pillow and held it tightly to her chest. “I thought they loved me.” She started as she brought her knees up and does her best to keep her voice clear.
“When I started to- When they- kriff.” She cleared her throat again and cleared her mind for a moment. “When they discovered I had the Force, it was like- everything changed. A switch was flipped. I was outside. A lot. Mainly when it was storming-” She grimaced as her fists clenched onto a piece of pillow.
“I used to hug the staff all the time when my parents didn’t want it. Siblings, Castor, my older brother did. And when they found out- ah.” She rested her chin on the pillow. “I-I’m sorry.”
Cole had been about to just.. wash his hands. He wiped his palm on his trousers again instead, shifting to sit back down on the bed. He was on edge, rather than against the wall like she was.
He frowned as he listened.
She was already twelve when she first learned to shoot with her current family. Assumedly there was a few years before then. She must’ve only been a child. She could have died. From the cold if nothing else. He clenched his jaw, anger flaring.
“They shouldn’t have done that to you. Kriff you were a child. No one chooses the Force- kriff.” He exhaled forcefully, calming, “You have nothing to be sorry about. You were left out to die for something you couldn’t even control. No one’s gonna do that to you again, ok?”
Did she think he would? Is that why she flinched? It was like a weight plummetted through his chest, knocking the wind out of him but he didn’t ask. If he was wrong it’d flip things the wrong way.
Sofila gave him a small smile as she nodded. “Okay.”
Deep down inside, she still had a fear of being abandoned. In a way, she felt like Asani had abandoned her. Buirs hasn’t but Asani-
No. This was something for her to handle eventually. It’s not over. And he’s here.
‘He’s right. He didn’t shove me outside or anything like that. He confronted me.’
“Okay.” She repeated, with more confidence as she glanced down at the pillow. Curling up wasn’t good for her. And by the stars, she felt sweaty. From the workout and the fear.
“Can I come back later?” Sofila asked, hues watched over him.
“You’re not trapped here just as much as you’re not forced to leave. Just knock if it’s not.. an emergency.”
He’d been about to say This but after the other day he.. Well. Emergency was a better term now. He wanted to ask why she wanted to go so soon but couldn’t blame her either for wanting to go if.. that’s what she thought. He wasn’t sure.
Cole offered a slight smile, despite the concern.
Sofila nodded, “okay. I just want to shower. I was in the training room when the ah. Yea.” She cleared her throat and got up. “I would like to hang out tonight, if you are up for it. Movie night? Still go some Stuido Ghibi movies to watch and there’s other good ones like Song of the Sea. I’ll bring snacks!”
Then she quickly added, “If you aren’t up for it that’s fine! The new book is out and I was planning to read on it tonight.”
“Sure. Not sure how much I’ll be watching but the background noise wouldn’t hurt. Either or.” Cole shrugged. He probably wouldn’t be sleeping anyway. Again. He’d make some caf and have it while she was showering.
Between the last few weeks and then that, he didn’t want to see whatever his nightmares had in stock this time.
“I’ll be here.”
Sofila grinned as she scooted down the bed and hopped up. Excited for another hang out, maybe this will be good. Finally. She pecked him on the cheek. “Okay! Be right back. In an hour or so.” And she headed out.
Freshly cleaned and with pajamas, the Mirialan made her way over to Cole’s room. Fully armed with a bag of snacks and her datapad in case Cole wanted have freedom with his, she almost pushed the code on the keypad.
‘Right. Knock.’
At least her fingers were only hovering over the keypad and didn’t push anything any. She clench her hand into a fist and knocked as she waited.
Cole had indeed made a quick cup of caf. It was already gone by the time she knocked, he hadn’t had anything else to do other than just pace and drink. Cole had showered earlier after all. Though he had made a point of washing his hands. There were slight pinpricks from where he’d dug in but overall it wasn’t noticeable damage if you weren’t looking for it.
The Human placed the empty mug down on his desk, having just rinsed it out, and crossed to the door, opening it so she could step in.
“Hey.”
“Hi,” exclaimed Sofila with a cheerful smile as she stepped in and placed the snacks on the desk.
“Okay, so you said background noise so I had been trying to think of which one might be good with that. Honestly, the ones you haven’t seen yet has great music and art and I don’t want you to miss out on that.”
She got out a fruit and even a bowl this time from the bag, “So I was thinking-” Her hand went to her lower back subconsciously for her dagger.
“Oh. Right. Kriff.” She muttered as she placed the fruit down and went to the bed to grab Cole’s knife.
“Maybe it would be good to have something playing with what you had seen already?” Found the knife, she walked back to the desk and unsheathed it.
“Or you rather something new?”
“Well I’ve only seen.. three? So we don’t have many options. I’m okay with something new, or maybe we could rewatch the Kiki’s one? I’m not too bothered which it is.” Cole shrugged, having moved to lean against the wall adjacent to the bed to keep out of the way as she grabbed things she needed and prepared the snacks.
Sofila nodded.
“Okay. I’ll think about it then. Maybe something a bit new.” When she finished cutting up the fruits and got out another bowl started to cut a fruit that Cole often eats.
“I think I’m in the mood for Song of the Sea this time.” She smiled as wiped the knife on the pajamas shorts she was wearing to clean it and sheathed it. Handed the bowl to Cole, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
“There you go!” The Mirialan placed the knife back to the spot where he had it before went to the desk and took a bite of her fruit as she started messing with her datapad to pull out the holovid. When she found it, she hit play and set it up as she went over to Cole’s bed.
Cole waited until she settled before sitting down beside her, looping one arm around her as the other steadied the bowl of fruits.
As seemed to be a pattern for the Mirilan, Sofila fell asleep about half way into the movie and most of the way of the snacks. Cole adjusted, making sure they were both comfortable as he watched though found his mind wandering. He could feel himself starting to drift, eating through the remainder of the fruits that had been set out. It didn’t really help, neither had the caf it seemed as even as he shifted position a few times, his eyes still kept drawing shut.
It was a battle that took up his full attention, however eventually the strain of the last few days, the emotional outbursts from earlier and the fact he hadn’t slept in over 24 hours finally won over his sheer determination. Cole drifted off to sleep though it was far from a restful one.
Details never lingered for Cole. They never had. Dreams were flickering moments and feelings. Fear. Fear. It stained everything this time. There was something around his throat. A weight. Pain. It dragged him to the ground, able to breathe but little else. Sparks of blue. He saw his hand for a moment, spasming in front of him and it held none of the scars that it did today.
He’s just a boy-
Red.
A flash of it. Corpses. He was still on the ground, twitching. His hands grasped at his throat but couldn’t even reach the skin. The metal was cold. Everything was black, the flickers of red did nothing but hurt his eyes. There were footsteps and even through the darkness he could feel stares on his back.
He had to get up. Cole tried. Every time he did he found himself in more pain. Bleeding? The darkness closed in but he still couldn’t get up. He couldn’t move it was pointless it was-
Something was visible. In the shadows. He’d never know what it was but it was an enemy. Cole screamed in the dream, trying to get up again- again. He could feel his father staring, waiting for him to get up.
He had to get up.
He had to save them. But he couldn’t. It was going to- It- It was a test. He was failing it and he’d never-
Pink eyes were among them.
The shadow was looming closer to them all. No.
Cole had been twitching in his sleep, frozen in place as he had been in the dream, his breathing unsteady. One hand was digging into the side of his neck, not drawing blood but his nails pressed into the skin. The Human was sweating, even in his sleep his hands were shaking ever so slightly.
Being up close to Cole, Sofila had always been a bit of a light sleeper. When she’s not having a nightmare. Small twitches and movements of his hand had her open her eyelids. She couldn’t see that much, just the faint flicker of the holovid stuck in the menu. Pink hues glanced over him. His breathing, his hand-
“Kriff-” The Mirialan whispered. He was having a nightmare. She was up against the wall and she doesn’t have that much room if it got violent. With that in mind, she quickly sat up and grasped his wrist to keep him from hurting himself.
“Cole. Cole, wake up,” called out Sofila as her muscles were tensed and ready to move if she had to. Her grip on his wrist was firm and away from his neck.
Even as she called out he was moving, the grab on his wrist snapping him out of the dream. Not that he had the time to process that. His instincts were hairtrigger and snapped into action.
He followed the direction his arm had been pulled in, or grabbed from, he didn’t know but it was going to get them.
Cole swung. He had to get away. Before it was too late.
Sofila released his wrist as she immediately went to shift her weight to the foot of the bed but he punched her in the arm as she was moving. Stung a bit but not too bad. She had dealt with far worse. Now at the foot of the bed and away from his punches, she realizes she was at risk for his kicks. Her hands rested on the bed and ready to jump.
“Kriff, Cole, wake up! You’re in your room, you’re safe. You’re okay.”
Freed, he moved off of the bed. He looked around, ready to fight the first threat if it followed but looking for-
Where were they?
-‘re okay
Cole snapped round, more expecting an attack over comfort but saw Sagitta. Sofila.
She was prepared to fight, good but where was the-
The shadows were still. They were barely even there. He was in his room.
Cole looked down at his hands. They were scarred again. His neck was free. It was starting to click. It was just a dream. Kriff.
Icy eyes glanced over the room once more, triple checking the situation.
Sofila’s back hit the wall when he moved but he got out of the bed. She slid out too at the foot and kept her distance. Her hands were in front of her, as a caution.
She watched him as he snapped around and glanced down at his hands. Okay. That was good. He’s coming out of it. Frantic icy hues looked around.
At least, she hoped he’s coming out of it.
Please don’t get that blaster…
“Cole, you’re okay. You’re safe. You’re in your room. No one is here but you and me.”
“I couldn’t move.” He said, voice shaking as he still looked to the shadows.
Just a dream. Kriff. Pathetic.
“Kark.”
The frustration overtook the fear.
“I hit you, are you okay? Kriff-” He walked over, frowning, hands still shaking but trying to look for where he struck her. He didn’t even realise-
Sofila grimaced when he brought up that he couldn’t move. He couldn’t move and she tried to grab his wrist. Stupid.
“I’m fine-” She quickly attempted to placed her hands on the side of his face to get his attention. “Look at me. I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m fine. You’re okay. You’re safe.”
“It- No I know but I- Kriff. Where-” His hands went to her side, hesistating as if afraid to touch her. She’d hide an injury, though he supposed she had dodged it. Maybe she was okay but-
“I’m sorry.”
She kissed him on the forehead and slid her hands back and pulled him into a hug.
“Don’t worry, Cole…” Her voice was soft and gentle. “It’s okay,” reassured Sofila. She wanted to ask him what the nightmare was about but for now it’ll have to wait.
It was too fresh for him possibly.
He leant into the hug, holding her close. Cole wanted to close his eyes and just.. surrender to it but couldn’t. Everything was too tense. Ready to spring into action. Eyes were on his back and he wasn’t sure how to escape them. If they friend or foe.
Not that they were even there in the first place.
Really shouldn’t have had the coffee. Kriff. Kark all of it. It was pathetic he still didnt have these under control yet… they’d tried everything when they initially started. He sighed softly.
“I know.”
Sofila heard his respond and there was nothing more she can do right now. She just held him close for moments longer.
After a while, she gently started stroking the back of his head with one of her hand.
“Do you want to talk about it?” If he didn’t want to, she would respect it.
“I’m.. it wasn’t anything specific. It never is. I barely remember most of it already, they never linger.”
Nor did they ever go away really.
He started to shift to pull away. That was enough. Step back. Check for visible injuries again, he couldn’t see any on her.
A soft nod as he explained it wasn’t anything specific. So flashes and pieces.
Sofila felt him pull back so she let him. She watched his icy hues glanced over her. She was going to protest but left it be, it may help him more knowing that he didn’t injure her that bad.
“Come on.” She tilted her head towards the bed. They needed sleep. The body needed it.
He needed it.
Cole looked at the bed. He didn’t want to. It was a bit pathetic but dammit he didn’t want to just.. go back into the same thing. But she was right that they should go back.
He clenched his jaw but nodded, moving to sit on the edge so she could get on without climbing over him.
It finally clicked that the side of his neck felt raw, raising a hand to touch the area. He couldn’t see it, but from the heat it was probably reddened. Scratched at. No blood at least. It clicked as to why she’d grabbed his wrist in the way she had now.
“I’ve never actually drawn blood doing..” He gestured toward the reddened patch. “I’m not trying to hurt myself or anything it’s just trying to get something off. It’s not something I do much but sometimes when there’s been a storm it… yeah.” He trailed off awkwardly, dropping the hand into his lap.
He probably should tell her. It was a vague thing to just leave on that note.
Sofila climbed over and watched him remained at the edge. She was going to say something but his hand went up to the side of his neck as she grimaced a bit. She could heal him but she wasn’t sure how he would felt about that.
Her brows furrowed. What did he mean by get something off- Kriff. What the - Her jaw tightened.
‘Shock collar?!’
“Thank you.” She said softly. She wanted to say more but kriff, he revealed something to her and she wasn’t going to latch it like a kriffin’ she-ackk to a meal as if she was starving. Laid on her back, she touches his arm gently, “Want me to heal? I know you aren’t bleeding but raw skin can be pretty annoying.” She would know.
He shrugged and waved off the idea of healing. It was fine. It was more an instinct to deny it than anything else.
“Its what started the nightmares. Got held hostage for… I think it was three weeks? Something like that. They were uh-” He laughed a little bitterly, “Liberal with what was considered me misbehaving and needing to shock me. Shock collar. Managed to escape, my father was trying to set up a extraction but it was risky without knowing where I was being kept. I got out though. It was a long time ago now.”
She’d told him why it freaked her out. Now she knew his side. It seemed fair.
Sofila remained quiet as her hand rested on his arm. He started talking.
He was talking. Talking.
‘Kriff. I’m an idiot. All he needs was time.’
When he finished, her jaw was tight but she sat up and gently stroke his arm as she listened.
What should she say? What does he want to hear from her?
Maybe his dad wasn’t completely an asshole if he did tried to get his son back.
“I’m glad you got out.” She slid down to his hand and grasped it gently. “Come on, cyar'ika.” She said without thinking.
“..cyar'ika?” He repeated back softly, a little confused but shifting to lay down with her.
She hadn’t responded. He was surprised considering the last few things he’d mentioned she had reacted to but it was… nice. To just be able to talk about it and then move on.
He felt odd but for once it was a good feeling. Despite the fact he still felt tense, how intense the shadows felt, there was a sense of relief bearing through.
Sofila froze. Did… she say that? Well. Kriff.
“Ah it’s -” Wait. She felt embarrassed. Why does she feel embarrassed. Then the trademark of her clearing her throat happened, “It’s- ah. Mando'a for … darling. Sweetheart. Babe. Those kind of things, if you don’t want me to call you that ever again, I won’t.” She… wasn’t sure how he would feel about it.
It slipped out.
Kriff.
Emotions.
“Oh.” Cole wans’t sure how to feel about that. But after a moment continued. “It’s okay.”
It was odd but it wasn’t a bad odd. He shifted to get a bit more comfortable, laid on his side for now.
Sofila nodded though she couldn’t look at him in the eyes. She was flabbergasted. Snuggled up to his chest, she had one arm underneath his and resting on his side and sighed contently. “I’ll try not to say it too much at least… or be more aware.”
Quick. Think of something else.
Wait. How long has his father been dead? Maybe two years. So - Hmm. How long ago was this capture?
No. Don’t ask. For kriff’s sake-
“How old were you,” Sofila asked out of curiosity. She cleared her throat. “When you were captured I mean?”
Cole had chuckled softly. He didn’t really mind the term. It was sweet, even if it was odd.
He looked slightly surprised at the following question, taking a moment to think. How old was he? It took the few seconds to thinking to actually put a pin on it, but he’d turned 15 later the same year. Not long after they’d run out of treatment ideas for the nightmares. Graham had his first girlfriend that year too. First break up too.
“Fourteen. Why?”
Sofila’s jaw tighten even more. Fourteen. Kriff. At that age she was training, yes, but she still had a childhood.
Was any of Cole’s life good? Besides Graham, she figured-
No wonder why his death hit him so hard. There was a long pause. Cole would notice her grip on her arm that was over him had tightened.
“Curiosity.” She replied with honest but it would be obvious that her voice was strained.
Cole frowned, noticing the grip. The way her jaw was clenched. How her voice wavered in containment.
He knew it was young for kist like that but it was why he was trained from being so young. He’d told her that though he.. well it clearly hadn’t really sunk in, why would it have? This was the first time she’d heard of him being in a situation where it had been necessary.
“I was okay. And all of them were dead within an hour of me getting out. My father didn’t kark around with things like that. He had a ship ready, as soon as we were clear they bombed the place. They’d been tetering on being a threat for a while so acting out as they had… Well. It was an example. Just because I was doing jobs didn’t mean they could target me and not expect a response from father. Trevor.” He filled in, realising he’d never actually said the name.
Sofila slowly started to relax. He’s right. He was okay. After all, he’s inches away from her right now. Of course, they would be all dead, Buir would’ve done the same. Kriff, he wishes he could do the same to the entire Collective but they were too many and too spread out.
Not that’s going to stop him from trying.
‘…because I was doing jobs…’
Her gripped tighten again.
Fourteen years old. Doing kriffin’ jobs.
‘What the kriff’
Without thinking and restraining herself, “How old were you when you first started to do jobs?”
Cole got the sense that the tension was building. He recalled her yelling when he mentioned he’d first learned to shoot when he was around four…
He hesistated when he repsonded, “Twelve- Eleven maybe? It was.. close. Just a low risk transport gig but I think that was the first.”
Cole somehow got the feeling he’d made a mistake even while he was talking.
Crack
Sofila’s datapad had almost been folded completely in half. It buzzed and frizzed for a bit before there was dead silence in the room.
Her eyelids were closed as she was steadying her breaths. Her hands were clenched into fists.
‘Trevor’s dead. He’s dead. Let it go. Kriff. The asshole is dead. Let. It. Go.’
Cole sat up sharply, his hand reaching for his gun under the mattress.
There was nothing there. Just a.. folded datapad. Icy eyes looked down at Sofila.
Oh.
“It’s okay, that was why we did things how we did. It’s just.. how it was.” He spoke softly, trying to reassure her.
“It’s not okay,” hissed Sofila as she pulled away when he sat up.
“It might be how it was but it wasn’t okay! Kriff. Cole. I-” She exhaled sharply, her arms were shaking. She was ready to punch someone. Some wrongdoing asshat or she-akk.
Even her own biological father would suffiace. Too kriffin’ bad she doesn’t know where the kark he was.
“Ah, nope.” She muttered more to herself as she slid down the bed and started pacing around the room as a way to let out some energy.
“I get it. We both were raised differently. I know it’s just how things are for you but it doesn’t make it okay. Kriff. Kids at that age should be figuring out their life, personality, friendships. Tea parties. Mock fights. Kriff, even discovering por-” She stopped right here as she huffed. Paced up and down.
“Not having to worry about kriffin job so you-” Sofila’s eyes glanced over to her datapad for a moment as she scowled. Whatever.
“Just give me few minutes. I’ll be fine.”
“I.. knew what my life was going to be.” He said quietly. “I had friends, made discoveries.” Cole found himself rather.. defensive. He sighed, nodding, “Yeah, take your time.”
It hadn’t been that bad. He was a Farrow, it was just the expectation of that. It was everything he’d been built up to be.
He could get it taking a minute for her to calm down though. Zuza had been horrified by some of it too.
Sofila’s arms crossed across her chest. “That’s not what I meant. Maybe. I don’t kriffin’ know. I feel like-” She huffed.
‘Keep your mouth shut. Things were going good. Don’t ruin it because you’re mad right now’
Cole remained quiet. She said to give her a minute, he didn’t want to overstep that.
He felt like.. he’d done something wrong in a way, though logically he knew she wasn’t.
Sofila paced for a bit longer as she was noticably calming down. She exhaled before stopping before him. Her hues went to by her at the datapad and back at him.
“Sorry…” She murmered. She felt stupid and childish for not being able to control her anger.
“Nothing to be sorry for to me. Maybe to your data pad. Were you really that angry over this?” He asked softly, glancing toward the pad before back up to her.
There was no accusation in his face. Just cautious curiosity.
Internally, he was determining if he shoudl avoid mentioning ages again. How would she react if she found out he’d already killed someone when he was 8?
He’s just a boy-
Cole looked away.
Sofila paused for a moment.
“There’s… a lot of things I’m angry about. It was just building.” She replied honestly and sighed. “For exam-… ah. Buir didn’t allow it but Mandalorians used to do the whole war child thing. We removed that creed fast. There’s certain… well. What I believe to be certain timelines for certain things. I… I don’t know how to explain this.” She exhaled as she sat on the edge of the bed. She hated words.
She paused for a moment. “I think I’m just angry at everything and… a bit sad.”
Then she laughed, trying to think of a joke, “Since you grew up almost more Mandalorian-like than me, maybe I should get you some Mando armor, hmm?”
He shifted to sit beside her. Was it.. really that awful to look in on?
Sad?
He scoffed slightly, “I think there’s better ways for me to off myself, thank you very much.”
He paused, then smiled sheepishly. He thought it was kinda funny but- welp.
Move on.
“But yeah anyway- its. I dunno. It wasn’t a creed, its just.. I was my father’s son. He led the group. Me and Graham would take over some day, he didn’t want us to be unprepared. Some of the tests I hated. The lessons. Kriff, I tried to fight him once, over.. something but he did it with our best interests. Our survival, long term.”
Sofila snorted at his comment and paused. Did she just-
“Wait-I didn’t mean- It was just a reac- ehhhhh-” She trialed off and let him change the topic.
Sofila shook her head, “I know it wasn’t Creed and that’s just-” She gritted her teeth and clears her throat. “Nothing… wrong with preparing but - I’ll -ah. I’ll try stop judging. To me, that’s pretty extreme to start so young and expect so much from both of you.” She sighed softly as she reached out and squeezed his hand gently.
“The offer for the armor stands.” She was serious about that part at least. Kriff. How many times had her armor saved her ass?
Don’t ask. Don’t ask. Don’t-
“… What happened that one time when you fought over him about it once?”
Cole looked surprised at the repetition of the offer. Beskar was the best armour one could get but wearing it when he wasn’t Mando? Eh.. he didn’t want to risk it. Maybe, one day. For now he was okay not risking a Mandalorian’s ire.
Then she asked that.
He looked to the ground, biting his lower lip. He remembered it clearly. Kriff, he’d almost won the damn fight.
The words stuck in his throat for a few moments, “It… if you hate him already you probably don’t want to know. I hated him for it for a time. It still…” He grimaced, straightening his posture.
Sofila felt a pang of guilt when he looked down and started to bite his lower lip. That was new. He started and she quickly squeezed his hand.
“No. Don’t worry about it. It’s okay.” She smiled reassuringly towards him.
“I think… I’ll always dislike him but he’s dead so there’s- ah. Honestly, if we’re going to be real here, it’s on me to learn to control my emotions.” She thought for a moment before continuing, “You’ll tell on your own time.” She gave him a small nod.
“It.. wasn’t long after Graham.” He started, exhaling before shaking his head. He didn’t mind saying it necessarily but she knew how she’d react. Kriff it had only been a hesistation on his own part that had stopped him from almost beating the shit out of his father.
Maybe worse but he’d hesistated. His father had managed to flip the situation, pinned him and then that was that.
He pivoted, taking the hint and just moving off of the topic. It was too much to tell that story. “A lot of kist happened then. Remember the poisoning thing I mentioned? Some.. karker. Don’t remember who but it was one of the smaller groups. Drug runners. We kept a close leash on them and they were clearly bored of it. Reckoned that I’d be easy to take out if I was grieving.” A slight growl coloured his tone.
Sofila’s jaw loosen only slightly. After Graham. She exhaled slowly. Asshole or not, a lost of a child would be rough and in Cole’s case, a loss of a brother. She couldn’t say anything.
Then he actually moved on to something else.
“Kriff.” She grimaced. “You were actually poisoned. Kriff. I- ah.” She laughed softly, “I remember thinking who would poisoned such a sweet guy. Back at the hotel.” She brought up her hand and gently stroke his hair. “Sadly, some people will take advantage where they can An opening rather- ah. And they thought you grieving was perfect.”
“We had something that.. slowed it down. It was meant to kick in a lot later but they idiots left the leaf in the dish. It was found hours before it started killing me. It.. had already knocked me out though. I’d gone up to my room. Don’t remember much of it, felt a bit sick so I had gone to my room. I passed out in there and then I woke up in a local hospital already cured and just waiting twelve hours to make sure there was nothing missed. They paid for it and I was fine.”
Cole closed his eyes for a moment at the touch. That one had become something of a running joke amongst him and his friends once the first week had passed after it.
He caught her hand in his, turning his head to kiss her palm. It felt nice to talk.. without expectation. It was weird but… comforting. He felt better in a way. Not all the way but the shadows had long since escaped his noticed and even now thinking about it, Cole did take a moment to look but he’d gone time without doing so for once.
A soft smile. “I’m glad it didn’t damage you any further.”
She froze for a moment when he caught her hand in his but then she grinned when he kissed her palm. Warm goosebumps filled her body. It was nice. Unexpected, but she liked it. She watched him looked around. His usual but it wasn’t as bad.
She can only hope this all helped.
“Mm. We should get some more sleep while we can, hmm?” She smiled at him.
He still didn’t want to but the idea was less… awful now. She needed to sleep and so did he even if he didn’t want to.
Cole nodded.
“Might be time. Hopefully we both make it through the night this time.” He sighed slightly, chuckling ever so slightly but it wasn’t really amused.
Sofila chuckled with him and sighed heavily. Where was the lie in that? They both were having nightmares for different reasons.
She squeezed his hand and leaned to kiss him on the cheek. “Ah. I believe we’ll always make it through.” She released her grip on his hand and scooted back as she laid on the side of the bed and waited for Cole. Her eyes looked around for a moment and grimaced at the datapad.
Right. Control problems.
Well. She’ll have to get a new datapad later.
Cole shifted to lay beside her again, laying an arm across her and pulling her closer.
Considering how rough things were only a day ago. Not even that.. he was glad it had seemingly settled. At least for now. There’d be future bumps, of course, but none would be this bad if he had to guess. So much had come to a head for both of them.
He just had to hope she’d survive the coming war. It was a lingering fear but it wasn’t one he’d voice now. It wouldn’t be fair, nor was it a good time.
He pressed a kiss to her forehead before settling onto his pillow.
Sofila was actually resting up against him with a smile on her face. Not so much worry or tension. It was much less. She inhaled slowly and let out a long slow exhale, her body relaxing the longer she exhaled.
Her face relaxed, only for the curved of her lips to return when he kissed her on the forehead. “Mmm. Night, cyar'ika.” She happily snuggled up to his chest and closed her eyelids to fall asleep.
The past few months had been a wild ride for her.